When is enough enough?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by s0cc3rf0r1if3, Mar 12, 2015.

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  1. s0cc3rf0r1if3

    s0cc3rf0r1if3 New Member

    Hello, this is my first post to this forum in search of some advice. If you don't want to read through my explanation, the core question I'm asking is, at what point do you decide that you are done struggling through life and living in anguish, and end it? So I am currently a college student. I have a loving and supportive family and am doing well academically. However, my loneliness, shyness, awkwardness, and social anxiety have caused me to become depressed and now for the past few months, suicidal. For most of my life I was sort of a nerd. While I was involved with sports and met many people through them, all of my other time was spent doing school work or playing video games. This is why I believe I have such poor social skills, but because this continued for so long, this struggle to socialize has become a part of me. For the past few years I have really tried to change this, and while I have improved, it is still bad. I've always had many acquaintances and people like me because I'm a kind and generous person. But I've only had a few close friends. After going away to college, I've lost those friends and have been left by myself.

    I am a guy, and because I am so nice but so self conscious, shy, awkward, and unable to "be a man" and take charge, girls do not want to be with me. I'm not attractive, but I'm not hideous. There have been only a couple of girls who have shown interest in me, and my inability to be confident, my overthinking leading to inaction, and my lack of sexual competence has always turned them away. Just recently I met the girl of my dreams, I could not imagine anyone who is more perfect to me and I never imagined I could feel this way about anyone. She had me convinced that we were going to end up together for a long time and that I had nothing to worry about. I was in disbelief because not only is this my dream girl who is way out of my league, but she genuinely seems like she wants to be with me. For the first time in my life I was happy. After her ex boyfriend and first love dumped his girlfriend to go back to her, she changed her mind about me and is now in love with him again, and I am nothing but a friend. This was the only legitimate chance that I've had to be with someone, and it was with someone so unthinkably perfect to me, I'd never even imagine that a girl like that could be interested in me. Regardless of what anyone says, I will never get the chance to be with someone like that again. If I wasn't such a pussy then maybe I could have won her over.

    I am constantly "friendzoned" because no girl wants to be with a guy who has more feminine qualities than masculine. I work out and have muscles but I am so incapable of taking charge and being a man because I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to get a girl to like me, I don't know how to please a girl, and because I've never had sex while everyone else my age has had sex hundreds of times, I know that anyone I get with is going to be disappointed. And girls want a guy who is going to sexually dominate them more or less, no girl wants to be with a guy who doesn't know what he's doing.

    I have never been in a relationship. I have never been intimate with anyone. I have never had sex and have only kissed a few people. Being a guy in college at my age, that is pathetic. Getting girls in a college town should be easy, everyone gets drunk and goes to clubs and dances and then you find someone to take home with you. The problem for me is, I hate dancing, and because of my social anxiety and shyness, it's nearly impossible for me to try to flirt with a random girl. And even if I were to try, it would be painfully awkward and I wouldn't be able to hold a conversation. By the time I am drunk and loose enough to talk to girls, I'm at the point where I'm sloppy and making a fool of myself. And even if I were to flirt with a girl, I would be unable to "seal the deal" if you know what I mean. I am so insecure and apprehensive, and am just not a smooth talker.

    This has been something that I've been dealing with my entire life and have been trying to change. But as I get older, it becomes more and more of a problem. Because as a kid, it's okay, thinking you'll learn or grow out of it. But now that I have been in college, it's just not acceptable. All of my friends and everyone I know has no problems like this. They all have been in multiple relationships and hook up with people on a regular basis. I don't fit it, and it's to the point where people, even girls, who know me, treat me as a child. Someone who they have no intention of doing anything sexually with and feel the need to support and baby. A guy should not be "innocent".

