When do I get to be happy?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lymeinside, Dec 17, 2006.

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  1. lymeinside

    lymeinside Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. This is a long-winded mess. Lots of random thoughts. I just start going and it all comes flowing out. Don't feel like you have to read it or anything.

    This isn't normal, the feeling of wanting to die. I don't like feeling this way. But I do, because I hate life so much. I didn't always feel this way. I used to be happy, carefree. I want things to be better. I am the only one that can do it, though. It seems like an impossible challenge. So hard.

    I need the suicidal feelings to go away. I am so sick of feeling this way. I can't even will it away anymore. It's no longer a feeling, it's an urge that doesn't go away. Every single day, thoughts of dying. I could be dead by the morning if I wanted to be. No one would check on me before it was too late. That is what scares me.

    I can't deal with this forever. Things need to start getting better. I'm starting to worry about my health and my heart. Severe depression and anxiety can't be helping much.

    Being sad and depressed every day is so hard to bear. I want to be happy and smiling like people on TV. A happy life can't be impossible to achieve, can it?

    I hope and pray that there will be a time when I don't feel like this anymore. I want to feel happy. I would do anything to have a happy life. I f*cking HATE this! When do I get to be happy?!?
  2. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for my short post, I just wanted to post this and be off to bed.

    I know it sounds strange coming from a guy like you being depressed, so jealous of all the other happy people, so sad and frustrated at your situation. I know that its NOT impossible ever for you to have a happy life, even though I myself am positive that I can never be normal and happy, but I feel inferior to everyone anyways.

    I just know inside that its not set in stone and that you CAN be happy, you MAY not, but I'm sure you can if you put in some effort, once again, stupid coming from a guy that doesn't even want to put effort to fix his own utterly pathetic life.
  3. lymeinside

    lymeinside Well-Known Member

    I wonder what it's like to be happy in life. I honestly have never had a time in the past 10 years that I could say I honestly felt happy. I have been miserable ever since the beginning of highschool.

    All I have every day are feelings of dispair, sadness, depression, and hopelessness. I need to feel happy. I don't even know what that's like.

    I just want to be at a point in life where I can feel good about the future. This feels so terrible.

    I realize that I am the only one that can change things, but I don't know how I could. I'm going to be screwed. I am 22 and I have no friends, aquaintences, girlfriends, nothing. It would be so nice to have someone to lean on at times like this.

    I wish I could see into the future. The only reason I stay alive is because I have hope that things can get better. It is cruel, in a way. Maybe I am suffering through this life hopelessly. Maybe I am going to be unhappy forever. I can't deal with that. If I knew I would be unhappy forever, I'd do something crazy.

    I'm sorry. This is a huge mess of a post. Just need to vent, I guess.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2006
  4. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    I feel a lot of the same feelings...
    I wish I was happy...
    PM me if you want...
  5. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    Just get all those confusing feelings out. It will be ok.
  6. lymeinside

    lymeinside Well-Known Member

    Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I just want this feeling to go away. As long as I feel like I want to kill myself, everything feels like a struggle against hopelessness.
  7. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    it is all very confusing. i know we all have mixed feelings about life.
  8. twilight

    twilight Well-Known Member

    I have asked myself the same question. Why can't I be like the girls at my dorm room who seem so happy and carefree? Why did I choose to live there? I can't be like them so I am alone because I am not good enough for them! Sorry, I can't think of any good advice except just keep trying. Maybe there is someone in your family or friends that could help you become happy. I used to have someone like that. It really helped me and I would look forward to seeing them everyday. I still have good memories of that person.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 18, 2006
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    First of all, I must say that I don't understand why people feel entitled to be happy. Where is it written that life is supposed to be this great party and that if you are unhappy you somehow got screwed? I know this may sound like a crock, but happiness is more often than not a decision. It is not something that "happens" to you, it is something you wake up every day and work for. It is changing your outlook and state of mind to either change the things that make you unhappy, or if they can't be changed, to consciously decide that those things you cannot change are no longer going to have control over your life/mood, etc. That is the main difference between happy people and unhappy people. Happy people have just as many trials and tribulations as unhappy people, sometimes more. They have just made an effort to develop better coping skills as opposed to sitting around feeling like life dealt them a crap hand and fantasizing that everyone else has it so much easier. Some of the happiest people I know have also had some of the most difficult lives. Why do you think this is?
  10. Acetaminophen

