for years everything ive found pleasure in has been self harming in one way or another, even 'self' play, i cant seem to get anywhere without imagining being in immense pain or causing my pain in order to get where I want to be. Sex is the same, to feel close to death seems to be the only thing that really turns me on, being under the threat of death or pain,,,, I know this is kinda fucky, and ive tried many times to try and make this 'normal' but it doesnt work and I always revert back to what works. From as far back as I can remember it has always been the same, as ive grown the intensity of the pain i cause myself gets worse, scaring pain, leaving marks, getting more and more dangerous in places where the marks cannot be seen. i dont even know why im posting, i dont want to stop, i want to make it more intense, I feel like I am forever in torment and should not have enjoyment, only punishment for being who I am. mahhhhhh sounds like a pity party, more a vent of sorts. I only post here when I have no other alternative. no matter how people try and make you feel, your the only one who can change how you feel inside and sometimes condemnation is easier than forgiveness, forgiveness means you have to stand tall, and fight,,, but eventually you run out of steam and revert back to self punishment, it brings comfort.