I am tired. So tired of trying to hang onto something that evidently is not worth the time and effort. Tired of fighting my physical illness and all the bullshit that comes with it. I would like just one day where it is not such an effort to even move. I have no fucking idea how I manage to get through the day. I'm now in bed and I can barely even lift my arms. I would like a time when I don't have illness after illness and complications. I just want to feel young. I'm 22 and I feel like a fucking 90 year old. I am sick and tired of fighting this mental illness. I try so hard to just keep on an even keel. I have tried so hard the past couple of months to get my recovery on track but for what? I don't feel any better for it, infact my moods are so erratic I cannot even second guess myself. What the point? It is evident to me that I have been sick in the head from a very young age, so will anything change in the future? I was born this way, and I just have to deal with the fact that my death will be by suicide. I've always known it, even as a child. I just can't keep positive anymore. I try to look at the best in every situation and despite my struggles I have achieved so much in my life. But what was the point? None of it makes me happy. I just feel like a disappointment. Not because I haven't achieved anything, but because I don't feel anything for what I have achieved. I am stuck, and now I can't move forward. Nothing is letting me move forwards. Maybe I'm not destined too. Maybe its a sign that the end is nigh.