When is it ok to let go?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FellOutOfBed, Jan 6, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. FellOutOfBed

    FellOutOfBed Member

    It's my choice, no one else has that right. Suicide is the one thing I have control over . *When is it ok to just let someone go?*

    I don't believe in God. The it's a sin factor doesn't work. I have no family alive and I have no friends. So the "think about the people you are leaving behind" scenario doesn't fly either.

    *I had a cat but I had to give her away, she got sick, I'm homeless *and I couldn't afford to care for her any longer. So no one and nothing depends on me for survival now.*

    You know sometimes things don't get better. Sometimes they get worse. *I've tried to kill myself 6 times. The first time was when I was 15.

    *I can say honestly that the first time I didn't really want to die, I wanted my family to care. I came out as a lesbian to my family when I was 14 and they threw me out. I went from naive and innocent to thief and ***** overnight. I became a call girl, earned a lot of money, tried to still go to school and lost my innocence in a very short time. I wanted to go home so I took a whole lot of pills, went to my family's house and told them what I did. That time was the only time I ever warned anyone.

    On two occasions I didn't take enough or I took the wrong drugs and woke up, sick as a dog, wondering why the hell am I still here. *

    And f -all if someone didn't freaking find me before I could die. Shallow breathing or the fact that I passed out in the middle of the room told them there was a problem and instantly ambulances were called on all 3 occasions. I died for 3 minutes with the med and you know what I saw, *NOTHING! There is nothing after death. You just die, that's it.*

    After the first time I learned that if you want to succeed *at death, you don't warn anyone you know. You take the right pills or plan the right course of action and then you follow through. But for whatever reason someone has always come around just in the nick of time. And I am always pissed off when I wake up.*

    So my question is Why? Why can't you see that some people have NO options. I'm not talking about a person that has their heart broken and wants to die or someone who failed mid terms here. *That to me is making a rash decision and they should talk to someone. Seek help. You still have a life and people who love you. You have a future! *But I'm freakin homeless, I have nothing , I'm in my 40's and you would all want me to suffer and try to survive for another 30+ years like this? Some people just don't want to live that way and especially not that long.*

    I expect to read that "you care",*
    "someone needs you" , " you have a purpose" , but I don't , this is it for me, this is where I am and if you look deeply enough into yourself you will realize you really don't care, they are words to ease your mind. *You don't know me, *you will certainly never meet me, you might pass me on the street and have some semblance of pity for my situation but nothing more in the long run. **

    You will not live with my pain, my depression or my sorrow for the rest of my life. That is my burden, it is never yours. so how can anyone possibly say "keep going" when all there is to go to is more suffering and for many years to come.*

    Can anyone see my point? Sometimes it is the better option. For certain circumstances it is the right choice. When you have absolutely nothing, no one and you are in as much pain as you can possibly imagine, then it might be your only choice.*

    Please if you are *thinking about dying and read this please please do not read this the wrong way. This isn't something I have rushed into. This is something I have been thinking about * for a very very long time and I tried extremely *hard to find something to hold onto. *I'm not saying your pain is any less but you might still have options and more then likely you have people who do care about you in your life.

    *If I had family it might be different for me. *So please don't think this is your only option. All circumstances are different. I have no intention of hurting myself tonight. * I just believe that certain people in certain situations should be allowed to let go and not feel guilt, shame or that they are selfish and weak.*

    Can anyone see my point? Does anyone agree that under certain circumstances it is less cruel to let the person go then to have them suffer for years to come? *Am I the only person that sees things in this light? Am I wrong?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 6, 2012
  2. sihuskyzoi

