I am so very sorry you had to deal with this as a child, it is so awful for those who have! No, you didn't do anything to make him hurt you in any way. There is no excuse for what he did to you, no child asks for that! Speak this to yourself regularly to remind you it isn't your fault! He was broken, probably grew up w the same thing. Still, no excuse. =( Are you in counseling? If you can't afford it, <mod edit - religion> or know of it. Continue to speak positive truths to yourself to counteract negative lies said to you or you've thought. retrain your brain to speak positivity and know the good in you, rather than hurtful destructive lies. Here is what I do w stress and tho it won't make it all go away, it will help you be stronger to deal w it all. Get outside, <mod edit - religion>, touch the earth and look at the stars. That helps me remember the bigness of life and the constant faithfulness of it all. Also I pray, meditate on wise words and stretch myself thru learning, art and groups like meetups, bible studies, classes. Lastly, I take magnesium and ginseng to calm my body, mind and soul. They also get rid of those sticky negative thoughts and feelings that get me down. You are a treasure, you are worthy and you are loved!!