when does it get easier?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by dazzle11215, May 3, 2008.

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  1. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    well it's a long weekend here, only saturday night and two more very long days stretching ahead of me. i am feeling low tonight, desperate to stop feeling this bad. desperate to do something, anything other than live in my skin right now. i am tired and lonely and more than anything sad. i signed a no-suicide pact with my therapist but i don't feel like living up to my end of the agreement. one minute i'm checking the tide tables, the next i'm looking up the number of the hotline.

    i read on someone's thread that what we suicide attempters have in common is poor impulse control, yup, i could relate to that. i worry that if i attempt again it will be that i just get worked up into one of my moods and i convince myself it's a good idea. i know i don't want to die but i also don't want to keep feeling like i'm gonna jump out of my skin.

    the other thing on my mind is that i wonder if a person can be a little bit bipolar. the depression part i know well, and i cycle into it every 3 years or so. this time it's lasted longer and has been harder to shake.

    i also go through very intense phases too, where i'm feeling really creative, working on photos and writing late into the night, not sleeping much, feeling like i could conquer the world. when i was in my 20s & early 30s i would become very promiscuous in these phases, doing lots of drugs, partying hard. i'd shoplift loads, and for a while i worked as a courier, carrying (illegal) drugs across the border for a gang. when i got arrested, that put a stop to that.

    so... is this just more of the poor impulse control, and typical druggie behaviour or might i be a bit bipolar? i guess i could ask my therapist these things. it would be strange to be diagnosed in my 40s, though, right?

    thanks for listening. i guess i didn't realize i had so much to say!
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    just called the suicide hotline. can't say i feel any better. what do i do now?
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    hi catherine! thanks for replying to my thread, i wish i had answers for you but all i can say is please try and hold on , have you went out for a walk?
    you can make it hun, you are very strong , please dont do anything harmful :no:
    Last edited by a moderator: May 3, 2008
  4. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    I dont think any age is a strange one to be diagnosed with any mental disorder, or anything for that matter. I do believe it would be good if u told ur therapist these things, not necessarily instead of us but as well as us. Because I believe the therapist should be the one person to hide nothing from, to achieve the goal of the therapy. Now I sound so stupid. Anyway. I am sorry calling the hotline hasnt made u feel much better, but I still think its good u talked about it a bit. I wish I could tell u more about bein bipolar but I really have no idea about it. Im just glad to read the part of your post where u say you dont wanna die, I understand ur worries about impulse, but please please always remind urself of that thought inside of you, you dont want to die. Now Ive talked loads and really said nothing I guess, but I hope you feel better :hug:
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    thanks guys, after talking to the hotline i took my meds, plus a sleeping pill and within 30 minutes i was out cold. just gonna hang in until my next therapy (thurs this week because of the holiday)... it seems so long away. so, just gonna try and remember that i am committing to life at this exact moment. not to get caught up in the past, and not worry about the future, just live in the right now.

  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug: Im glad you are safe hun! hope your next session of therapy makes you feel much better :hug:

    i wish there was more i could do to help, try and hang in there catherine!
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    thanks guys

    i'm feeling really low today. went outside for some fresh air and a walk, didn't help. called some friends in the states, didn't help. i am supposed to meet another group of friends tomorrow afternoon to go for a walk around some gardens near here, i'm the organizer. i just don't want to go. i just took a long nap. i really just want to sleep and not wake up.

    everything hurts and i'm so exhausted. i made lists for myself in case i felt this low again, and the first thing on the list is: do not harm yourself and the second is: get help. but it's a sunday and my therapist is not at work, the day hospital is closed today and tomorrow. there's always the ER but i just can't get up the energy to get over there.

    maybe if i just go back to bed i can sleep this bad mood away... things always seem brighter in the morning.
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i really cannot take any more of this.

    i have suffered for 42 years. isn't that enough? do i have to keep struggling, keep trying? these are honest questions. isn't staying alive for 42 years enough?

    i punish myself but it doesn't take the hurt away. nothing does. nothing will.
    will i never be good enough?
  9. *shifty eyes*

    *shifty eyes* Active Member

    i know the feeling, right now my body hurts, my mind, and well my soul. staying alive when you don't really want to takes a lot out of you.
    i wasn't cleaning fast enough so my dad threw a cleaner bottle at me. but according to my friends death isnt the answer, you can hold on I know you can hun
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    catherine i know you're feeling very low at the moment, you can hold on hun, think of all the people you have helped on here, think of the email you sent to ray darcy he even read it out on the national radio to show others that they can overcome these feelings, think of how hard it was to get help, to see a therapist, you have made it this far, you can keep going hun , take another walk, call another friend, play a relaxation tape, look proudly at your photography on your website, you are very strong and i look up to you , i wish i had as much courage as you, you can make it until thursday :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2008
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    the only thing keeping me here is the fear that my family and friends won't forgive me for leaving like this. it's such a small thing, but i am hanging on to it.

    i feel like the depression has overwhelmed me again, 100% and i feel it in every cell in my body. my head feels like it is wrapped in wool, everything is fuzzy and everyone seems so far away. i feel such relief that i know how to stop this pain, still, i am a little sad. there are so many things that i didn't get to do. i never made it to mongolia. never got a photo in the museum of modern art. never got to see my nephews graduate high school. i hope they can forgive me.
  12. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    as you said to me , don't give in to these urges.
    you know how this is, the ups and downs. one day is bad and the next is a bit better.

    its good you are being with people even if you feel alone, you need to keep talking this thru and i am glad you are doing this.

    pm anytime if you need to chat

    stay safe
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