well it's a long weekend here, only saturday night and two more very long days stretching ahead of me. i am feeling low tonight, desperate to stop feeling this bad. desperate to do something, anything other than live in my skin right now. i am tired and lonely and more than anything sad. i signed a no-suicide pact with my therapist but i don't feel like living up to my end of the agreement. one minute i'm checking the tide tables, the next i'm looking up the number of the hotline. i read on someone's thread that what we suicide attempters have in common is poor impulse control, yup, i could relate to that. i worry that if i attempt again it will be that i just get worked up into one of my moods and i convince myself it's a good idea. i know i don't want to die but i also don't want to keep feeling like i'm gonna jump out of my skin. the other thing on my mind is that i wonder if a person can be a little bit bipolar. the depression part i know well, and i cycle into it every 3 years or so. this time it's lasted longer and has been harder to shake. i also go through very intense phases too, where i'm feeling really creative, working on photos and writing late into the night, not sleeping much, feeling like i could conquer the world. when i was in my 20s & early 30s i would become very promiscuous in these phases, doing lots of drugs, partying hard. i'd shoplift loads, and for a while i worked as a courier, carrying (illegal) drugs across the border for a gang. when i got arrested, that put a stop to that. so... is this just more of the poor impulse control, and typical druggie behaviour or might i be a bit bipolar? i guess i could ask my therapist these things. it would be strange to be diagnosed in my 40s, though, right? thanks for listening. i guess i didn't realize i had so much to say!