    Acetaminophen Well-Known Member

    I'm partially happy, and it's harder to handle both happiness and depression because you want to suicide and happy thoughts counter your urge . .
    then when you want to be happy the depressing thoughts attack and bring you back down . .

    it's a complicated thing . .
    no matter what i do, the suicidal feelings are always there, no matter how happy i become, i hope you'll find your way, everyone deserves to be happy . .
  11. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Maybe it would help to entirely rule out suicide as a possibility. Probably easier said than done, but perhaps if the decsion were made that no matter how bad things got, suicide was not an alternative, then you would find it easier to live in the happier moments. Maybe even work on actively creating those moments because of the idea that without suicide as an option, you might as well make the best of it.
  12. lymeinside

    lymeinside Well-Known Member

    I suppose I do actually agree with at least some of what you've said. I guess I'm just in a terrible mindset right now. I have a good idea of what would make me happy, and I suppose would probably even lose my suicidal urges. It just seems absolutely out of reach, even though most people have no trouble accomplishing these things. I feel like a huge failure.

    I really don't deserve to be whining about this. I realize now how stupid it is to whine, yet do nothing to fix things.

    The basic point of this thread was that I am so sick of having the idea of suicide in my head. I really do wish that suicide just wasn't an option, but I can't will it away. Everything I do, I do with the idea of "killing yourself would be easier" in the back of my mind. I'm so unhappy now, that I just feel like I will be this way for the rest of my life. The idea of being depressed, lonely, and miserable until I die alone in my hospital bed doesn't sound like an option.

    When I think about it, I will be dead of natural causes within 70 years at the most, and nothing will matter anymore. None of the problems will matter. I'll just be a forgotten skeleton in the ground. Actually, I really should try to think this way. I love this idea. Why not just live life and take whatever happens? We only live once. No matter what kind of problems I may have, they will not matter when I am gone. Why the hell am I so scared to ask a girl out? In 70 years it will have never happened! Why care about being embarassed in social situations? Same deal, when I'm a grey haired corpse, it may as well have never happened. I may have been dealt a shitty hand, but you play the hand you're dealt, right?

    Oh my god. I think I had an epiphany. I can't believe it. This is amazing. I am actually crying right now. I apologize if this sounds corny, but it honestly feels like a dark cloud that's been hanging over me has been lifted. It all makes sense now. This feels so good. A new year starts in 2 weeks. Perfect timing. I can actually imagine a future. I haven't been able to do that for a long time. Why haven't I thought like this before? We only live a short life, and after that, nothing matters. I've been held back so long by my f*cking anxiety and avoidance. No more.

    Again, I sorry for this whole mess. It probably doesn't flow very well, I just type out everything I am thinking. I like to get my feelings out. This has been the best post I've ever made. I honestly sat here for over an hour thinking and typing this out.
  13. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Congratulations! :) You are absolutely right! In a way, nothing we do really matters in the long run (unless you're going around curing Cancer or something), so nobody but you will remember these little successes and failures, which is actually really good news and very freeing. You could go up to a girl, ask her out, have your pants fall down and pee yourself as you run away in humiliation, and it's not like it's gonna be on a documentary on the History Channel in 50 years. "The Man Whose Pants Fell Down and Peed Himself While Asking a Girl Out, Part 3 of a 5 part series". :) So live your life with freedom and abandon! In the grand scheme, we are only here for what amounts to about a second in the history of time, if that. Take risks, come out of your shell and feel good!
  14. lymeinside

    lymeinside Well-Known Member

    Hahaha, you actually made me laugh. :D

    I really appreciate your original replies to this post. They really are what got me thinking about this as a whole, rather than just dwelling on how depressed I am.

