When suicide is no longer a feeling but something calculated.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BlackUnderground, Jul 29, 2013.

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  1. BlackUnderground

    BlackUnderground Banned Member

    Watch out i feel really sick and dangerous. Do not read it.

    When you feel depressed often you think of suicide, but often you do not do it. When suicide is seen as something feasible, then you are in real troubles, and this is my situation. If i think about suicide i don't feel depressed, i feel cold like if i have to take a cup of water or something.

    I do not see suicide with cring eyes, i do not weep on myself pretending to kill myself, I see it as a possibility to remedy something that is not gonna change.

    Anxiety and social phobia of course i have them from ages, farmacs such as anti depressant and anti anxiety, they have ruined me, made my mind even more crazy, totally sleeping pills addicted, often I mix them with alchool, to not feel the pain.

    The amount of sleeping pills i take would kill a person, i'm so addicted to them, they have really a few of effect now, this is why i have to mix them. I need to take pills even to go to the bathroom sometimes, because i do not even feel like i can stand up or move.

    I live alone. I had a girlfriend who left me after cheating on me and humiliated, another that I was willing to like, she proved to be as the other ones i liked. I do not care who the fault is, but I know it's not good. I'm full of anger i'm scared to hurt poeple around.

    My job is hard, I don't have a steady job and I'm often sent in a city or in another one, I do not know if I go back, when I go back. Result, I can not even get to know people or do something more. I no longer have the concept of home and when I get home the money I've earned go to fix the things that have broken, also i have to pay caregivers for cleaning, so i can't even same money, often i lose them even if I work, even if i sleep in cheap hotels that cost 10€ at night, eating cheap food for about 4€ at day, and doing nothing else.

    No wife, means no family, no money, means i can't support a family, if i can't get a family, i see no point in living, this is my view.

    I am 32 years old now, a social trash to be thrown away, to steal money from, to be used when needed and trashed when there is no need, useless. I'm not so old, but a person of 32 years who need drugs to keep along with poeple, to handle a job, it is, at least where i live. The beautiful civilization.

    I do not want to kill myself, because I know that it is useless, but I'm unpredictable, and I look at suicide with feasibility.

    Bye.
     
  2. Pertokeyo

    Pertokeyo Banned Member

    The gripping depression that slows you down and makes everything seem difficult is a burden that is horrible to bear, but you accomplish so much by fighting it every day. Stay strong and believe in your strength and determination, which is stronger than anybody I know.
     
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i hope you find a reason to want to keep going.

    life sounds really hard for you, but as said above.. you're doing great fighting it
     
  4. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I would recommend going back to professional support with all of this in mind.

    People here may understand the feelings better, and can offer support along various lines too, and with what you've got here - I'll have a go.

    Having a partner cheat on you, is becoming far too commonplace these days. You will rarely be alone in those experiences - and - as luck would have it, I happened to be cheated on after just 2 weeks by one of my ex's, who the following day asked me for a contact number of a mutual friend, so for that I can sympathise with some of the emotional aspect. Relationships take hard work from both sides - perhaps having a breather from dating may be an idea?

    Anxiety and social phobia - are pretty common amongst many of the other users on this site. One thing I've seen is people retreat to a 'comfort zone', and if they step outside of that, they are almost like a different person. However, in order to reduce the issues of them, would it not be worth trying a few things that are not comfortable - for a notable period of time rather than just one or two occasions? It might seem challenging and a struggle at first, yet it could reap self-esteem rewards, diminishing the effect of the anxiety/social phobia, sometimes even without medication. If you get through it and feel better afterwards - would it not be worth the challenge?

    An example of that is this - I have a friend with anxiety issues, who took time adjusting to new surroundings when I first met up with them. The first few times were new and uncomfortable for them, but over time, they've discovered that they are better for having the extra outlet available

    Some medications can be addictive, depending on how you see them and how you psychologically depend on them. I would hazard a guess that you've become psychologically dependent on your sleeping pills, that you feel you have to take them - but after a period of time, the initial effects can wear off, pulling you back down to almost where you were before (this is where some believe dosages need increasing, but psychological dependency would require professional support to come back from that).

    Mixing what you do, is ill-advised in many circles. Alcohol itself, is a depressant. So although it might seem like it helps, it doesn't. It masks what you truly think and feel, and in a way, prevents you from actively getting out of it. If you're on any anti-depressant medication and drinking alcohol - they near enough negate each other.

    On the job front, is it not possible to look for something a little closer to where your home is, rather than being in one that requires so much travelling and location hopping? It might prove useful, as you wouldn't need to stay in cheap hotels and such. Are you self-employed or employed by a company? Most companies if they require you to move places like that, should have facilities for you to claim back on expenses.

    I hope some of what i've suggested can be useful, and that you may find a way to turn away from the calculated approach you seem to be administering here.
     
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