When I thought,

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aimee_in_Wonderland, Oct 25, 2010.

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  1. Aimee_in_Wonderland

    Aimee_in_Wonderland Well-Known Member

    Things couldnt get any worse they did.
    i did something so stupid lastnight. with someone i barely even know.. infact i dont even know their name. im stupid. the whole situation was stupid and why did i drop my knickers for a complete stranger? because.. i wanted someone to care about me.. yeah.. he cared about me.. right up until the moment after.. when it was pretty much clear.. he has a girlfriend.. i was just easy...

    my own stupid fault i know that.. worse part is i have a boyfriend too.. so what was i thinking? alcohol isnt an excuse.. but i guess it helped.. it along a bit.. he went mad when i told him... better it come from me than someone else right? hes right im a *****.. only *****s would that.

    i seem to just be making things worse for myself... everything i do is always wrong.. why am i such a screw up.. why cant i make anyone happy?
    i really needed someone tonight... i know there is one person whos voice would make me stop.. i tried calling but no answer they are busy.. i understand and its selfish of me to even attempt to call them more than twice.. i really hope this person doesnt blame theirself for this, its really not their fault...

    This person is amazing, i really wish they could see exactly what i see when i talk to them they have done nothing but offer me support and care when no-one else could be botherd too.. i know this is going to hurt him.. and im sorry.. i wish i could tell you it was all different.. and i didnt come on here anymore because i was happy... maybe i should have done that.. but a lier i am not.. i can fake a smile i can use make-up to cover up bruises and selfharm... but i cant lie.

    I really cant take anymore.. and i know i should really stop drinking. but this is the only way i can do this.. im home alone and no-one will be back until the morning.. pleanty of time.. i need to do this i need the suffering and the pain to end.. i dont want to wake-up in the morning and feel a heavy heart... i dont want to have these same feelings and thoughts rumbling through my head...

    this could have been over 5 years ago.. when i was stood on those tracks infront of that train.. my uncle forced me there.. i couldnt take anymore then
    i hate him for pushing me out of the way... he lost his life.. but i have to live with his mistake.. he doesnt live with those feelings everyday.. no more..

    doctors dont want to help me.. im not a high risk..
    then someone care to tell me what high risk is? i want to die.
    i dont want to be saved anymore..
    i dont want to be talked around.
    i want to be let go.. for me to slip away...
    im selfish.. i know.. im a bitch when i know people are so much worse off.. and would give anything to have the things i do..

    i just cant take anymore pain... im not going to cry these tears anymore.

    i love the people who have offerd me their hand when i fell.. who have stayed up talking to me because i needed someone..
    im sorry i couldnt help anyone in return...
    i love you all...
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    everyone makes mistakes. you were just trying to be loved.

    "you shut your mouth
    how can you say
    I go about things the wrong way
    I am human and I need to be loved
    just like everybody else does"

    who is this person whose voice would stop you?
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    First of all you are not stupid. You are a normal human being that strives for the very things in this life that makes it all worth it and that is love, hope, and understanding. Your actions do not make you who you are, and if you truly want to change make a choice right now to do it and never look back. Give up this life you once new and do some souls searching! If what you believe now isn't working for you maybe it is because it is not right for you. I used to be a satanic witch and I was miserable, and treated everyone accordingly. Then when I tried to kill myself, someone [devine intervention] did reach out to me and I was saved. He let me know that it wasn't too late for me and it isn't too late for you. Everything you want can and will be yours. You may or may not agree to where I was lead, but it is worth looking into before you completely give up. I hope you know you are important in this life and you can and will find love. Don't give up! You are worth a fighting chance. Blessings..
  4. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    I want you to know that even if I do not know you, I respect you.

    I respect you even after what you have done. I do not think any less of you and I certainly do not look down on you.

    I know it's hard to respect yourself after what you went through. But you must be strong. And by strong I mean, you must not degraded your own self image in your own mind.

    To me you are not a bad person. You are just a person who has been abused by others. Don't cry. I will hug you if I can. To me, you are still a wonderful human being. I believe in you, even if no one else does, even if you do not believe in yourself.

    Steven Siew
  5. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Honey, the alcohol is tearing you down. Making you do and see things that are not you.

    I hope you feel better today and know that we all do make mistakes its what we learn from them that makes a differance.

    Hugs to you.
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