When I thought I was at my lowest then boom..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jde, Sep 26, 2012.

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  1. jde

    jde New Member

    I'm only on here because I have to get this off my chest... I cant go see a doctor or anything about it.. Because anything they say wont make it better or anything they prescribe wont take the pain away..
    I am very good at putting on a face.. so no one around me has a clue.. and if they do they dont know the extent of it.. please someone tell me something other then " it'll get better "
    I live with my best mate that has no clue what is going on in my life and i cant tell him as much as id love to he would be too judgemental as anyone would be..
    8 months ago i met the girl of my dreams.. i fell so incredibly hard and so did she.. in this time i had pushed everyone in my life away ( with out knowing it )
    we went away together and we had a great 6 months together.. i spoilt her n splashed alot of cash on her..
    one day she turns around and told me shes found someone else.. ouch yes it hurt abit but nothing that hasnt happened to joe blogs before.. So there i was.. came to the conclusion
    I just need to move on have a great time with my mates n family etc.. but it wasnt the same.. I had pushed them away so much during this relationship that they were reluctant to take me back..
    Oh well started working on getting those relationships back.. Then a little bit later get a call from the ex girlfriend that she is pregnant with my baby.. Absolute shock came over me didnt know
    how to react.. I had always not been for abortion, being in these shoes nothing has changed. I wanted to keep the baby, not because of the girl but because of life. Goes to show doesn't matter
    how you feel being the male its the girls decision totally.. When she called me she was crying already had the date she was going to have the abortion and everything.. I tried to convince otherwise but there
    was no convincing her.. I took her to the abortion clinic and forked out the coin for the abortion which was quite expensive. It took a total of 8 hours, on a day that I was suppose to be working.. hours before my shift
    i tried ringing my boss n texting saying i was going to be late etc.. ( I told my boss that I was at a funeral and was taking longer then expected , very apologetic ). The reply I got was a very abusive one
    and being in the state I was in I told my boss where to stick it. This didnt bother me because I had a trial at a new job the following day. Which today I found out I Didn't get after being called in and told I had the job.

    So here I am
    No Job
    No Mrs
    Alienated my friends and family
    In alot of debt.........

    This gulp in my throat isn't going..
    I know its pathetic but I cant feel much worse about myself
    The thought of suicide wont leave
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's not pathetic. :hug: You have a right to your pain. Is there any chance you can rebuild the relationships you had with your friends and family? I'm not saying it could happen overnight, or that it would completely make the pain go away. But it's a start at rebuilding your life.
     
  3. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    Yeah, WildCherry's right - you're not crazy to be feeling upset. That's a lot to go through. Just get it out and also work on getting your family & friends back in your life. Friends are really important...just for getting through life without going CRAZY. hahah.
     
  4. Sgm72

    Sgm72 Member

    You know what jde I had a very similar experience with a girl j was seeing for 4 months did the courting goi g out for drinks meals buying nice gifts when I really couldn't afford but I did without,she went in a girls day out in a local city in England and I was meeting up with her later on in our home town,which we did meet up after buying drinks all night she disappeared for ten minutes on the way to the toilets I saw her kissing with one of my mates this was only a few weeks ago what makes it worse is we all work together and to see her now playing all lovely lovely with her new fellow we'll it's still very raw inside and I guess I'm getting laughed at behind my back
     
  5. Senses

    Senses Member

    @jde - I echo @WildCherry; this is not pathetic. It simply is what you are experiencing. No need to diminish or attempt to dismiss the truth. What good does that do you?

    Though the relationship with your ex has shifted, it doesn't mean YOU still are not relevant. You are. You simply need to find out, figure out, recognize how you are. I prod you to do so in seeing how you are meaningful for yourself. This is no easy task, but relying on others to validate us can lead us down a path that doesn't hold balance.

    Attempting to rebuild those relationships that you have had in the past I know from first experience is a great challenge. I was in a relationship for nearly eleven years where I pushed away those who were before that one that I suddenly found myself so deeply "committed" to. It didn't help in the long run and I am still trying to build, re-build and simply discover what is for ME. Again; I understand that this is not an overnight or sudden thing; but there are those of us out here who DO understand. Who do know just how frightening it is.

    Please do reach out to those you feel able to in real time; and if a private message on this board feels comfortable for you; I would encourage it.

    That gulp in your throat isn't necessarily going, but it certainly doesn't have to stay. It's a matter of finding out how you can let go for YOU.

    TRULY the very best to you.

    With light.
     
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