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when i was 17

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by dreamer1, Mar 10, 2012.

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  1. dreamer1

    dreamer1 Member

    i first attempted suicide when i was 17. i took a bottle of <edit total eclipse method>. it was nightmarish, and i ended up getting very sick. i vomited and i think that's what prevented me from dying. in fact i'm sure that's what did it, because if i hadn't i would have probably died a slow miserable death from liver failure due to the acetaminophen poisoning. as it was i did have liver damage from this and was sick and in pain for about two weeks, maybe a month afterward.
    looking back now, the hardest thing is that i realize i basically threw my life away then. i was ready to die. i said my goodbyes to my life. it broke my heart. since then things have gotten harder. i don't feel like i'm all here in spirit. i think an important piece of myself did go away that day. i don't think i will ever find peace until i die, and maybe not even then. i feel sad pretty much all the time.
    since my first attempt i have had two other attempts and have been hospitalized three times.
    i have come to realize that if i truly want to kill myself i can do it. i have developed a lethal plan and i know that if i do it i will die. i am not sure if i will go out of my life that way. sometimes it feels like i'm in a nightmare. i just wish i could feel better. i wish it didn't have to be so painful and dark and empty and cold. i don't understand why it is this way for me. it doesn't stop, it doesn't get better, and honestly there's a big part of me that really wishes i would have succeeded the very first time i tried to end my life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 12, 2012
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hi dreamer. I want to tell you that I am glad that you survived all your attempts at death. I can relate to how you feel about having a part missing. I felt that a way most my life. I didn't know my biological dad, and I didn't know anything about life. But there is hope friend. I found it. Honest, pure, and true hope. I found it, and I am never letting go. Some people claim I have found a blind hope, but there is no blindness when you are thoroughly taught and enlightened on what that hope is and what it means to you and the world. Soul searching would do everyone a world of good. It has for me, and I am a better person inside out because of it.
    I am not special or gifted in anything. I am just like you and everyone else on this planet. If I can find true blue hope so can you. ((hug)) take it one day at a time friend.
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