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when is it finally time?

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Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#1
it's so quiet right now - everyone still asleep, cats resting, no tv, no noise from the AC - just traffic when cars go by

so alone - that's what it will always be - even if i'm surrounded by people

i try, not sure why any more

i don't do grocery shopping - last night people wanted dinner, so i hunted through what was left and came up with ziti and spaghetti sauce

everyone ate except my wife - she was angry and yelling at me because there was no protein and that i should know she can't have an all-carbs meal and that she would be better off not eating - few minutes later she got in the car and went out to get herself some food

this is what i look forward to on a daily basis - on one hand it makes me angry but the larger part of me says it's what i deserve

i want to get into my car and drive east until i can't drive any more then keep going until the land runs out - then keep going until my strength runs out

not my usual choice of method - does that mean i'm growing as a human being? (ha ha)

trying to hold on for so long - one daughter graduates college this year, other a year and a half later - trying to keep it together until they are out of school but not sure i'll be able to

always in pain, should be used to it by now, but nights like the last always twist the knife a little more - when will it be okay to let go? how much longer do i have to try to not die?
 
#2
I'm sorry you have to go through all these. As long as you're alive, you just have to treasure what's good about living. You have your family who loves and cares for you. You must keep living for them.
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#3
nothing to treasure

kids ignore me unless they need money or something fixed

i'm on the bottom of everyone's list of concerns

to be fair, that includes my own list

tired of being a doormat but i can't be anything else
 
#4
So alone - even surrounded by people. I completely understand this, and I am also sorry you are feeling this way.

Forgive me if I overstep or say anything inappropriate, firstly.

But the treatment by your wife is not acceptable, not at all. If we try to do something nice (cooking) and its thrown back in our faces, thats not very respectful at all. Why would she treat you this way? Its NOT you, before you say that and none of us deserve any such treatment. What is HER problem?

As for your children, kids are kids. Ya know? Its just the way they are - they'll mature as they get older and realize that family is important afterall.

About your feeling of being a doormat, you can change that, its difficult to do but it is possible. I know myself that sometimes I will allow myself to be said doormat to avoid confrontations and other stuff, its just easier. Is it right of me to do this? Not really, it doesn't help me in the long term. But in the short term - yeah - makes life just easier.

Please take care.
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#5
dinner up to me again - just going to get pizza - don't want to cook any more

don't want to do anything any more

sitting doing laundry for the last 2 hours - 4 more to go - if i odn't do it noone else will

i try to do what has to be done but no one cares - i'm only noticed when things go wrong - otherwise i'm invisible
 

IV2010

Well-Known Member
#7
hey echo..agree with WC
don't have any advice on ''doormat'' thing because i'm trying to work on that one myself
just wanted you to know I care
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#8
Can't sleep again - was down for maybe 2 hours - on train to work - another hour and a half at least - don't fit at work, don't fit at home

Can't see a future with me in it
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#9
There's a difference between being left alone and being alone

Walking down the street to get lunch and the feeling of being alone was suddenly so painful i nearly stumbled into the street - like someone was trying to cut my heart out of chest with a spoon

I...exist

And I think the universe finds my existence offensive

Sorry this isn't making sense - can't think too clearly right now
 
#10
I'm not saying you're not trying, but what I think could help you would be to spice things up with you family. Work harder to do something nice and maybe they'll notice and give you a little more respect. Make a push. I'm sure your kids love you too. It's only a phase.
 

Nick_K

Well-Known Member
#14
I posted a similar thread a couple weeks ago. Still here because I never seem to have means and the will to go through with it at the same time.

I wish there were some set of conditions to satisfy that basically discharge one's obligations to society, family, etc so one can go in peace, maybe even go to a hospital and have a doctor do it so there's less pain and no horrible mistakes, no mess, no family members or neighbors to find the body, but even the couple of euthanasia clinics in Europe will only take you if you're terminally ill aside from depression. Either depression isn't terminal or it doesn't count as a real disease.

I wish I could go to donate blood and simply donate all of it. It's a double bind if you ask me. The same society that asks everything of you calls you selfish and cowardly if you really want to give everything up.
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#15
truly coming apart at the seems

crying suddenly, disconnected

maybe one person understands or has a clue but they are so far away

just caught myself muttering "let me die" over and over at my desk

final stages of testing the results of my project and it's all going wrong - everything i touch goes wrong

realize i've been going to and from work with my headphones in for days without actually listening to anything

so tired - can barely see - couldn't clear my eyes driving to the train and now they don't want to focus

can't focus my thoughts - bouncing all over

i know i'm supposed to stay - those are the rules, right - but i'm such a loser and it hurts so fucking much - trying not to carry my kit, but i don't really need it - nothing in it i can't pick up again at any of the drugstores that i have to walk past every day - one little tube and some privacy

i want to die - i need to die - can't get these thoughts out of my head, images of my body, quiet and still - at peace

i want to be at peace - what the fuck is wrong with that?
 

IV2010

Well-Known Member
#17
echo i can hear you're in a lot of pain
i don't know if we will be at peace if we die...do we (in the afterlife if there is one ) have to watch our families suffering with their grief and pain into eternity?!
this worries me
I'm not religious but spiritual.

I would bet you aren't a burden to your family while ever you're alive
the biggest burden is the grief they carry after you go

please seek some professional help because you don't deserve to live with such pain
there are other choices out there besides suicide
when we're really depressed we just can't see them as options
*hug*
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#18
daughter asked last night if we could set aside an extra $1,000 for her for school in case her job falls through

had no raise in last two years, stocks gone for school, got hit one year with 2000 worthless options because of the economy, wife currently out of work, and had to lay out extra money for her up front because she is renting a place instead of staying on campus - told her no

she then goes no to tell me that we're not managing our money right and everything i'm doing wrong

i already know i'm doing it all wrong, that i'm failing to provide properly but she wouldn't let it go and it just kept hammering home how much of a failure i am - had to walk out of the room and had a breakdown

hard enough trying to live with being a failure without having your own children throw it in your face

couldn't show my face for the rest of the evening - no one came to see how i was or if i was coming back into the room - out of sight out of mind

it's tearing me apart a piece at a time - want to die just to stop this constant, relentless pain
 
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Speedy

Staff Alumni
#19
I admit that I've treated my dad rudely at times (like a doormat and failure - both words you used) in the past. Heck, on my bad days I still do (moody days); I wish it weren't that way, of course. Maybe your daughter will realize that someday, maybe not. I look back and know that I have regrets. My dad and mom have their faults, just like me and us and all people, but every year I appreciate them more and realize how savvy about daily life they are. Even with a generation gap and vastly differing views on certain things.

Regardless, your daughter and wife seem to not be treating you with the respect you deserve and are just using you like you're their servant and you owe them something. You are trying, and they ought to acknowledge that at the very least. Do they ever tell you "thank you" or give you a reassuring hug? Nothing you have posted seems to suggest that they are being kind or supportive to you. I know your feeling of walking on the street and feeling alone in a large world since everyone on the street minds their own business and doesn't stop by and acknowledge you (it's even worse in busier cities).

If only they, everyone, could know what you're going through.. :hugtackles:
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#20
i get hello and goodbye hugs when they leave and come back from college

that's about it

30th anniversary this month, wife didn't get me a card or even say anything
 
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