    It does feel good right now. All of my depression and suicidal feelings come from being so shy, avoidant and introverted. When I think about how even the most embarassing situations will mean nothing one day, it makes me feel stupid for worrying about it so much.

    Ahhh. I know it's not just going to be as easy as this, but it definately feels like a good start.
  15. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Haha. It's hard to have perspective about your own life, but it definitely helps! Shyness can be overcome (I was a painfully shy child, and to make it worse I used to blush a lot, which is so embarrassing). For me it was doing little things to bring myself out of my comfort zone, even if I had to practice what I was going to do or say at home for hours. Little by little, I became MUCH more confident. It was definitely worth it from a social standpoint :) Most people are so concerned about how they look to you, they hardly even notice your little triumphs and failures. That takes the pressure off a bit. Good luck with your new outlook and try to stay positive :)

  16. You have stated that happiness can be achieved by changing your attitude.
    Has it worked for you? No offense, but If it has, why are you participating on a suicide forum :confused: ?

    I think you may have a relevant point for those people who simply have the blues or are down in the dumps. Unfortunately, as you know, this is a suicide forum and I suspect that many of us here are hard-core mental cases who are miles beyond a simple case of the "nobody loves me" :blue: .
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2006
  17. lymeinside

    lymeinside Well-Known Member

    I get the feeling you are talking about me, and if you are, I'd have you know that my problems are far more than what you are trivializing them as. I have social anxiety disorder, and besides attending classes at college, I have been nearly housebound for about 6 years. You might imagine what kinds of things eventually happen to a persons emotions and mind, when they can barely speak to another human without having a panic attack.

    Besides that, I don't think peanut0017 was saying that you can just change your attitude. He/she was more talking about how being "happy" is a mindstate, not something that magically happens to you. I do agree with that. I also agree with you that some people here have severe mental issues that are far beyond a case of being depressed over your circumstances. To be honest, I don't relate to any of that, and this thread wasn't really about that.

    Anyway, I am still going with the outlook that there is no point in worrying about things that will mean nothing in 100 years.
  18. spud

    spud Member

    I really don't have a lot to add, but do want to say that I am thinking of you. I am not strong enough myself at present to be very constructive.

    I know what panic attacks are like, but I do not have them quite as severe as you seem to.

    I too am battling with the wish to suicide most of the day at present and can really empathise with you. Sometimes I want to live others I think, WTF let it happen and release me.

    Take care and please PM me also if you want to talk more.
  19. I'm sorry, I just don't see the connection that you are making between my statements and yourself. The phrase "hard core mental cases" would imply just the opposite meaning of what you are accusing me of. There's nothing trivial about being a mental case, much less one that is hard-core, therefore your interpretation makes no sense and totally baffles me.

    Actually I felt insulted by peanut's theory that basically insinuates that if I am continually unhappy it must be because I am some passive wretch who is too busy blaming others to try and change things. Well I AM one of the hard core mental cases ( I have avoidant personality disorder, atypical depression, etc ) I've been seeing psychiatrists and counselors for more than two decades, and I've spent time in a psychiatric hospital, and I've tried just about every f**king approach to make myself hap-peeee !!!!!! I have always taken personal responsibilty in finding solutions for my mental condition and for anyone to suggest that my lack of success is because of some self-pitying, defeatist attitude on my part just pisses me off !

    Happiness ? Screw that! I would be satisfied to just feel normal.
  20. Acetaminophen

    Acetaminophen Well-Known Member

    i don't get this forum at all . .

    this isn't a case of who's got the worst problems . .
    this forum are for people who need help in things that make them feel suicidal or at least depressed . .
    for example:

    i could feel suicidal just because a 3 year old took a candy that i was eating . .

    it may not sound much but we have to give respect to other people's opinions
    judging something like "my prob are worse than yours" is just being ignorant.
    some problems may not appeal that bad to others but it can be the worst thing in a certain person's life

    another example:

    Paris Hilton had a breakdown and felt suicidal because she wasn't able to buy the 400,000dollar pencil that was her life's dream
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