when does it stop hurting???

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by rwillson, Nov 16, 2007.

  1. rwillson

    rwillson Well-Known Member

    it's been over six years since my fiance passed away and it still hurts. she died from a stupid mistake a doctor made, at UCLA Santa Monica hospital. such a stupid mistake i could have caught it, so stupid a five dollar pill book would have prevented it. hell just reading the prescription warning would have caught it. i have tried to move on but i can't seem to let go, tried killing myself over her passing twice. dating since her death has become an exercise in futility, one disaster after another. i want to move on but i just can't let go.

    i dream of , i dream of her a lot. at first they were horrible dreams, reliving the moment of loss. the dreams of anger, not my anger but hers, angry at me for a reason which i don't know. then the most confusing dreams of all, dreams where she would beg and plead for me to come rescue her, to be with her, reminding me that i said i would always be there for her and i wasn't, dreams that more or less said she wanted me to join her. lately the dreams are better, she is there and i just hold on and cling to her as tight as possible, not wanting to let go, because i know i will have to when i wake up. and with all these dream, i awake and relive the moment she died, feeling that tremendous feeling of loss and abandonment. my panic attacks now involve her as well. i have had panic attacks for years, that feeling of looming doom and terror like you about to die. my panic attacks are no longer about my death, i have faced my own mortality more than most would care for and it doesn't scare me, i would welcome it (i am tired of this ride, i want it to end. if i don't like a movie i leave). but my panic attacks about her, i don't feel as if i am going to die, i instead feel that intense feeling of loss and abandonment (my therapist says it seems i have developed some PTSD symptoms over her passing)...

    i wouldn't give up my memories of her for the world, people say one day i will remember only the good, but it is the good memories that hurt the most. we never fought, we thought alike, we were each others support, we were both broken and beaten when we met, we mended each other, we were inseparable, there are no bad memories, just good memories that bring emotional pain...

    r...
     
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    :hug: Reading your post I saw a lot of what I'm going through too but it was my step-mum who passed away last year. Her doctor put her behaviour down to a chest infection but she died a few days later of something that could have been cured if caught earlier. I relive it a lot, the last few days she was alive and yes the good memories are painful. You're struggling a lot, it's good you're seeing a therapist - are they helping you? Have you considered contacting organisations that deal soley on [SIZE=-1]bereavement[/SIZE]? I don't know where you live but if you're in the UK please consider contacting Cruse.

    Sounds to me you're feeling guilt, like you feel you didn't do as much as you could? Your love for her is clear and if you were both as close as you say you were then I'm sure she wouldn't hold it against you, she would want you to do something with your life and to live it and to not suffer as much as you are right now. Perhaps it would help if you did something in her memory.

    I was watching a TV show yesterday and this guy's girlfriend died traumatically in a car crash, he was a writer and he started writing a novel about their life together and their love etc.. To help him deal with it and it was a great idea.. perhaps you could do something like that. If not a novel then a poem or a painting, or anything at all to help you deal with this. There's also memorial websites you could make a page dedicated to her.

    The wheels of life have stopped turning for you, but you need to give them a push to start them again. She may not be here in person but she will forever be in your heart and it can help to know she is still here in spirit - it helps me when it comes to my step-mum. Live your life as I'm sure she would want you to. The dreams you both had beforehand, don't let them stop. Continue them through and it will make you proud, I'm sure she would be proud of you. Keep fighting. :hug:
     
  3. rwillson

    rwillson Well-Known Member

    i have ben through so much of that grieving process and exercises if you want to call them that. written letters, journaled, tried to express how i feel in using art (i am damn good, having been a fine arts, ad major in college), i have even tried through music (i am an do some house music production work here and there). i seemingly can't get past it. i know one never really gets over loosing someone but to the degree of effect it still impacts me is staggering at times. it ruined my las relationship (although that was a two way street, her level of jealousy was uncalled for and only made things harder, she actually flipped out when she learned a i carry a picture of Pam in my wallet)...

    i am not seeing anyone now, that doesn't mean i don't feel alone, and in feeling alone my mind retreats to what it misses the most. i am also bipolar and borderline as well as a few other things, so adding this prolonged grief to the forementioned has taken it's toll, i don't get out much, my bipolar disorder keeps me from my career and working long hours, about the only enjoyment i get is going to the gym 4 to 5 days out of the week. i don't have a lot of friends, i have problems connecting, i put up walls wherever i go, crowds scare the hell out of me and as of late i freak out driving at night...

    don't know where this response is going, so i am going to end it for now, thank you for sharing, i hadn't thought about a memorial website, it might be a good idea. this spring i am hoping to travel to NYC to visit her where she is interned, the plans aren't set and i would like to track doen some of our old friends who live in NYC, since i don't think it would be a good idea to go alone...

    r...