When it's just not good enough...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hwynym, Sep 18, 2007.

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  1. hwynym

    hwynym Guest

    I've replied to a few posts and posted one thing about the Bridge movie in one of the other forums. Most of my replies have been along the lines of talking young people out of thinking that they need to kill themselves over transitory issues that I know will seem much less important with age.

    But what do you do when you're never going to see 45 again and life still just isn't good enough?

    When you wake up and do the same thing, over and over because you MUST to support your kids, but the very act of going to work crushes your soul every single day?

    What do you do, when you realize that you are alone and probably will be for the rest of your life? I'm not talking about sex, that can be had fairly easily...
    I'm talking about someone I can talk to and just be with. After the seperation and divorce - I simply no longer trust anyone with my heart. I can't make myself let anyone get that near to me again. Sometimes, it's not so bad. But when other things in life get bad, and there's nobody to have a real heart-to-heart with, someone who cares deeply - a mate...it just amplifies the loneliness and leaves me wondering why I'm doing this.

    Right now, I'm travelling for work...what if I never came back? What if the rental car plows into the overpass abuttment at say, 90 mph? I know nobody's going to talk methods and I understand that and I'm not looking for suggestions. I've had years and years to think of methods...beleive me.

    It's just that the life I see stretching out before me seems pointless and painful. It's not a good enough reason to stick around.

    I know the kids will be upset, but they're getting older now...they'll get through it and I'm not in their lives every day now, just every other weekend and Wednesdays, for dinner. They can get by without that - and in the end, would it not be better for them to have me NOT there, rather than see me become the bitter old man I see myself turning into? Let them remember me as I was, once. Not this empty, dry husk that really has no purpose in life anymore.

    Life has just gotten so miserable lately and I want an exit. The primary culprit in my torture is me - I cannot abide by mediocrity and that's all I see in my own life...and I hate it. They say God doesn't make mistakes and maybe he didn't here - because I have three great kids. But I really do feel like I was never meant to be. That I slipped through some loophole that allowed me into being, but that the lifelong depression and self-knowledge that I don't deserve to be happy are nature's way of eventually rectifying the oversight.

    As far as the "right" to take one's own life argument goes - there really isn't an argument, is there? Whether there's a right or not, people will still do it and what are you going to do to those that succeed? It's too late to do anything. I guess a society can try to stop people, but if someone is really determined, then nothing can be done.

    I know the "where" and the "how" of what I see as the ideal way for me to take my leave...I just don't know the "when". I have to hold on for a while longer...it's always been something that I have to wait for. But it's getting a little tiring and there's a little voice in my head telling me to just get it over with and stop whining about it.

    In the end, nobody will really care anyway. Life will go on and the pain will end for me and eventually for the kids, too. I want them to have a good life - I just don't seem to be able to provide that for them by example, anymore.

    I'm honestly not looking for e-hugs or for anyone to tell me it will all get better. I've been around a long time and I know that it seems to get better but that I eventually find myself lost in the dark place again...and deeper in those woods every time it happens. Eventually, we all have to face ourselves and tell ourselves the truth - and some of us can't survive that. Natural selection? I don't know...but it does seem that we're one of a few species into which nature seems to have built in the impulse in some individuals, to destroy ourselves and it just seems to get worse the further mankind progresses into the future.

    But that's the global view...back to me. I just don't see much point in going down a path that I KNOW leads only to years of misery. I think the day is coming soon, to pull a fade.
  2. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I care :hug:
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