when is enough, enough

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by na-taya, Oct 12, 2015.

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  1. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I don't know what else to say apart from when is enough, enough....


    When will other understand that sometimes life my not be.the best option for some people, I don't understand why others want you to stay and suffer just for them....


    They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but it's not temporary at all its long lasting, don't get me wrong I have had better times in my life but it still never leaves....


    I am just so tied of living this way I just want it to end I try and stay strong and be positive towards myself but it takes so much energy and I don't have enough left....


    I just don't know what I can do anymore I am loosing the fight
     
  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    na-taya, what has happened to bring you to this point? Have you seen a doctor, or counsellor? Tried any meds? Tried to find something, even just one thing, that you really like and spent some time doing? Please feel free to share more about your situation. You are among friends.
     
  3. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your time sillyoldbear it's more than i deserve.


    I've dealt with mental illness since high school it's been a huge battle, I know I'm not that old and people have continued to suffer longer than me I just don't understand were they get.the strength from at all.


    I've done therapy since I was 13 been on med's since about the same age, not the same ones it changed over the years depending on my symptoms and stress. I am currently under my local mental health team plus also a therapist and group sessions for Dbt course I am doing. But I can not trust any of them last time I spoke about my thoughts and plans they placed me on forms and ended up on the locked ward of mental health then eventually over to the open ward for a week. So trust is completely gone with everyone.


    The only thing I enjoy anymore is cuddling my cats but even that effect is starting to diminish....


    I just want out, but all I've been taught to do is reach out when I feel this way but I just can't do it with my team..


    I no longer know how to help myself get out of this mess I use to as I've been here before but this time I'm not even sure if I want out, it's just a cycle that keeps coming back around even.though it never fully leaves sometimes it's just not as strong.



    Gee I'm so sorry to put this all on the people here I'm just desperate
     
  4. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Don't worry at all abut putting people on site through your story. It is what we are here for. You see, we have been through it too. Just take time to get familiar with the rules so you know what can and can't be posted. You can discuss your problems freely without fear of rejection or ridicule. And we don't know who you are, so no worry about winding up in a hospital. Just no discussions of methods.

    I understand how your trip to the hospital shattered your trust. I am sure they were doing what they thought was best. It just didn't work out that way.

    I have been fighting depression and and anxiety since high school too. I never discussed it with my parents. I am 63 now. I find that it comes and goes. But I do think of suicide most everyday. What has held me back are things like the belief that it a morally wrong act to take, that it is totally unnatural. I think about family have to clean up the mess I leave behind. I think about no longer being able to hug my teddy bears or what would happen to them if I died. They are like you cats. I love them so. And I guess I am just stubborn and refuse to let this ugly old world beat me.

    Can you request a new team. Or, at least, share with this how you felt about being hospitalized? And hard as it may be, sometimes just getting up and doing something you like to do, or used to like to do can really help. There is an incredible book called "Dewey the Library Cat" you might want to read. It is the story of a stray cat adopted by a library. Talks about all his antics. It could bring a smile to your face. Maybe you could find other things cat related to do.

    We are really glad you are here and hope you still with us and gain some measure of peace.
     
  5. Zname

    Zname Member

    Na taya please use this forum for trustable outlet. I think in a bad time people need someone to release into. I have no idea what your pain is like but I do know that its helps when someone is listening . Its hard to see it, it was for me but phases in life come to pass like the rainstorms that come and go although it feels like an eternity if you are drenched and cold.
     
  6. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Sillyoldbear I admire your strength being able to deal with it for so long and no cave.in to your.thoughts and feelings....I really don't think I have that much left in me, I am struggling day by day and.each day to me is a closer to death and.breaking point.


    As for talking about hospital, they just tell me it was the best decision at the time and they won't hesitate to do it again, so even if I change my team they will still have all my notes and there is only one psychiatrist at the clinic so that wouldn't change at all..


    I will look at that book once I'm able to focus on books again I've lost my long term concentration at the moment always happens when I'm this way.


    Thanks so much for your time guys it's Way more than i deserve right now so I appreciate it emensely!!


    I'm just so tied no matter how much I sleep I never get rest my sleeps filled with horrible nightmares....so either I'm awake in he'll or asleep in he'll no relief at all. I can't even cry about it anymore no matter how much I feel I need to.


    Thanks again so much for your time!!
     
  7. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member


    na-taya, I am sorry that you are hurting so bad, I know and understand what you are going through, I am there as well, it is a cycle,
    it is like a Merry-Go--Round that never stops it just keeps playing the same tune over and over again, I go to bed at night an I wake in the morning, I can not hear it but I know it's there, I am not going to say much but I know one day that tune will stop playing, it does for everyone, I try during my time to talk with others an to make them aware we can do something even if it is only small things to take out mind off of it, it was interesting that NOT So Silly mentioned Dewy, I read that book a long time agoI believe dewey was still alive when I read it or had just passed on because there is a second Book out as well, I have used that book to help others, it helped me a long time ago, so much that I have bought several, well over a hundred copies to give out to hospitals, animal shelters, and vets offices to give or for them to use as a fund raising or as prizes, I am a cat lover as I am sure a few people on here will attest, I am not a fanatic as some may think, I just have a love for cats as well as respect for their nature, to bring warmth and love to people who have hardened their hearts toward others for more reasons then I can count. I see that you have a love for cats too, I really recommend you read Dewey, it is a sad story at the end but the feelings that little creature instilled in literately hundreds of thousands of people, it can't hurt, He inspired me to keep on living not so much for myself but for other amazing little creatures like Dewey! It might trigger some people, It is emotional as more then a few stories can be, but it can bring you to a positive place for a while and could possibly help! Please keep safe an stay with us, We need more people like you!
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am always around if you need a chat, vent , rant or just need someone to listen. Your life is important, big hugs to you ((hugs))
     
  9. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Your right I do love my cats! I have 4 of them!! A lot I know I would only have.2 if I did it again but.can not get rid of any of them now.


    How did you finally know the cycle was broken?? If this is all my life is going to be like, I don't see why people should judge me if I want to leave...


    Don't get me wrong I have.had good times in amongst all this darkness but I just can't see myself living to be old for me it's just to hard I know that seems so weak of me like I just give up but I'm put so much energy to getting better. I don't have energy to keep fighting, I'm trying and trying my hardest but I'm almost at breaking point:(:(:(:(
     
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