As if the reason for this collapse was a singlular event or moment. I disagree. My mom finally talked about my grandma, this was the first time she's ever really talked about her-- and the first time I've ever considered being angry about suicide. I'm moved, not (so much), at the suicide, but rather the similarities my ma says I have to her, someone I've never meet, and who killed herself when I was 1. (I hope I'm not that cruel to my grandchildren when it comes to my turn.) There's a hole in my head that I sometimes like to stick drugs into, the hole clouds up and seems to fill. Then, as should be predicted with such a simple analogy, the hole reopens seemingly deeper then ever before. Cheryl, that was her name, she'd make good friends with intelligent interesting people and then destroy these relationships. She'd move and meet new people. She'd tell my mom as a little girl "don't worry if mama is not around, it's not your fault." I want to leave: my words to my ma "don't worry if your son is not around, it's not your fault." I lose friends because I'm afraid of committing to them, I lose friends when I hide behind apathy for fear of failure. Cherly tried to commit suicide a few times before. She'd learned everything she needed to say to the social worker and would simply recite it. My ma would tell them she's lying, they'd tell my ma there is 'nothing we can do. If she wants to kill herself she will.' It was never one event that did it, it took over fifty years and finally she couldn't take it anymore and off'd herself. I'm not sad, or even angry. I'm just being selfish. My sister-in-law might be carrying twins. My dad found out he has five half brothers and a half sister, I just want a huge family.