I'm sorry. This is a long-winded mess. Lots of random thoughts. I just start going and it all comes flowing out. Don't feel like you have to read it or anything. ---- This isn't normal, the feeling of wanting to die. I don't like feeling this way. But I do, because I hate life so much. I didn't always feel this way. I used to be happy, carefree. I want things to be better. I am the only one that can do it, though. It seems like an impossible challenge. So hard. I need the suicidal feelings to go away. I am so sick of feeling this way. I can't even will it away anymore. It's no longer a feeling, it's an urge that doesn't go away. Every single day, thoughts of dying. I could be dead by the morning if I wanted to be. No one would check on me before it was too late. That is what scares me. I can't deal with this forever. Things need to start getting better. I'm starting to worry about my health and my heart. Severe depression and anxiety can't be helping much. Being sad and depressed every day is so hard to bear. I want to be happy and smiling like people on TV. A happy life can't be impossible to achieve, can it? I hope and pray that there will be a time when I don't feel like this anymore. I want to feel happy. I would do anything to have a happy life. I f*cking HATE this! When do I get to be happy?!?