When people reach out to you...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by glass_samurai, May 11, 2008.

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  1. glass_samurai

    glass_samurai Member


    There are two conflicting desires inside me. On the one hand, I can't stand my loneliness, yet on the other hand I cultivate it. This dilemma becomes even more unsolvable when I'm at my worst. Usually, I can't manage to get out and socialize, so sometimes, the few people who are still in touch with me realize I'm depressed again and they reach out. I see their messages on my cell and I start typing a polite decline, then it takes me forever to hit the "send" button. While a part of me thinks it's like stabbing myself in the heart, another part of me cannot deal with anyone. And I think to myself...how I wish people didn't know how I feel . How I wish the only people who cared about me would show it to me when things are going well. I rarely see my sister or brother. Whether I'm suicidal or not shouldn't change their course of action. I'm not saying it's pity, because I'm sure they genuinely care, yet it all seems biased. It seems like they don't like to be around me for who I am, but only because I may kill myself. Maybe it's crazy to think this way but I can't help it.

    I wish I could stop feeling like an open wound, so that I could stop pushing away the only people who are still part of my life. I've almost set sail with society, I'm already at large. In many ways, I feel like the character of "Into the Wild", although I left the world for different reasons - most weren't my decisions.

    I just wish I would stop pushing people away yet I don't at the same time. I've faced this dilemma most of my life and I can't seem to be able to solve it. I was just wondering if anyone else experienced being torn inside in this particular fashion...
  2. Yes

    Yes Guest

    I do relate, a lot yes. I don't like people to show me care and reach out when it's fake, yet I crave people to genuinely care. If they say its genuine I push them away because I don't believe it, then I'm alone, and I don't like being alone. Sometimes though, with delusions, I have to be alone.

    If you feel people on show they care when you are low, maybe they care all the time, yet if you say to someone who is appearing happy and fine something about always being there if you need them, it can be inappropriate, depending on the situation. Maybe you need to talk to those who reach out when you are bad, when you feel good, about how you feel (if you follow) and what you think might help you.

    Do you know what it is that causes you to isolate yourself, and why? And also what it is in you that makes you want company?

    It's very conflicted, like you say, but if you can analyse it and work out whats behind both emotions (such as maybe testing people to see who will fight through your barriers and still be there, or protecting yourself from hurt, or many other things), then you might gain more understanding and be able to battle it better.

    Take care of yourself.
  3. glass_samurai

    glass_samurai Member

    I've been an outcast all my life, from the cradle to the workplace where I am now. Not looking completely insane is an every day challenge among dynamic, outgoing people.

    So isolation became a way of life a long time ago. From where I am, there's this dilemma I talked about, but beyond this, there's the big ugly "why bother?" question. What would I tell them? I want to die, my life is a complete failure, and that's that. Nothing they can do about it really, all it'd do would be to propagate my negativity and produce more helplessness. Besides, words don't come easy, I feel like I've ran dry many years ago. I can still write, but as far as talking...I've always had strong autistic traits. Irrational, sudden feelings of fear when it's time to open up. I rarely answer the phone or talk to anyone really, besides the basics you need to feed the body ("one doughnut please", "thank you", "goodbye").

    A part of me does want company but not any kind of company. I don't want to be the suicidal guy people have to save, I've played that role way too often. Sadly, with so many years of depression and negativity behind me, when it's time to share deep feelings, the black stuff will most likely come out, and people will either lose respect for me or start treating me like a child or a mental health patient. Why is it that such "confessions" immediately prompt most people to get on a mission to save me? I can laugh about it all, and I'm fine with joking about suicide too. I just wish it was possible to have friends accept that part of me and still treat me like they'd treat anybody else.
  4. Yes

    Yes Guest

    Well I'm going to tell you that I can relate to a lot of that, apart from the bit about saving me, people aren't fussed about that.

    It's interesting you mentioned the autistic traits because that was something I was going to suggest. I'm wondering if you feel like the outcast more to do with that, than what the people around you have done. You know that autism (or being any where on that spectrum) can be characterised by lack of social skills, so maybe that is taking you a step apart from the world, in your mind, because there is a barrier there. I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself well :| Sorry if I'm not.

    I know how it can be when you open up to people and it goes wrong from how you feel you need it to. You mention that writing is something you can still do. Have you ever considered trying something like online therapy, or having a therapist that you communicate with through e-mails or letters? I did that for a while and managed to get a lot of progress where I had not managed to verbally.

    I'm not trying to save you, or pussy foot around you, I don't need to because I have often found that straight talking is the way to go for some people. So I'm going to say this. There is help out there for you for this, be it help for your traits or the depression, or even if it is just joining an online forum for people with those traits and finding a world of people who understand. You just have to fight and keep fighting for it.

    As for friends, have you told them how you need them to act? With time they should 'get used to it' and see you as you still are. True friends will still be the same friend, will still laugh with you, still need you for support, still be a friend, or be willing to learn about suicide, even if they don't currently know how to act. If people are treating you that differently, then maybe they are not real friends?

    Just remember that here people can relate to feeling so bad, so they won't treat you differently from anyone else. Sure, they may offer support, but they won't pussy foot around you (or they shouldn't because they don't do it around anyone else).

    This is a sucky reply, lol, sorry, but the short of it is that I can relate to what you say, even the bit about autistic traits because I reckon I have Aspergers Syndrome. So yeh, I can relate. Sorry for the uselessness of this garble I have spouted. You're nto alone though!
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