    And basically because of all this, I am miserable. I was not happy in my younger years, but since getting to college and moving away from my close friends, I am more alone than ever. My mind is constantly thinking negative thoughts and over thinking everything. It's been 4 months since the situation with the girl of my dreams, and it is still all I think about every single day. While I may have many acquaintances, I really don't have any friends. People will love me when they see me, but no one actually goes out of their way to invite me somewhere or to hangout with me. When they do, it's just an old friend that feels either obligated to do so to try to lift my mood, or just because I am with someone else who is being invited. I have been living like this for far too long. While it's something that's affected me my entire life, the past 2 years of college have made it much worse. I have been waiting, thinking that I'll be able to change it, but it just doesn't happen. I am so sick of being miserable every single day, unable to be like everyone else. Any smile or happiness I have is forced. I have thought about killing myself for a long time, simply because I am tired of struggling and living in pain. People say that it will get better eventually, it's been a long time and nothing has changed.

    It's to the point where my doctor is going to begin prescribing me an antidepressant. This may help, but what if it doesn't? Or what if it does, but then I am hooked on antidepressants for the rest of my life. And the problem is, the antidepressant that my doctor is prescribing me is called Welbutrin. While it may be dangerous / counterproductive to drink alcohol on any kind of antidepressant, everyone says that drinking on Welbutrin causes blackouts with erratic behavior and hangovers that last for multiple days with extreme feelings of depression. But the thing is, being in college, drinking is a social thing. When people hang out, it's at parties, clubs, or bars, where you drink. And because of my social anxiety and shyness, drinking is the only way for me to enjoy myself in these situations. So once I begin taking this medication, I won't be able to drink. I won't be able to go out and have a good time (no matter what you say I really won't be able to), so then I will be stuck in my apartment while everyone else is having fun. So the medication may begin to help my depression, but not going out means not meeting/hooking up with other people, which ultimately is not helping the situation either.

    I think about killing myself everyday. It seems so much easier to end the pain and the struggle. I shouldn't have a pit in my stomach all day long, stay awake all night with never ending over thinking and negative thoughts, and cry myself to sleep because of my inability to be a normal college kid. How long do you wait before deciding enough is enough? Killing yourself is not a good thing, no one wants to die. But when the idea of death seems so much more peaceful than the idea of living, it starts to seem like a great idea.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum. You have to remain strong as you are young. You need to speak to a counsellor about your feeling and they will be understanding. I understand the social anxieties you suffer is not nice but I think it's a matter of self-confidence. You need worry about that but perhaps find some courses or see a therapist who can help you gaining this self-confidence.

    It's ok to cry as it releases the pressure and pain you feel. Trying to be apart of a college crowd is hard but like I say define normal. Please be kind to yourself and do not worry. You will find love but it takes time.

    Be strong and let's us help you by you continuing to post here and us to support in life. Be safe please.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2015
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You should read your own post back to yourself. Every issue you listed is a "what if" issue- it is all simply fear and anxiety about what if which makes you decide that you would rather not try or do than put in the effort of doing. What if medication does not help, what if i do not find a girl- etc.. That combined with you deciding what all girls want- "and girls want a guy who is going to sexually dominate them more or less" - no , that is your fantasy, not all women's fantasy. If you decide what all women like and then decide you do not possess any of those qualities then it will certainly be difficult for you.

    Instead, try letting the women decide if they like you and how, instead of being upset about being "friendzoned" be happy that you are learning the skills to maintain a relationship instead of a one night stand (presuming you do not blow them off after they friendzone you) because that will get you a lot more out of life in the long run when you meet a woman you want to have a relationship with instead of one you lust over and primary interest is that you want to have sex with. While it is true the uber confident guys do better at the one night stands, they do not better and often fail miserably at relationships. In general women are very perceptive of guys that want nothing but sex and I have yet to have heard a happily married person saying they wish their spouse had had sex with a lot more partners. If you do hear it, then it is being used as an explanation for a cheating spouse that had no control type of excuse. .

    So far as the drinking being a requirement- I might point out that few women find a drunk guy thinking only about getting laid overly attractive- so you may want to rethink your beliefs about what works with women- and based on the fact it has not worked for you yet, perhaps giving a different approach a chance is a good idea? Perhaps not drunk, and and also not severely depressed and hating yourself and your life while hoping some hot woman finds the same incredibly attractive would be a better approach. Give the meds a chance to improve your mood and outlook on life, and whether it is for a year or two or 50 years, I hardly believe being "dependent" on medication is any worse than being dependent on alcohol to achieve social happiness.
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