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When I was younger, so much younger than today....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Nov 17, 2010.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I am feeling...

    I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist on Monday. I don't know what to say to him. I hope it's a bloke anyway. I am weird like that. It is assumed as I am female I would prefer to see a female nurse/docto/counsellor etc. I am not like that though. I know I have issues with trust and for some reason I find my self being able to be more open with a male. So, this appointment. I feel nervous about it. How honest should I be. I am scared that if I am too honest I will get packed off to hospital. But then don't they say crazy people don't know they are crazy? How do I explain to him the auditory hallucinations, the "smell". When I am bad there is always this smell that is there.
    The auditory hallucinations are the same thing of someone shouting my name. I know there is no one doing it but it scares me all the same. Do I tell him that I am feeling suicical. That although I haven't set a date or anything I find myself making plans. Thinking about ways so that it wont look like a suicide. At the moment my thing is to fall infront of a car. I know I should be thinking about the person driving and what it will do to them. But there is part of me that is being really selfish. My other thing is if I do have to have an operation to get this needle out my arm lie that I haven't eaten or drunk anything and hope for some reaction with the anesthetic.

    I've been having these weird de ja vu things recently. Well I have had them in the past but they are happening more and more. Basically what it is I will dream something and then weeks later I will be in that situation. It's nothing major like an event but just a situation like who I am with, the place that I am even if I have never been there before. It's really quite weird. It doesn't bother me as it is not as though I am dreaming about something happening and then it happens it is more of being somewhere. Maybe I can dream about what the lottery numbers will be. I say that, that means I want to win the lottery. Does that mean I can see a way outside of the depression. I don't know. If everything was fine then I wouldn't be feeling like this would I?

    My feelings at the moment can be summed up by a couple of lines from different songs...
    "I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had".
    "I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either".

    My thoughts are just racing and racing tonight which is why I thought I would get some stuff written down to see if it would help calm me down. It hasn't. I get it sometimes where things go through my head at a million miles an hour, i can't concentrate on anything and can't relax. I feel as though all my senses are on overdrive and are super alert to everything going on around me. Everything just seems as though it's really sped up. Does anyone else get what I mean, is it normal as part of depression?

    This isn't really working for me!
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i get racing thoughts mixed in with depression. in bipolar it's called hypomania. psychosis can also be part of people's experinence of bipolar. have you elminated that from your diagnosis?

    as for the psych, be as honest as you can. maybe take a list of the main points with you, the most important things you would like to have addressed. like the suicidal thoughts, the self harm, then the auditory hallucinations. that way you won't forget anything.

    i don't think you'll be sent to the hospital. they hate to do that. only if you are in imminent danger. i think your more in the planning, thinking it out stage of things. here in canada they ask if you have a date and time set, means at hand, that kind of thing to determine how much of a threat to yourself you are.

    let me know how it goes?
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    To be honest they already have a diagnosis. I don't agree with it and feel that they said was a PD just to get a diagnosis down on paper as a last ditch attempt. I know I haven't got PD as don't meet enough of the criteria. But who is going to listen to me!
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    well doctors can get it wrong. i know you disagree with your diagnosis. stick to your guns. see if they will consider other options. you deserve to be listened to, and to get a second or even third opinion. not everyone who self harms has a PD, they should know that. it's just the easiest explanation. thinking of you.
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    You've got the Beatles in my head now!

    not really sure what to say but I hope things work out.

    maybe you will find paying attention to your dreams helpful
  6. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I think it sounds like you're on the Bi Polar Disorder spectrum too. What meds are you on as they may be making it worse.
    Yes, you should be totally honest with the psych, not much point in going otherwise. I hate that whole 'mind racing' bit and lock myself away when it happens. Can't be near other people I feel so sensitive to every sound etc. I always want to crawl under the bed but we've got too much stuff stored under there, lol. So I hide under the quilt instead.
    Hope you get a decent psych. x
  7. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    one time a driver tried to run me over at night and i was so drunk. i Just went straight to the car showing him i wasn't afraid of death. he drove away. my advice, don't do it.

    anyways, go to the doctor and if she tries to suggest you are crazy or something, tell her about how you can dream of something and it happens in real life and ask her if thats also considered 'crazy'.
  8. jimmy88

    jimmy88 Well-Known Member

    Points for referencing song lyrics from Donnie Darko!
  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I am on Mirtazapine 30mg. I have been on these this time since February and have had them for the last couple of years on and off now.

    The title of this was obs in reference to a Beatles song. Help. The song, although doesn't really apply about being much younger to me as I am only 26 does apply in the fact that I realise I can't do it on my own.

    The dreaming thing...I don't realise until the day that I have dreamt about it. So it's not as though I have a dream and remember it. It's more it happens then I'm like oooo I dreamt I was in this room with these people even though at the time I hadn't even met the people. Weird...or delusional?

