i first attempted suicide when i was 17. i took a bottle of <edit total eclipse method>. it was nightmarish, and i ended up getting very sick. i vomited and i think that's what prevented me from dying. in fact i'm sure that's what did it, because if i hadn't i would have probably died a slow miserable death from liver failure due to the acetaminophen poisoning. as it was i did have liver damage from this and was sick and in pain for about two weeks, maybe a month afterward. looking back now, the hardest thing is that i realize i basically threw my life away then. i was ready to die. i said my goodbyes to my life. it broke my heart. since then things have gotten harder. i don't feel like i'm all here in spirit. i think an important piece of myself did go away that day. i don't think i will ever find peace until i die, and maybe not even then. i feel sad pretty much all the time. since my first attempt i have had two other attempts and have been hospitalized three times. i have come to realize that if i truly want to kill myself i can do it. i have developed a lethal plan and i know that if i do it i will die. i am not sure if i will go out of my life that way. sometimes it feels like i'm in a nightmare. i just wish i could feel better. i wish it didn't have to be so painful and dark and empty and cold. i don't understand why it is this way for me. it doesn't stop, it doesn't get better, and honestly there's a big part of me that really wishes i would have succeeded the very first time i tried to end my life.