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When/how will I do it?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheBLA, Dec 7, 2006.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I'm pretty sure I'm going to commit suicide eventually, life can only get worse for me as I keep being a failure, inferior, keep stagnating. I don't plan on committing suicide anytime soon but I really am sure I will. It just needs to be as quick and painless as possible for me so I guess no pills then.
    Its really strange on whether I should decide to commit suicide or not. I mean if I am so dead set on it, why don't I just drop out of school and forget about everything right now? I'm so confused, I never as a child thought I'd end up being so pathetic and depressed but neither did anyone else here either.

    I wish I wasn't the biggest loser to have ever lived. Maybe I should start on my suicide note, I'd want to make it really, really really long to tell my parents, brother and anyone else who actually cares about me everything about how I felt, liked, hated, etc.

    I don't even see the point of being here, been here over a year and still can't fully come out on why I am the biggest loser alive and want to take my life, nobody here knows me, cares about me, nobody would notice if I was gone, be totally honest, you really wouldn't, please don't lie to make me feel better.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 7, 2006
  2. left behind

    left behind Guest

    you are not the biggest loser alive!
    if you met me you would realise that(not a lie)
  3. thecleric

    thecleric Guest

    Heh, I know the feeling. I really can't imagine myself lasting long enough to collect Social Security.

    Of course, people would be more likely to really know you if you fully came out about what's so awful about yourself.

    But it's also the limitations of this forum and its members. It's an awkward medium of communication, with no body language, long gaps between statements, etc. But the members here are also of limited value as therapists--that's why so often they can only offer (((hugs))). This is essentially a mental hospital without the pshrinks. Everybody's a patient, and we just kind of stumble around.

    And now back to my regularly scheduled silence.
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    Your right about the first statement, I'll never get anywhere if I keep staying silent.

    But if you look around, you'll see all these people worried about many of the posters here like Kath, Malcontent, painnsiolence, physotic_sarah, etc. If I disappear, nobody will miss me, but thats a good thing as well, I want to bring as few people pain as possible when I commit suicide, I'll probably have to start antagonizing my parents and little brother and cutting off all contacts....
  5. Shattered_oblivion

    Shattered_oblivion Active Member

    You don't want anyone to lie to you, and say they will care if you go. I can honestly say, though, that I will care if someone commits suicide. It strikes me deeply, and it hurts. I really will honestly be hurt if you die. I'm hurt whenever I know that someone will die. You probably will just disregard this message and move towards suicide without any slowing down. But before you do I want to tell you something, but not here.
  6. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    hi there and welcome...
    i too would care if you died.. i dont know you yet.. but i do believe you absence will leave a hole in the world.. one that only u can fill and fulfill ... some where even if you r not aware of it .. u make a difference in this world...
  7. yoyo_girl

    yoyo_girl Member

    maybe this is the wrong thing to say... but i agree with something.. maybe you should begin that note. Not because I want to see you move closer to killing yourself, but because maybe telling those people all that stuff inside you is what will free you from it. When anger has no place to go it turns inward.

    if you could have anything change in your life... what would it be? what would need to happen for you to be happy? I'm asking because I want you to actually think about it.. what are the things which are keeping you from being happy now? If it is other people... then relationships change and situations change, you are not powerless. If it is internal only, then there really is help for that too.

    maybe you really do need to sit down and write letters... to everyone and to yourself. Imagine writing yourself a letter as if you were someone else. Only one rule, you can't just call yourself names. If you hate yourself then you have to be specific about why. You don't need to show any of it to anyone.
  8. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I know at least I fill a huge hole for my brother, I always make him laugh and give him companionship, I know he'd be devastated if I commited suicide. But I dunno, he still would have friends and other people for support, I just don't know.

    I just feel trapped, as I've said before, I don't want to die, I want to keep living but really feel that I can live in this current life of mine, I'm just so inferior and messed up that I can't survive in this world and have a normal life. I sometimes hope that maybe if I keep on living and survive, that maybe I could be reincarnated next time as actually a "normal" person.

    I don't have any plans to commit suicide but maybe I should just make one. I just don't know anymore. I really am so alone and nobody cares or are in denial.

    I'm feeling very scared, desperate, lonely, afraid..........
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 7, 2006
  9. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    if you don´t want to die then don´t do it. You said your brother has friends that can support him but do you really think they will help him to get trough that kind of lost? have you tried to talk to him? does he knows about what´s going on with you? i think that would be the best if you love each other he will try to help you to get better, he will be there. And don´t say no one will note your missing because i always read what you post because you always have a good word for someone who need it. I don´t pm to much people but i read what you post so I DO will know you´re gone. I don´t know what else to tell you but take care and that if you want to talk to me you just must to pm me i´m almost everynight here. Take care. i hope to see your posts tomorrow...
  10. yoyo_girl

    yoyo_girl Member

    just wondering if you are ok... :fish:
  11. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    Yeah, I'm totally fine, thanks for asking.
    I don't have a plan to commit suicide right now, nothing to harm myself with, no pills, no gun, etc.
    But I just feel that I will eventually, I dunno when but that I will and its a horrible feeling. I don't want to die, I just feel trapped thats all, just trapped.
  12. Serene

    Serene Member

    This could be you:


    or this:


    Or this:


    or this:


    Well I don't know you, but your avatar is pretty unique and easy to remember... you write very well, and I'm sure you have other talents.
  13. Hey

    Hey Well-Known Member

    I recently discovered a Holy Grail I had forgotten- The Art of Free Perception. Having the ability to view anything as you want.

    Ie. A man is tortured but the man does not see knives and blood. He sees teddy bears and fresh orange juice inside the knives and blood as if they were metaphors.

    Free Perception pwnz Depression, imo. :cool:
  14. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I'm getting more depressed, I'm a total failure, I think I'll commit suicide sooner than I previously thought, why did I have to be this way? :sad:
  15. Serene

    Serene Member

    If you are that depressed you have no motivation / drive to change anything about yourself or your life. You should find something you're good at, or try new things to find something you enjoy and maybe discover a talent for it... it might give you some motivation to, over time, improve more and more things. I know from my own experience how hard it is to get out of this vicious cycle when you feel you have nothing at all. There needs to be a spark of motivation, and you can find it if you want. :)
  16. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    Things are only gonna get worse for me, I just wish I could get rid of everything that's holding me back from suicide, fuck, I should just do it, I feel now that I was destined to do it in fact.
  17. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    have you seen a professional? May be it helps you. i don´t like them but you should try
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