    sihuskyzoi Well-Known Member

    Agreed. How dare someone label this as "selfish" or "cowardly"! Living seems like a nature walk compared to the courage it is taking for me to die. The people doing the labeling are typically the same people categorizing the homeless, the lower class, and in general... "the unmentionables". If that makes any sense at all. There's a point at which Ive run out of money, insurance, housing, and friends. Mental and physical illness are in steady decline... these people should be thanking me for not putting another stress on an already overstressed system!! I do leave friends and family. I regret their pain. But its my life, my hurdles, my pain. And at some point... especially when no one is reliant on you... you can decide to be done. Not selfish! Courageous, if anything.
  3. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that you've found yourself in this dark place. You've been struggling for a very long time and I can respect your wish for it to end. I think it's our natural inclination to ask people to hold on, to keep fighting, no matter how selfish that may be. I think on some level, the thought of there being absolutely no hope for a person scares us because that could be us at some point. So we convince ourselves that there HAS to be hope there somewhere and that is what we respond to when we beg people to hold on. But, you're right, is that really fair to the person suffering? That brings up the whole 'right-to-die' debate and how is it that we can allow people with terminal physical illnesses to die? Even our animals get more compassionate treatment.

    But you're not off the hook that easily. ;)

    Have you exhausted ALL of your possible resources?? Shelters, treatment in any free clinics that may be available, Social Security, food stamps, help from friends (you say you have none, but in an earlier post you said you asked friends to take your cat and you were able to leave her with them during the day), extended family, even a State hospital just to give you some space to breathe, get treatment, and try to regroup? I was homeless for a short time and was able to stay in a state-run respite facility through my State Department of Mental Health. The State hospital was presented as an option if I needed it. I was able to get better and even went back to work. Life is much better now. Things can change.

    And you're right, I don't know you, but I have seen things change for people who thought there was no hope. So I'm not willing to give up on you that easily.

    So, what would happen if you were to walk into the lobby of the State hospital and tell them that you are homeless and suicidal? I think it's worth finding out.
  4. FellOutOfBed

    FellOutOfBed Member

    Yesterday, after I wrote the post, I looked at the other posts on here. Wow, so much pain is written on this forum. Each new post was just as important as the last. I read all I could until I finally found sleep.*

    I made a mistake yesterday by writing that the words of comfort are "just to ease your mind." I felt the reasons why you reply with those caring and loving words. You can't help but show compassion to someone hurting so much. *The lonely people effected me most but every post touched my heart and I felt like throwing my arms around each and every person to make them feel the love and comfort they are in such great need of.*

    It made me think back to when I was young, you know that 10 year old inside of us that can't wait for the adventure of life, who doesn't fully understand that it gets difficult as we grow older. The one that *has dreams of becoming whatever their hearts desire. The kid that doesn't see any limitations on who they can be. Hasn't lost the people they love most and whose heart isn't scarred by disappointment, sorrow or worry. *The one not concerned about how to pay the bills or feed their family. When did we lose that feeling? Why did it stop? We all felt it at some point. It didn't leave us but our thoughts are so clouded by pain that we have a difficult time being able to see it is still there. That same hope is still within each of us. You just have to find it again.

    Remembering that time made me smile. It actually made me hopeful in a strange way. No we can't go back but why can't we try to move forward with that same outlook. We don't have to forget what has happened but we can let go of some of the pain that came with it. *

    Letting go doesn't diminish the fact that we've struggled but I think now it might ease the burden of living it day after day *just a bit.*

    Think back to when you were filled with optimism, when you knew no boundaries. Remember that feeling for just a moment and don't dwell on the fact that your life didn't go as planned. That those dreams didn't come true and that life isn't perfect. But think that today and every day in the future holds a new beginning for you.*

    You can be 80 or 18 and feel like everything is lost but tomorrow will still be there and you can still hope no matter how old you are.*

    I don't know what the future has in store for me. I don't know if I will kill myself or not. But I can thank each one of you for sharing your stories and your pain. You are all very special even if you don't see that for yourself. And when you feel depressed just try to remember that kid within you that had so much hope and remember that just because you are older, it doesn't mean that the hope went away.*

    I'm going to look into getting some help. Until yesterday I wasn't open to it. If that works, then great. If it doesn't then I'll look at my options at that time. I still believe it is our own choice and one we should be allowed to make but maybe there is time left and things can get better. Maybe I can hope for another day that things might turn around. *Maybe death is not the only option just yet.

    Thank you for caring and I hope things are better for all of us in the future.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 6, 2012
  5. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Gentle hugs to you. :hug: I hope things do turn around for you soon. Please keep us posted. :)
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.