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When seconds are long as years

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Madeleine, Dec 31, 2007.

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  1. Madeleine

    Madeleine Member

    Hi everybody

    I found this forum accidentally, desperately seeking people in the same situation as me.

    I've had thoughts of suicide occasionally before. Recently the love of my life announced me that everything is over between us and there is no way of return. And now it frightens me because the impulse of really committing something like this is incredibly strong. I feel such a powerful pain that I cannot control it, I cannot see any escape for the moment, it's like I would do anything to get rid of this torment, including my annihilation. I refused to go to a New Year party because I am in such a pathetic state of mind that I would spoil everybody's fun. Besides I would be compelled to see everybody around being happy and joyful... The seconds and the minutes seem so long, like years, and when I think about suicide I feel such a relief, like I found the answer and the solution and this is the only way of not feeling this unbearable sufferance anymore. I also feel hopeless, like the past was the best part of my life and I have before me a future of gloom and regret.
    Oh, if only this night would pass... I feel like I won't see the light of the day again. And it is New Year, for God's sake!
    What should I do?
  2. felodese

    felodese Member

    Its interesting to see how different our problem is but how close our conclusion is. I just made a post here and although my problem is very different I think we are thinking along the same lines. I feel there is no escape.

    But I went through a major breakup about 2 years ago and my advice to you is to go to that new year party and try to dig up all the old hobbies or find new ones but just to keep your mind occupied. It really helped me I started to get back into art and etc. I wont lie still to this day I have sad thoughts about her but I have moved on(it was a long relationship). Also talking to people help, I for one am a pretty private person so forums like this seem nice(just joined) so far. But when I did break up, and my friends found out about it, they did help a lot but sometimes i have issues and they have no idea. And after all this I could have never pictured my self saying, but its better that her and i moved on. I could have never imagined to see my self saying that near the moment.
  3. Madeleine

    Madeleine Member

    Thanks felodese, but I really cannot go to that party. Everybody there will be accompanied by a girlfriend/boyfriend or a spouse and I know I will feel completely miserably or I will drink too much.
    Besides in the latest days I've begun to run away from people, human company is too much for me and I know I would be a bore complaining about the same thing over and over again or just being silent because I don't have enough energy or power of concentration for a conversation.
    More than that, I've insulted this morning a friend who tried to talk to me. After that she told me "I know that you hate everybody these days..." and I became angry insulting her again just because she was right and I felt pitiful. Fortunately I apologized - I can admit when I make a mistake... but this has added more anger and depression to what I had already felt.

    I have to find the power of surviving within myself. It's just that every second is a torment and I miss him so much. I've already humiliated myself asking him to give me one more chance even if I was not guilty of anything - you can imagine how pitiful I was. I have to face it - it is over. God, and it was so beautiful - the most beautiful time of my life. I remember when we were together last year by this time and I was the happiest woman in the world.

    That's it. All good things turn into dust. The toughest lesson that life could give to someone. I think I didn't deserve it.
    The problem is that I feel such a sweetness and joy when I think of death, like the only means of escaping from this hell. I'm just thinking of my parents and my brother, how they will be destroyed if I do such a thing. But sometimes I don't care even about that.
    May God help me!
  4. 2cents

    2cents Well-Known Member

    i am in the same state of mind of urs at the moment, just that it different problems that we are facing.
    this thoughts make me feel sick & want to throw up
  5. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    Your emotions are very raw at present but they will ease with time. I do not wish to use the phrase " plenty more fish in the sea" but you will find in time that there are

    ALWAYS when you think dark thoughts put the pictures of your parents and your brother in your head as well.As you rightly say they would be devastated.I am sure that you do not really want to destroy four lives ( ie yours and theirs) for the sake of some short-term pain. The best thing to do is to "do your own thing" for a while ie use the time as an opportunity to do things you've always wanted to do . Make the most of your time on earth, you only get one chance.Stick with the forum, you will find a lot of like-minded people here
  6. Madeleine

    Madeleine Member

    Thanks numberman.