    It's been a horrible day today, the racing thoughts thing is not going, I can't concentrate on one thing long enough to get things done and people at uni were noticing. Was quite embarrassing. I may have to take a lorazepam later. I only have one left though and don't think the doc will repeat the prescription of them considering I have been self harming a LOT recently.

    I'm nervous about Monday. I don't want to write things down that I want to discuss. It looks like I have planned things and worry that if I do that he will think she's obvisouly going after such and such diagnosis.

    A few of you have mentioned bi-polar... do you think it could be this or are these symptoms there in other things also. Also, if I was manic or hypomanic would I be aware of it. I have heard the saying that crazy people don't know they're crazy. Does this apply?
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Okay, firstly the whole weird dream/deja vu stuff, as well as the hallucinations and 'smell' etc could all be a side effect of the mirtazapine. They're all listed as 'rare' side effects but I wouldn't trust a drug company to know what counts as 'rare'.
    You definitely need to get that one sorted with your doctor. Your meds could be making you far worse than you are.
    Bi Polar Disorder comes in different types and you'd need to look into it to see if you fit on the spectrum. Some people get more mania than depression, some people get more depression than mania.
    You don't always notice that you've slipped into one or the other until it's too late. I use the 'racing thought's' as a sign that I'm going manic. I also sleep far less and have a lot of trouble getting to sleep. I'm like a different personality, far more extrovert and outgoing, I sing a lot and laugh a lot. I also get very confused and can't concentrate on anything. If it goes to far then I get almost hysterical over nothing.
    Then I'll slump into depression and the depth of the depression corresponds with how high I went whilst manic.
    Talk to the psychologist about all of it, ask what the differences are between your diagnosis and BPD, see if they've actually come up with the right diagnosis.
    Also go back to your GP and get off those tablets. Tell him about the side effects you're getting. Stay strong! x
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    before i was diagnosed as bipolar i was on mirtazapine. i felt like i was jumping out of my skin. itchy and jumpy and very irritable. i wanted to flee all the time. flee the country, flee work, flee my family. i needed an escape. that's how it made me feel.

    it can take a while to get the right diagnosis. sometimes it's trial and error. doctors are not infallible not that i'm telling you something you don't already know. it's a learning process for them and for you. the more info you can honestly share the better able they are to diagnose you. they can eliminate some things and focus on others.

    because i self harm they initially wondered if i had borderline personality disorder. turns out to be the wrong diagnosis. once they went through a thorough history of my symptoms and moods they suggested bipolar. i went on meds for bipolar and my mood stabilized quite a bit. i still have my ups and downs (more downs) but i am much better than i was pre diagnosis.

    be as honest as you can. a list won't make them think you have a plan. tell them to start that you don't want to be hospitalized and see what he says. then take it from there. i hope he will reassure you that that option is off the table.
  12. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I have been on them a while and these dreams have been happening since I was about 13. It has got more frequent over the past few months though. The smell thing also occured before I went on Mirtazapine. I went back on them in the Feb as I was concerned about getting depressed again as to put it bluntly the shit hit the fan. But I have not really noticed a change this time. It took a few different pills to find one that worked. I was on Fluoxetine, Citalapram, Sertraline, Venaflaxine and now this one. And all different doses of those previous ones. When I was given these ones a couple of years back I found that they did really help and then I stopped taking them as were making me put on weight. I felt that as my weight was one of the issues that was making me feel down then I would take my chances without them. It was a mistake coming off them the first time but I couldn't go on putting more weight on.

    It's a psychiatrist I am seeing on Monday so he will be able to sort out the meds with me. Although, I am going to GP tomorrow (if I can get an appointment) to sort out my arm and get x-ray arranged so can get the needle out. I've got quite a lump there now.

    I know that you can combine different anti-depressents...is anyone else on two different ones and if so what? I am really scared to come off these just incase they are actually working and without them I'll be worse. It's not something I want to risk at the moment.
  13. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    If you don't think the mirtazapine is making a difference then you may need to up the dosage. That's if you still want to take it
    I've been on all those meds too. At the moment I'm on Venaflaxine (second attempt but according to my psychiatrist they've now discoved that it works better if you gradually go up to the top dose) Quetiapine and Beta Blockers. Last week I was also on diazepane or whatever the proper name for valium is.
    Quetiapine (which I may be spelling incorrectly) is an anti psychotic and there to help me sleep. The BB's are for panic attacks and the valium was to stop me committing suicide.
    Occassionally my GP also gives me phenergan which are marketed as travel sickness tablets but are also a sedative. You can buy them over the counter but you have to ask and then you get interrogated by the chemist.
    Good luck at the psych xxx
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