When enough is enough

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Jan 24, 2013.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am tired. So tired of trying to hang onto something that evidently is not worth the time and effort. Tired of fighting my physical illness and all the bullshit that comes with it. I would like just one day where it is not such an effort to even move. I have no fucking idea how I manage to get through the day. I'm now in bed and I can barely even lift my arms. I would like a time when I don't have illness after illness and complications. I just want to feel young. I'm 22 and I feel like a fucking 90 year old.

    I am sick and tired of fighting this mental illness. I try so hard to just keep on an even keel. I have tried so hard the past couple of months to get my recovery on track but for what? I don't feel any better for it, infact my moods are so erratic I cannot even second guess myself. What the point? It is evident to me that I have been sick in the head from a very young age, so will anything change in the future? I was born this way, and I just have to deal with the fact that my death will be by suicide. I've always known it, even as a child.

    I just can't keep positive anymore. I try to look at the best in every situation and despite my struggles I have achieved so much in my life. But what was the point? None of it makes me happy. I just feel like a disappointment. Not because I haven't achieved anything, but because I don't feel anything for what I have achieved. I am stuck, and now I can't move forward. Nothing is letting me move forwards. Maybe I'm not destined too. Maybe its a sign that the end is nigh.
     
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    While I dont know everything your going thru, I hope you can find some rest and maybe a day you can feel better. There r lots of us here for you. I can't imagine how hard it must be. I just hope you can do your best to live on and work thru these battles.
     
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I don't want to anymore. I'm tired, so tired. I'm actually away at my nans this week and it is evident how tired I am. Sleeping for 12 hours and then having 2 hour naps here and there. That never happens at home. And guess what, I still feel exhausted. I don't want to carry on like this anymore. I might just go and catch one big infection and hope it finishes me off or stop drinking so my kidneys fuck up and it kills me off. I'm so tired of this life.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your nan would not want you to leave hun I do hope you continue to rest ok and talk to your doctors hun WE care about you hun please do everything you can to keeps you safe hugs
     
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I could drop off the face of the earth and it wouldn't even matter to anyone. I'm not important, nor am I worth it. An attempt could be in the pipeline tomorrow night. I'm going out and getting drunk. Let's hope I feel invincible enough to off myself once and for all.
     
  6. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Here if you want to PM - please don't do what you're contemplating - the shame of mental illness is that it does not let us see our own value - talking about loving oneself is not a trite cliche but is the heart of the matter. Feel free as ever to drop me a line Lexi, you're just too awesome to snuff yourself out.
     
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I wish I felt like it. I feel like a 22 year old stuck in an old womans body. Tired of being sick and feeling like a wreck. Tired of being miserable or wanting to break someones neck. Tired of every day being russian roulette. I just want all this shit to stop once and for all.
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear you hun we all hear you but iknow for a fact people would give a dam if you left i for one would give a dam and so would many here. YOUR NAN would give a dam hun
    You hang on you reach out to all supports ok go to hospital if you must but YOU do not leave us you hun hear us we care hugs
     
  9. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    It would only be momentary. "Oh that poor Alex, what a tragic story" when 2 months later I will be gone and forgotten. Everyone would have moved on and I will just be a distant memory. I know my family would hurt, but they have each other too. My fiance would find someone else, I'm sure he would be far happier if my existence ceases.
     
  10. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I still feel pains from another here who passes.. and think of them constantly.. While the internet can seem as some block or wall, people do still care.. I can understand the feeling sick. lately I have no energy as well and have been waking every day with dizziness, stomach pains, etc.. It is hard to get up. But I know for me I need to be here for people who need me right now. And take it day by day. I hope you can see your doctor, get some help to figure out ways to help with these issues you are having, or ways you can even just improve your life a bit. We are also all here for you when you need to rant and vent. Let things out. Or just sit here knowing there are people behind your computer screen (that maybe don't say it directly) who do care.
     
  11. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    Hey, Its justnei / isapurpleoctopus

    I havnt spoken to you in months...
    And i still wonder how you are~! i care about you and pleanty of others do too; im sorry there isnt anything i can do... Im sorry :/ *Hug*
     
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