When do you know its Self-Sabotage?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by belletone, Apr 18, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. belletone

    belletone Active Member

    I feel sometimes that my brain is my enemy. I can never tell if my intentions are pure, or if I'm actually trying to destroy myself subconsciously. Who am I, why do I do such stupid, humiliating, and embarrassing things to myself. WHy do I hurt others? How do I know when I'm setting myself up for failure. Why can't I just be happy? Why does everyone believe in me when all I can see is this self-hating, self-doubting bitch who secretly wants everyone to see her for what she is. I don't even know what. I want everyone to have no expectations for me. I want everyone to lose interest in me so I can just stop worrying that I'm going to hurt someone.

    How do I know when I accidentally or purposely hurt someone when I can't even figure out my real intentions. I hate my brain and its fucked up chemistry.

    It feels like my worldview could flip at any second. I feel like everyone will find out that I'm a fake and a hypocrite.

    I just don't want to hurt anyone. I want to curl up into myself until I disappear.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    that could've been me writing that so I have no answers for you..just know that you are not alone with these feelings.....:hug::flowers:
  3. I've gotten to the point that I simply accept that I am, for lack of a better word, a monster. All of my friends, family, and acquaintances know this and warn people. I'm extremely friendly and people love me until they see the proverbial Mr. Hyde.

    Even though everyone knows this, they are still surprised every time I do something "evil".

    Just today I started thinking that perhaps I am this way because I assume my time is running out. Perhaps I'm stuck in "Live like there's no tomorrow" mode.
  4. belletone

    belletone Active Member

    When it gets bad, like it is now, my main concern is that I can't seem to determine my motivation for my actions, and therefor anyone who interacts with me could be a victim, even if I don't realize what I'm doing. I'd rather die than hurt someone in any way.
  5. Well bleh, don't be so self-righteous, so what if a few people get hurt. You're the one whose life is hanging in the balance. Do what you must to survive one more day. Tomorrow do what you must to survive one more day. So on and so forth. That's where you should be if you're truly at the end of the line.

    Do what you must, the rest are simply details.
  6. akito38

    akito38 Member

    for me its because I just can't get my self to make my life better. I waste time not getting anything done. At this rate I will end up homeless.
  7. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    That sounds like something I'd post, exactly. My thinking is fucked up and I have no regard for others.
  8. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    i sometimes feel like my mind is unable to decide what is normal. and i too push people away sometimes. but that has changed some for me recently. i started therapy and have started taking some meds. we'll see how it winds up.

    also, i noticed another post where you were talking about hypersensitivity to sound. i know it's going to sound stupid but have you tried earplugs while trying to study? i usually get those foam ones that are anywhere from 28-33 db of noise reduction. they can really help concentration from time to time when in a noisy place.
  9. belletone

    belletone Active Member

    Yeah, I've tried earplugs. Unfortunately, because I'm a music student, often times I have to listen to my study materials. I've used headphones, but often noise from my neighbors is still audible. I've asked other people in the dorms, and its not just me these neighbors are disturbing...

    Therapy and new medication have helped me a lot, but I still get these waves of uncertainty and deep self-loathing. I just have to keep from acting on impulses of self-violence of direct and indirect types whenever they rear their heads.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.