I panic and don´t do anything. I have no more to muster, I am falling quickly now. Maby I have to fall. Maby I have to fucking hit the ground and hurt myself to wake up for once. I dont like to be this way but I see no way out. I try and I stutter, eyes going all over the place the brain trying to think up new ways to get me out of this but its useless, I always come up short and then the only option I can see shine like a neon sign tempting me. But that is also the way I am not allowed to take. I have some sick karma right now but I have to go with it for now I don´t intend to hurt my loved once by taking my life. I will stop myself if and when I can.