    I hope I will live through this. What makes the things more painful is that I was so happy before. Memories haunt me. When I was with this man I felt for the first time that life can be indeed wonderful, that there are things in this world such as warmth, understanding and love. And now he is the source of my pain: it's like you are betrayed by your best friend. I've lost all my trust and hope in the beauty and meaning of life. It is deeper than a simple love story that failed: it's the hope itself, the very hope that makes us living that disappeared.
    I am tired of living. I am a wreck, I haven't eaten for two days, I was throwing up the little water and coffee that I drank, I don't have energy even to take a shower and I am smoking cigarette after cigarette. I am telling myself: what is the point of the whole effort of living day by day if this is the result? The worst thing is that I cannot stand any human face or human voice - especially in a time when people celebrate. I hate them for being happy and I am ashamed of feeling like this.
    I cannot stop thinking what a sweet escape death could be. Just some courage and everything will be over. This is the ultimate temptation when you cannot bear the pain anymore: the grave, a new cradle where I could find peace.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 31, 2007
  7. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    Exactly. Same feelings, different situation. My stomach feels so twisted and in knots, I can't eat, and lost intrest in everything. The only time I'm peaceful is when I'm asleep. I wish I could control my feelings instead of letting them control me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 31, 2007
  8. Madeleine

    Madeleine Member

    Well, you are lucky. I have such nightmares and an agitated sleep that I am afraid to go to bed. It seems that I cannot find peace either asleep or awake. It's mere torture. My life has become a torture session. Gee, how will this end?
  9. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    How do you know you find peace at the grave? No=one does and that needs to be remembered.In any event even if you did, what sort of peace are you leaving for your family?

    You just need to get through a bad period and come out the other side.Not easy but it can be done,happy new year

    CRUSHED Well-Known Member

    Oh Madeleine :arms:

    I know how you feel. But for suicidal thoughts, I was able to delete them from my head not a long time ago. I’m better now then before, though still not in my best yet.

    You shouldn’t lose faith like this. There are a lot of good things in life worth living for. Look around you close and you will find some. If you don’t, as in my case once a time ago, love your self. YES LOVE MADELEINE. I taught my self to love my self, so that I would never terminate me.
    It helps, trust me. :hug:
  11. Madeleine

    Madeleine Member

    I know there are many good things in life. The problem is that I can see them and how good they are - but I lost all the energy and motivation to enjoy them. For example, professionally I've been quite successful lately. Now I'm not interested in it, I cannot find any gladness in it and I am terrified of how I will deal with my work and my colleagues after the holidays. I want to lose all my connections with the human race. If a man who once said he loved and he couldn't meet a second time a woman like me (this is what he used to say, the asshole!) behaved like this, what could I expect from the other people?
    It's devastating. I want to quit. I want to find peace. I don't have enough resources to deal with this sufferance.
  12. Madeleine

    Madeleine Member

    It's morning. Oh, blessed daylight! I survived. It's going to be tremendously difficult but maybe I can live through this. :smile:
  13. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    well done for last post

    The emerging of a new dawn is a wondrous sight, I think that I shall try to get up earlier in future to properly see it in.I believe that great inspiration can be drawn from it

    I was pleased to see you refer to your ex as an asshole.Whether true or not, that is your first real step away from him.Up until now you have been thinking of good times only, try instead to focus on some bad times you had and maybe one day you will really feel free

    Focus on all the other aspects of life that make you as you are.. your family,your friends, your work,your hobbies and I think you will find that the dark will go and the dawn will appear
  14. Madeleine

    Madeleine Member

    Actually I have changing moods and that exhausts me. It takes just one little step from a beam of light back to the darkness. You feel that it is the beginning of healing, then you discover that the wound is even deeper than you believed.
  15. afton

    afton Member

    Hi Madeleine,
    In the last month me and my gf had a series of argument and
    this contributes to my depression. Last month is supposed to be
    a cheerful month, including my birthday. But I didn't celebrate
    at all. Xmas, NYE, and my birthday I stayed at home and feel depressed.
    I was even contemplating suicides. We're not officially over yet but almost.

    Well I wish I'm near to give you a comforting hug. For myself, whenever
    that suicidal thought comes up I always imagine how sad would be my
    mom if she ever knew I contemplate such thought. I love my mom
    too much to ever let her down.
  16. lfdy

    lfdy Active Member

    hey madeleine, i am so glad you made it through the night. i know how hard it is to hang on. new years ever has always been the hardest time of year for me. while everyone is out celebrating and looking forward to a new year, the thought of having to live through another year drives me to the brink of suicide every time. thank god i had this forum to talk to someone. this year has to be better. if we focus on positive things then perhaps good vibes will come our way. if we dont then we are screwed. this year has to be different. take it easy today and get plenty of rest and sleep, i find when i am tired my mind plays even more tricks on me. you take care.
  17. Madeleine

    Madeleine Member

    Alas, I can't! And I have to live another hellish night.
    Gee, I so much regret that having a firearm is illegal here, unless you're a hunter and got a license. It's the only method quick, sure and leaving behind the minimum possible mess (compared to jumping from a building, for example). And I don't know many things about drugs and poison. I have to think about it.
    I have these changing moods that scare me. One minute I think that I can live through this, it's not such a big deal, and the other minute, when I miss him, I keep thinking about what method to choose.
  18. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Amazing inspiration for all x
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