Hi there, I don't really know what I'm doing but I've read a bunch of posts here and so...I decided to post one of my own.
I don't know what to say. If somebody asked me, "Are you depressed?" I think I would say yes. I always feel like there's a weight on my shoulders and my chest and sometimes it even gets hard to breathe when I'm really feeling down. I get really suicidal but I make myself keep on pushing through life because I don't want to make my family and friends unhappy by killing myself. I've seen a psychologist 3 times (the same one), but I can't remember the visits very well. I only went to see her because my mom made me, and nothing got better because I just lied to her. I can't talk about my feelings with my family or friends, it's like I literally have a mental breakdown when I even think about it.
I cry at night and try to forget about it in the morning. I used to cut but I've stopped (mostly) because it left scars and I'm scared someday somebody'll notice. A friend of mine *did* notice and she talked to me about it, but I can't tell her everything. I hold it inside, and I know I shouldn't, but I don't have any fucking idea what to do now. I've been fucked up for most of my life for no reason - I've got a good family, I'm attending a really fucking expensive private school, I've got a good life.
I had a sudden realization a few weeks ago that this is all mostly because of two core reasons:
1) I'm adopted, thus I can't feel much of a connection with my parents (but that's just me)
2) My brother was also pretty fucked up until the year before last. It got to the point when my parents sent him off to a boarding school/refuge and he got all better and came back.
My brother recently told me something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but you're being a bitch." And the worst part is, it's true but I can't help it. I was neglected for a long time, and now I guess it shows 'cause I'm not appreciative, I'm selfish and bitchy and mean and a horrible person. But then it gets a lot easier to handle (my self-hatred and depression) at school with my friends. And call me an idiot, but I'd consider myself happy when I'm able to talk and hang out with my ESL Japanese friends. For some reason Japanese is like my solace, except that I can't bring myself to study enough until the last minute. What makes it worse is that I'm not even Japanese, I'm Korean, and my mom keeps rubbing it in my face that a lot of Japanese don't like/hate Koreans.
My mom isn't a bad person, but she drives me insane. Almost everything about her can set me off - her face, her voice (especially her laugh or sing-song voice), just her presence nearby can set me on edge. The same is with my brother, and for no just reason. The only conclusion I've been able to come up with is that because my brother required a lot of our parents' attention in the past, maybe I'm psychologically fucked up to the point where I simply can't like him. I can tolerate him, at times, but I just can't bring myself to say or think "I love him". The same with my mom, because she's been the "bad cop" for all my life. My dad is a good person, too, but he's only recently started being the "bad cop". But I really, really can't say "I love them. They're my family" because I don't think of them as my family. My birth family won't make contact with me, and I'm not allowed to open my records until I'm 18, so it's 4 more years of this fucking existence.
I lack self-confidence, my self-esteem is rock bottom, and I'm horridly shy to the point where I'm only comfortable discussing this on this online forum. Sorry if this is confusing or shit but I needed to get it off my chest.
I don't know what to say. If somebody asked me, "Are you depressed?" I think I would say yes. I always feel like there's a weight on my shoulders and my chest and sometimes it even gets hard to breathe when I'm really feeling down. I get really suicidal but I make myself keep on pushing through life because I don't want to make my family and friends unhappy by killing myself. I've seen a psychologist 3 times (the same one), but I can't remember the visits very well. I only went to see her because my mom made me, and nothing got better because I just lied to her. I can't talk about my feelings with my family or friends, it's like I literally have a mental breakdown when I even think about it.
I cry at night and try to forget about it in the morning. I used to cut but I've stopped (mostly) because it left scars and I'm scared someday somebody'll notice. A friend of mine *did* notice and she talked to me about it, but I can't tell her everything. I hold it inside, and I know I shouldn't, but I don't have any fucking idea what to do now. I've been fucked up for most of my life for no reason - I've got a good family, I'm attending a really fucking expensive private school, I've got a good life.
I had a sudden realization a few weeks ago that this is all mostly because of two core reasons:
1) I'm adopted, thus I can't feel much of a connection with my parents (but that's just me)
2) My brother was also pretty fucked up until the year before last. It got to the point when my parents sent him off to a boarding school/refuge and he got all better and came back.
My brother recently told me something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but you're being a bitch." And the worst part is, it's true but I can't help it. I was neglected for a long time, and now I guess it shows 'cause I'm not appreciative, I'm selfish and bitchy and mean and a horrible person. But then it gets a lot easier to handle (my self-hatred and depression) at school with my friends. And call me an idiot, but I'd consider myself happy when I'm able to talk and hang out with my ESL Japanese friends. For some reason Japanese is like my solace, except that I can't bring myself to study enough until the last minute. What makes it worse is that I'm not even Japanese, I'm Korean, and my mom keeps rubbing it in my face that a lot of Japanese don't like/hate Koreans.
My mom isn't a bad person, but she drives me insane. Almost everything about her can set me off - her face, her voice (especially her laugh or sing-song voice), just her presence nearby can set me on edge. The same is with my brother, and for no just reason. The only conclusion I've been able to come up with is that because my brother required a lot of our parents' attention in the past, maybe I'm psychologically fucked up to the point where I simply can't like him. I can tolerate him, at times, but I just can't bring myself to say or think "I love him". The same with my mom, because she's been the "bad cop" for all my life. My dad is a good person, too, but he's only recently started being the "bad cop". But I really, really can't say "I love them. They're my family" because I don't think of them as my family. My birth family won't make contact with me, and I'm not allowed to open my records until I'm 18, so it's 4 more years of this fucking existence.
I lack self-confidence, my self-esteem is rock bottom, and I'm horridly shy to the point where I'm only comfortable discussing this on this online forum. Sorry if this is confusing or shit but I needed to get it off my chest.
