when others words kill

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by suzyraz, Jun 29, 2011.

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  1. suzyraz

    suzyraz New Member

    I am new here. I have had a very hard life. I am a 45 year old female. I married at 20 ....have a 25 year old daughter. My first husband was a drug addict who beat me, raped me, and belittled me. I divorced him and was left penniless with a young child. A lack of education forced me into housing projects and low paying wages. I have battled post traumatic stress from an abortion I had because I was penniless and didn't know any other options. I have never been on a vacation or experienced room service, hairdressers, new clothes, or lobsters......I struggle to get out of my bed and go to work. My life unfortunately shows in my exterior face. I am wrinkled where I shouldn't be. There is no HOPE for me to look any better. I was sitting at my desk this morning and three women that I prepare legal documents for stopped in to meet me. They seemed very nice. We talked about our daughters. I mentioned that I had a birthday coming up, and one of the women said, "Oh let me guess, you are going to be 57!!!!!" I said no....she continued and said, "Oh 55?" no...."53?_.....no.....when I told her 46 she laughed at me, I know how trivial it sounds, but these words had me crestfallen. Maybe I don't get proper nutrition or vitamins, maybe I LOOK like crap because my face is lined like a map, but I am a person....not an animal. Sorry to vent like this, but I am tired. Tired SO tired. Does anyone believe that there HAS to be something better in the afterlife? I have never used drugs but my face looks like that of a chronic meth head. If I had any $ I would just get a botox but that of course is not an option. This women's words makes me want to take a bottle of Xanax and sleep. There are tears all over my keyboard. Does anyone in this world have a kind word for me today? Thank you for listening & God Bless.....xxx
     
  2. tenholehweels

    tenholehweels Well-Known Member

    i'm so sorry for the pain you have experienced.

    but every wrinkle every line tells the story of your
    life the good and the bad.

    besides i'm sure you are a great person,with a lot to live
    for. i won't go into details that brought me here but what
    you have said is very close to mine.

    i'm sure someone else will come along shortly here to help
    more.

    Wayne
     
  3. Terrie15

    Terrie15 Member

    My problems seem so trivial compared to yours. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I hate bullying and it's sad to hear that adults do it too.
     
  4. That woman sounds like a jerk to me. I always tell myself that people like that are not worth worrying about their opinions because they are idiots (oops, bad grammar). But I realize that words still hurt. Keep telling yourself that you are as worthwhile a human being as any other human and better than many, morally. I am just so sad for you that you have never been on a vacation or had any real special moments in your life. Sounds like you beat yourself up over the abortion, too. Try not to do that! You did THE BEST YOU COULD! I do think you would benefit from anti-depressants or anxiety meds or something. You might have more energy to explore other possibilities, such as better jobs. We are here for you - keep writing.
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums Suzy..I know how hard life can be.. People just shit on you because they can get away with it.. You sound like your a very kind person.. Are you and your daughter close?? She's an adult now so maybe you can talk with her about how your feeling.. I would normally reccomend a therapist but it sounds like you are just getting by..There are alot of good peeps here..Maybe someone else will have some suggestions for you..Don't be discouraged if replys are slow in coming.. When you are new sometimes peeps don't know what to say..Just keep posting o.k. Take care!!
     
  6. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear suzyraz,

    You have been so strong to go through what you have gone through in life. Who knows, if any of those women who were talking to you had to experience what you have experienced, they would probably not even have survived, not to say how much older they might look…

    I used to color my hair to look younger. I stopped doing it this year as I do not want to live for anyone’s mind, including my own mind. That’s how I see it now. Appearance is so superficial. I am as I am. I don’t really care what the mind thinks. Life is simple. Only the human mind makes it so complicated…

    There is nothing wrong with the way you are. It doesn’t matter what others think or say. Your strength shown in living this life is highly respectful. Don’t let some shallow words put down…

    If you believe in “afterlife”, what you have been able to overcome in this life time may mean a lot to the “afterlife”, whatever it may be…

    Blessings and hugs :hug:
     
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hiya suzy,

    I am sorry to hear about what you have been through. And I think that woman needs a good slap. Has she ever heard its rude to guess a ladys age?!!?! I know these words hurt but some people are just plain ignorant and its best to ignore then. Easier said than done I know. Do you feel you need aby extra support or anything? Or do you just need an ear from time to time? Either way please post here and we will support you hun and listen when you need to vent or talk. Tc hun and stay safe xxx
     
  8. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    good luck to you
     
  9. suzyraz

    suzyraz New Member

    Thank you all...from my heart....my goodness, how wonderful to read these replies to my post. This is the absolute best part of the internet..reaching out blindly, and feeling the strong support of many helping hands. I listened and watched the video, Beautiful, by Christina Auguliera... it is a perfect message for me today......you have been wonderfully supportive...I think I will pray for this silly woman whoose comments made me feel so low....thank you everyone xxx Suzy
     
  10. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    You are truly beautiful, suzyraz! :)
     
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    suzyraz..sounds like you've had a very hard life but have great strength..

    I'm gonna use the cliche..'beauty is only skin deep'
    and that woman who said that to you sounds pretty ''ugly''

    the other phrase my Mum always used is
    ''there, but for the Grace of God, go I''

    I'm not religious but that one is so true...

    and hey!!
    there's always Karma!!
    *hugs*
     
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Suzyraz
    I read every word you wrote and it brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could hug you. I am sorry for all the suffering that you have expereinced. I am going to tell you what i think. The suffering, the adversity, the lines on your face, they are not who you are. They are not who your heart is. They are the description of a hard life.

    I remember going in to the post office and the person behind the counter telling me to smile. I realized that because of adversity my mouth permanantly curled down in a frown. And my eyes did the same.

    I remember when I was about 56 years old being offered senior discounts at stores. I know how it feels. The most important thing is that you would never laugh at someone as they did. so what does that say about your heart vs theirs? I would choose your heart over theirs.

    When we know adversity, we have the opportunity to develop great amounts of compassion for others. So perhaps you have assets that many people do not have, that being one of them.

    In our society people are judged way too often by money or appearance. But these are trivial in a much deeper sense. In the truest sense. I am going to get spiritual here for a minute. Please forgive me if its not appropriate. But a very very very advanced soul can sometimes choose a lifetime of great adversity. One that a less advanced soul could never handle. This is my belief. So perhaps, as a soul, you shine more brightly than you could ever know. Perhaps as a soul you have depths of wisdom, and wealth that is far more important than those who live in million dollar houses.

    I do not mean to trivilaize what you have spoken of. Because the pain is real. The pain of your life is extremely real. Just that there may be great wealth that as a soul you will always have. And compassion because of the suffering you have experienced. A compassion that was lacking in the people who laughed. Blessings to you, Dear Suyraz. You are a beauty !!!!!:hugtackles::hug: :flowers:
     
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