When love is not enough..

Hello all,

I have been mentally ill for 4 years and after going through many diagnoses including depression, anxiety, PTSD, EDNOS and substance dependence they have settled on labelling me with Borderline Personality disorder. I feel suicidal every day. I have attempted suicide previously and spent time in the ICU. I know it tears my family apart and they are the one reason i am still here today.
But My deep love for them and theirs for me is not enough to keep me here anymore.
I am 19 nearly 20, my parents are seperated, I struggle with self harm, constant suicidal ideation with plans intact, I suffer from nightmares and flashbacks due to trauma, I am psychologically dependant on heroin and I am really miserable all the time.My existence is toxic to both myself and those around me and the pain is too much. I am terrified of living. I can't cope anymore, there is nothing left to me. Does anyone think that my family will realise that I will be at peace after I end my life? I often think about overdosing and making it look like an accident to save them some pain. I am sure I will succumb to my disorder sometime in the future and I do not want to prolong the suffering any more.

My love goes out to you all, may you be at peace in your life and live happy and free.
XXX
Chloe

 

Here is a poem I wrote today. Please tell me what you think. XXX

A delicate butterfly with clipped wings and a shattered heart.
Cursed by invisible inner torture encased within a fragile outer shell.
A lost soul drowning in a sea of broken dreams and what could have been.
Who is suspended in an undying psychological pain - slightly eased by chemical relief shot through the veins.
One whose hope is slowly fading.
One who may be a little too fragile for this world.
Whose strengths are berated, weaknesses exacerbated - by a disorder wreaking devastation as the mind relentlessly and uncontrollably betrays itself.
One who radiates hope, love and empathy, yet has no one to share it with.
Because one is stunted by a fear of ever letting others get too close.
This certain soul has been put through the shredder and they are left trying to glue their pieces back together. For a very, very long time.
This one is now filled up with darkness, yet still attempts to glow when it is dark.
But I AM one who would always try my best to brighten your day, even if I could not brighten up my own.

~

My ruptured heart's still seeping blood.
And I am set to self destruct.
Forgive me for all the wrong I've done,
This time the pain was just too much.

XXX

 

Hi Chloe,


I am sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain right now. You are a very, very talented writer. Thank you for sharing your poem I too have been at that place, where the love I had for others and the love they had for me was not enough to keep me here. I was at such a low ebb and I could not see any other way out. I self destructed in numerous ways because I felt there was no other choice. I have been at that point so many times. But something came to me one day. I was at my lowest point, where nothing could possibly get even lower so I said to myself "It can only go up from here". I have suffered from mental health problems, for as long as I can remember and I am 22 now. I had nothing else to lose, so I eventually and reluctantly reached out to all those around me for help. My family were so supportive and helped me get the help I needed from my Dr's. I am now out of the danger phase, and I am beginning to enjoy my life again. I know that I will most likely relapse again in the future, but the good times are so worth it and it seriously overrides the bad.

It may feel impossible to overcome, it may feel impossible that you will never get to that place but you have time on your hands as time is a massive healer. Do what you need to do to get the help you deserve, because you deserve it.

Keep posting and reaching out here, take care and keep yourself safe :hug:

 

You ARE talented, for sure, thank you for sharing. one day at a time my dear, hugs xoxo