When is suicide not suicide?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by achtland, Jan 22, 2009.

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  1. achtland

    achtland Member


    I'm a newbie here so forgive me if I'm posting to the wrong place or if this has already been asked.

    I have to admit the fact that I have absolutely no desire to live any more. I find I can't trust a single person and have concluded that I am going to lead a lonely existence and die alone. What is the point? I have lived this long even lying to myself that everything is ok when I know it's not. I can't be bothered doing this any more. No-one believes a word I say, no-one likes me and even worse than that, people pretend to be my friend just to get some information out of me so they can share it with others behind my back and have a good laugh. I have never had any friends and can't imagine I will find any now, everyone's too busy having families and doing their own thing. Even my own brother said he didn't care if he never saw me again.

    The only problem is that I'm too chicken to go and kill myself (at least so far, who knows what will happen tomorrow). So I thought the easy way around this would be to do something like take up smoking and hopefully get cancer or eat really bad and die of a heart attack. Is that still suicide?
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I eat bad and smoke. It's probably because I don't value my life.
    I hope you stick around here and make some friends :). I've found this place to be very helpful and I hope you do too :hug:
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Heck I tried the slow path towards drinking myself to death. But that only made things worse. However..I still smoke and eat poorly, just because I dont really care. Still.....there are worse ways to harm yourself slowly than eating bad and smoking. Besides smoking calms me down, and eating bad, means eating tasty foods!!!!!!!
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi A and welcome...semantics aside, if you are feeling like harming yourself, it is to be taken seriously...there are so many ppl here who understand the battle and with whom you can establlish invaluable relationships...to answer your question, suicide is not suicide when you decide to live life without suicide in the playing field (so to say)...it takes considerably more bravery to be in the world; and for this reason I honor each person's effort to work through their demons...I know, first hand, how difficult this is, and I also know how worthy it is for me to have chosen to live an authentic life (as imperfect and messy as it is)...please PM me if I can be of any support...big hugs, J
  5. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    It is self destruction, not suicide.

    It will take you at least 20 years to kill you and last years are going to be bigger hell than you can imagine.
  6. achtland

    achtland Member

    20 years??!!!

    Don't think I could last that long. Maybe if I keep thinking the classic "it won't happen to me" then just one cigarette will give me cancer?

    A silly question - but does anyone think it would be stupid to give up my job with no job to go to if that is one of the reasons I feel like I do? I think everyone there is against me, they have been dropping hints since I started that I should leave. I've lasted a year but don't think I can bear it another day. Wolf in sheep's clothing would describe each and every one of them.

    One half of me says it would be, as finding another (decent) job might be harder than usual given the world crisis we're all dealing with at the moment. Would the stress of no job replace the stress of having to work with those tossers? Which would be worse?
  7. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    I'm just one person, so don't give my advice too much weight, but I would think that it would be best to look for your new job first. Leaving without a new one lined up could leave you with a rut that's harder to pull yourself out of. Just make sure you really look seriously for the new one...

    That said, I don't know much about you or your situation.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey A,
    Welcome to the forum. I relate to not having friends. My dad was military and we moved every two years so I didn't see any point in making friends. When he got out of the service and we settled down in one spot I had no idea how to make those bonds with anyone. I am 52 now and have never had a good friend.
    I have isolated myself for the last 15 years and have had mental health problems all the way back to 13. Thats as far back as I can remember. I have learned from therapy that you have to love yourself before others will. The only problem with that is I can't stand myself so I just exist. You should really think about therapy they can teach you how to cope.
    As far as smoking yourself to death. Not a good idea, for one thing it is expensive and very addictive. I started back when I was twelve or thirteen and like I said I am 52 now. I just have breathing problems now. I get winded easy.
    Think about what I said about learning to love yourself and about therapy...Take care!~Joseph~
  9. achtland

    achtland Member

    Any advice is welcome advice! :smile: Pensive1981, I know what you're saying about looking seriously for another. I am looking, but probably not hard enough. In fact, it would probably be easier if they just fired me! The problem is that I'm bored with the career I have and want to change but don't know what I want to change to. The only thing that I do know is that the less contact with people the new job involves the better. Maybe something to do with animals - at least they can't be nasty about you behind your back!

    Stranger1, how have you coped with having no friends that long? This is how I see myself for the rest of my life. I didn't move around as much as you when I was a kid but I'm certainly making up for it now as I try to find somewhere that I like to 'settle down'. School was a nightmare, I was always the last to join the class and by default the one the rest of the class would pick on. I thought these kind of things were left behind as you grew into adulthood but it would seem some people don't grow up and I'm getting it all over again at work.

    I kind of understand what you're saying about loving yourself first but how can I replace over 30 years of self-hate with love? I don't think I can say I even know what love is. My mother keeps pestering me about having children (despite no partner anywhere on the horizon) and the first thing I always think is how much I wouldn't want another me on this earth. It doesn't really help that I'm now at that 'tick-tock tick-tock' phase of life where having my own children is a now-or-never thing. Why would I want to bring a new life into this cruel, horrid and deceitful world anway?

    I tried to see a therapist, but because I live in a small town I can't trust him that he doesn't know someone at work. They have already followed me on two holidays and talk to the other people in my house about me but if I were to confront them about it they would just say I was being paranoid. This is probably what they are trying to achieve (making me think there's something wrong with me) and it works most days.

    I'm glad I found this forum and thanks everyone so far, you've been a great help! :smile:
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