When crazy becomes normal.

Sooo i'm just sitting here and i was thinking....

I've been messed up for so long that suicidality has become normal to me. Where most people might recognize or be scared by their thoughts, its just another day for me. I feel normal, but i know i'm not.

Like the week i stopped eating because i figured od'ing on an empty stomach would be more effective, like alcohol when you dont eat. That was just a normal week for me, i never even considered telling anyone or talking to a proffesional. I was going to die casually lol.

So i guess what i mean to say is that i dont know how far i'll take it. I dont know when i'll feel like off'ing myself. I dont know that i would stop it.

That is all.

 

Its become the norm because youve got it in your head that this is all your life is going to be like, but if you never talked to someone or tried for help how do you know thats all it can be?

I to think that my craziness has become a norm for me to, the thoughts, the fantasies are all part of the disease, but acting on them is a whole other story.

It may be all you know, and you may have to reteach yourself how life should be lived.

But yes I see where you are coming from, the insanity of it all is just everyday life for some of us.

 

It makes getting "help" harder. Because i feel normal, so i cant have a mental disorder. I keep saying im not sick, i'm just an introvert..... That wants to die frequently.

::::may be triggering::::

Its hard to get help when you dont care about yourself... You hope whatever physical or mental ailment you may/may not have will kill you as it worsens.

You hope you can be selfish and forget about who youll hurt when you not only die, but die by your own hand, and hope no one follows.

You hope for that impulsive adrenaline rush that will make you do the deed before you change your mind.

 

I completely understand what you mean and although I care a great deal about others, I could care less about myself. Its to the point that I literally have to say to myself every single day, "Don't kill yourself-don't kill yourself-don't kill yourself." I think after living with the issue(s) we all share for an extended period of time, it does become normal. Someone once said something I did was brave; no, it wasn't. It was me hoping that I could help someone else live and go home to their family while getting myself killed in the process. Its amazing what becomes normal when you live with it for long enough. The only bright side I've found is that a lack of caring about myself can sometimes help someone else.

 

Even though I do have a mental disease or a couple, lol I still think that Im "normal".

Yea Im a little crazy but who isnt? Im sure that everyone could be diagnosed with something if they went to the doctor. Go in and say Ive been feeling down and your depressed, go in and say you dont want to leave the house and you have a social anxiety. We all have them, I think its just harder for some of us to hide.

Being crazy has to be normal, cause if not then you feel like an outsider, like a wierdo, a freak and thats just not true, Im just me, and your just you.

As for the suicide thoughts, theres a reason why they are there, you may not be depressed, you may not have a mental illness at all, you just may be bored with your life and suicide is a way out for you.

Its the wrong choice though, there is so many side affects to suicide, the people you leave behind, the thoughts you put in others minds, the life you just up and leave, its the end, its just not right any way you look at it. Suicide is not the way to go. Is that selfish of me, yep Ive had to talk myself into staying here for others many times in my life, but if I hadnt I would have missed out on some awesome things in life that have brought me joy and peace within. To feel that feeling is worth it, I want to feel it again and search for ways to get there.

 

Hey Green, hope this finds you in a better frame of mind. There is hope, but sometimes we become so used to depression that like the words of the Doors song we've been "down so God damn long, that it looks like up for me"

Maybe its your way of dealing with it - but how good a way is this when you admit that there is a chance you could 'off yourself'? That kind of thinking does set back your social life a little bit - its hard to ask a women for a date if your planning to to maybe try and drown yourself in the chicken soup. It cuts out possibilities of fun, joy and a life that means something more than just avoiding the days, wasting time and frittering it away. It would be nice to enjoy things more and not be a fully paid up member of the Doomsday Club.

I'm speaking from experience, not lecturing you or others.

Self denial is no way to go - I mean if you feel depressed a little bit - you can admit it to yourself perhaps but keep your own counsel on the matter. If the depression is serious, and thinking about suicide is kinda 'serious' then you should go to your doctor and perhaps have some 'here comes the Prozac' moment.

You have to tell someone how you feel - keeping this to yourself is a thousand times worse than telling someone. And in this day and age, with almost everyone knowing a family who has had a suicide, depression is more accepted. Some still perhaps worry over people who are that way - but its few and far between. If anything, there is more compassion these days from ordinary people who can relate to what you go through.

As for being 'normal' - its easy to gradually get depressed and perhaps not judge the extent of it. If like me, you would never even admit it to anyone, then who is to know what goes on inside anyone's head?

One thing I do know, its not right for us to think about offing ourselves - it makes for a lesser life and a 'life less lived'. We all have the right to think that way from time to time but when it becomes a kind of theme in your life then its time to take action.

Not experiencing joy is something that is worth correcting. Be it medication, therapy or psychiatric counselling, it is worth taking the chance because you really do have little left to lose. If you are at the point of thinking about suicide the way others maybe daydream about winning the lottery or falling in love or maybe bringing world peace, or peace to a neighbourhood - you should seek help.

So Green, I hope you make a beeline for the doctors and explain to him or her how you feel and how this illness is affecting you. You've admitted to us that you feel like dying a lot - and we don't blink because I'm sure everyone here has felt like you feel and others have taken it a step further and regretted it.

Medication could be the way to go for you - and with millions using in any given nation, its not like your in some strange minority or something. Once you start taking anti depressants, you tend to meet others who admit it also.

Its normal, lol.

Hang on in there mate and do get some help.

 

The way I see it is, when crazy becomes normal, it's nearly impossible to 'fix'. But maybe that's just me. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to be around anymore. Life in general is depressing. Everything becomes a trigger. So the situation ends up getting infinitely worse. I've chosen a date, of sorts. And virtually nothing can change my mind. I never wanted to be here to begin with. It's like if you give a kid a broken toy, they look at it and think "what the fuck?", then chuck it away. No one wants something that's broken.

Anyway....you should tell someone. I'll be going to see a psychiatrist or something, sometime soon. But I feel as though I'll be wasting his/her time....I only told people about my mental problems a few weeks ago so they knew why I would suck so much at school. It's like a stepping stone on the way to my eventual suicide. I'm kinda just waiting around...till the time is right.

Although apparently people can get better. Considering the life we're given and the place we're forced to live in, I have no clue how anyone could 'get better'.

So try what others suggest, head to the doctors and see what you can do about it. good luck

 

if there is a bright side here, it's that you haven't committed it already. which means, at the back of your mind you still want to stick around. so go get the help that you need. blog, rant, get some pro to help you, write, run, draw, and then do it all over again.

and don't try to be normal. it's overrated.

 

i hate this distinction of normal or not normal if you suffer from mental health issues. we are all "normal" just to differing degrees, are we more normal because we admit that our minds are playing tricks with us than those that dont cos they are too weak to recognise it. we are not running round killing peeps, hurting peeps, paedo;s, thats not normal, we are all normal but with problems. you feel normal cos you are! you are just not well...just like having flu or something. dont add to the stigma we already have to deal with. :screwloose::loopy:

 

Just wondering...what defines normal?

 

Not doing well. read replies just not comprehending.

Thanks. Bye.