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When is it worth it?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Caged bird, Oct 1, 2010.

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  1. Caged bird

    Caged bird Guest

    I have looked at some of the posts. I am sorry people are really struggling like I used to.
    The last two months I have moved out of home, I have got and maintained a good job. I have continued with uni. I have been talking to people. Giving myself treats and doing things I like. I have still had a lot of trouble with bad thoughts but have been fighting them. I have even had a few short moments where I thought 'I wish I was dead' then could honestly say, 'maybe not right now'. All around I am a million times better than I was.
    However: I keep falling back to letting myself be depressed, I visited home last weekend and I really struggled not to completely fall back into it. I want something that I enjoy, something that I can work for - but I don't know what that is, I am scared it doesn't exist. I like to think but I can't without getting stuck in my head and becoming suicidal. I generally hate how the world is and that (how the world is) isn't going to change. Especially that nothing makes sense. I need things to make sense. I want to know what to do, what is important. I want things to be stable. I started anti-depresants again, so I will wait at least a week before I die - to see if they actually help this time. I have this assignment to do, I think that is making things worse. But I can't put off everything forever. And while I have a good job, I don't want to do it forever either - it is only definitly for another month anyway.
    Basically I have been trying really hard to make things better, doing everything I can and now they are better but not enough that I want to live.
    I am confused by this, why other people want to live, whether I am still sick and can get better, what else I can do, whether I am just someone who can't let myself be ok with life so should just kill myself.
    I have tried a few times before and never stopped wishing they had worked. But I have survived through so much, I don't want to give up if I am close now. Still I don't know how to get myself to believe there is more than what I have made for myself. That anything in life is worth the effort needed to get it. Should I try and have fun for a while, spend all my money and die happy?
    Can anyone help?
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Caged Bird. It sounds to me like you need more purpose in your life. Maybe you could try having some more hobbies to keep you busy or volunteering some of your time to help people in need? You sound like you're getting your life back in order. Keep up the good work. :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    One does not let themselves get depressed it happens because the chemicals in the brain are not right. maybe meds are needed to be increased some
    You are doing a great job getting well but you may need to call doc when you start seeing yourself slip back into depression. It will be always a challenge but you are doing great. Each day is a new opportunity a new beginning it is worth it when you see results like you have seen keep trying okay you are stronger then you think take care
  4. Caged bird

    Caged bird Guest

    I have the neighbours kitten to play with for a while - that is helping amazingly. I am trying anti-depressants again. When I said letting myself be depressed, I meant acting like it- not talking or getting out of bed, thinking shit, ...
    I am trying to get help this time. I want things to keep getting better.
    I need to work out how to be ok without anything having meaning.
    I need to work out things I like.
    I need to work out how to think without destroying myself.
    I need to work out how to get myself to do things I have to but don't want to.
    I just thought if I could make things better, and feel better - which I have managed for a while anyway - that I would stop wishing I was dead.
    I don't know what to hold onto - except maybe this cat, which I can't ...
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