Darkwolf, I know how you feel.. alot.. pretending.. hiding my true feelings and hoping each day will be different.. You don't have to hide here at all.. you can express yourself and talk to us.. we are here for you.. Yes, I also understand hiding the thoughts one has...but you have been here awhile.. do you not feel that you can express this with us or somebody you are close too.. here and trust?
Darkwolf, I understand completely that nobody believed that i would do anything either.. and I have attempted many times..for whatever reason, ppl can't believe that I am still here.. and then I found SF.. and yes, I was and intended to attempt again... can't say that I am perfect at all because I know how deep the pain is one feels, I know how difficult it is to go on on day to day.. I know how it is that a T (therapist) or pdoc (psychiatrist) isn't listening at all and don't believe that one will do anything when one hurts so deeply.. and the pain is to great to bear..
I have been there and many times where I get to the point that I don't care anymore either.. so what.. yeah,.. have had that too.. some T says that some small part of me wants to live.. I understand completely.. what part.. I don't give a shit.. you know??
I am glad that you have a good friend who cares enough about you and hopefully that friend will never let you go but stick to you and be there for you..always...
You are not taking up space and I know I feel that too.. there is a reason and I can't remember my dealing with my past either.. For you to feel this way, it may be possible? I don't know that something happened and may come out later.. maybe you need to find another T who understands yet I know how difficult it is.. please give us a chance.. please pm me anytime you want to talk.. i know.. how it is.. really.. I know ppl have told me the same thing and it makes me mad..so what? another day or two won't matter... and I have feltl and still struggle honestly with its a solution to a long long term problem that doesn't get any better.. I understand and I am sure others may feel the same maybe.. but I am here for you.. please don't do anything right now.. there is always that solution..later.. that decision.. but not now, okay?? I know and understand and I am here to tell you that. I know how difficult it is to keep going each day and feeling the way you do... Please hang in there.. I care deeply about you and I know.. how it feels alot.. I found SF "accidentally" and ppl reached out to me.. alot.. and talked to me alot.. I mean, at anytime, you can make that decision, I know and so can I.. but right now.. let's talk.. Okay? I know you are probably tired of talking to anybody at all.. for sure.. me too.. I am here for you... please hang on and pm me.. I don't know what else to say except at any time you can make that decision but not right now.. sorry if I am rambling on.. and I really do care about you.. Why? you may ask somebody who doesn't know you personally.. well you came to SF and not by accident either.. reaching out and some days are completely hopelessness... and you may not be thinking be straight either... so let's talk okay? I know.. you are probably tired of talkiing to anybody at all.. but please give us a chance.. and me.. okay?? just chat.. a friend to talk to? about whatever.. you want.. I hope you will.. many ppl here care about you and so do I.. I can relate to everything you said here.. I know that is very frustrating too.. please PM me.. okay? anytime.. it is your decision but just know you have ppl here and myself that care about you and think of your friend who cares about you too..
I have lost many ppl in my life since I was young and 9 were suicides.. my very best friend and other very close friends, including my uncle and my cousin, his son.. others I have lost no matter the age , young and older. my boyrfriend, of 7 years in motorcycle accident and others in accidents and illness.. just the way it is.. I am not telling you this because I want sympathy or someone to feel sorry for me ;.. not at all .. but only to tell you I have experienced much loss in my life, no matter what the situation was.. and for whatever reason, I am still alive to talk to ppl and be there and help them... if I can since I understand how painful each day it is to continue on and find a purpose in one's life.. my heart has been broken deeply and wounded as well as my soul.. but finding SF and the wonderful ppl here has helped me also to be here to tell you this... I have no problem at all, whatsoever, ending it all.. I could do it any time.. seriously.. but because of the friends I have made here on SF.. I am still here.. so that I can tell you this..
Incidentally, I went to 5 funerals in 4 months... one was my very best friend and my boyfriend.. and I ended up in a hospital eventually.. too much.. you are NOT alone at all..
I will help you walk thru the pain you are dealing with and others will too.. I hope you will give us a chance to be there for you.. I know it seems very dark at times and I have been there many times... please give us a chance and don't give up but try to fight back or we will help you fight back..Lean on us... when you can't find the strength to carry on... you are worth it and a wonderful awesome person.. Remember that..,OK?? I hope I am not to late in responding to you..
Love
Gitana
