When suicide is the right thing to do

I believe that there are worse things in life than death. Im very sick. Not like disease sick, but sick in the head. First off, let me say that I have NEVER hurt anybody. I am a pedophile, and turned on by violent sex. My girlfriend broke up with me over the weekend(over other things, she never knew about my issues) and I haven't had an erection for 2 days. Earlier today, I was reading these forums, and came across the rape forum, and sure enough, I became aroused. Again, I've never hurt anyone. The worst i've done is look at picture and videos. I hate myself because of this. I wish there was a button I could press, a switch I could flip to change me. If there was, I would do it in a heartbeat.
There is more than just my sexual mindset. Suicide runs in my family. My father killed himself about 18 months ago, and a close cousin of mine did the same thing 10ish years ago. I could never go to a therapist, because I wouldn't be able to speak the words. I had a hard enough time typing this message to people I don't know and don't have to look in the eye. After my father died, I lost all interest in anything. I quit my job and moved 4000KM away from my friends and family. I maxed out all of my credit cards and other sources of funds so I could leave. I made sure the debt collectors can't find me, but eventually this money will run out. Now im alone, trapped inside of my head, which is an extreamely scary place to be.

 

i don't judge matey, you have admitted that you were wrong, forgive me but i don't wanna ask wot makes you want little girls?..... vu obviously know this is wrong ( i beleive everyone on this fourm deserves a chance) so if u wanna talk add - Zuushi@hotmail.co.uk, but i admire u for your admitance tbh, same as everyone else should, who knows thos fourm togethr may hel you

 

add zuushi@hotmaio.co.uk. ill talk to you, peadophila i wrong, but u admitted it

 

No need to hate yourself. You are not a "bad" person. We all are the way we are for different reasons, sounds like you realize where certain things have come from, like you say suicide runs in your family.
We're all doing the best we can. I say that a lot here, but it's true, we really are. Don't judge yourself or be mad at yourself.

Being into pedophilia and rape usually means there is a feeling that you are not in control. Raping someone or being with a child gives you a feeling of being in control. Children are too helpeless to defend themselves. And if you are raping someone, it feels like you have control.
Powerless is the word my therapist often used and it definitely describes how I've felt.

I used to be and still am into violent sex. I have talked about it with my therapists and I realize all the things I give my power away too. Feeling out of control. Reclaim your own power and take responsibility for yourself and in time you the urges for violent sex and the need to control another should fade.

Again, you are not a bad person. Don't get down on yourself. We're all trying our best.

:hug:

 

these desires don't come from nowhere...

is it possible you were abused in some way as a child? i ask because i am also turned on by violent imagery, although i relate more to the person being abused. for many years i was into s/m which was a 'controlled' way of releasing these feelngs, in a sense. still have come to believe our desires relate to our childhood, for me, there's a pretty direct connection to the abuse i experienced as a child. a good therapist is helping me heal from my crappy childhood. perhaps you might work up the courage to talk to a therapist one day, too. believe me, they have heard it all.

 

you admit these thougts (anonymously but you can admit ) you are in control of these thougts and you want to get better and to get better you have to seek help its a great thing you started here but it wont be enough . You have to go to a professionel about that and the last thing you should be doing is hating yourself because you didn't want these urges , you controled them perfectly and you want to get healed.

 

Thanks for your replies.

I was never abused per se, but there was a time with a babysitter. I've chalked it up to her curiosty and have never felt abused or violated because of it. There have been other sexual quirks in my life that I don't really want to make public, even anonymously, that probably have influenced me. I don't know if I buy into that "people who were abused can become abusers themselves." As lots of other people who were abused go on to live normal happy lives. Sure they'll always have emotional scars, but they don't turn into abusers themselves. That is actually the main deterrent for me hurting other people...I don't want to be someones nightmare. I may not be a bad person, i'd like to think that I would kill myself before ever hurting someone. I have been in situations in the past where I could have abused children, and most likely gotten away with it. I of course resisted those temptations, but the fact those thoughts and feelings entered my mind doesn't exactly make me a good person. I don't even know how many floppy disks, USB thumbsticks, and portable harddrives I have filled with disgusting images. I always end up getting so depressed about them that I throw them away. After that its only a matter of weeks or months until I find myself back at square one. If im ever caught with those images, I will be branded a sex offender, and sentenced to jail. That is another thing that is "worse than death" being labeled a sex offender when i've never actually sexually offended anyone. I'll die before I spend 1 day in jail. I know I should see a therapist, but I don't have the money to take the time to find a therapist that I feel comfortable talking to. When you go to those free places paid for by the province, you pretty much have to talk to whoever your assigned. Im only seeing one way to end this, and right now, it doesn't seem like a bad idea.

 

Pedofilia itself is not wrong. What is wrong, is to hurt someone. No matter, child or grown up. As long as you are not rapist, you should not blame yourself.

Blame the sick puritan society, that made you think that way.

BTW, i have a normal hetero orientation. If there is such thing as "norma", i doubt it...

 

it is time to die when the crops and sun have stopped cultivation. live so you can bring matter and energy to the world or you will be seen as a waste by the detritivores. live it by it reuse it mantra time use it like a motto of you.

 

I read somewhere that sometimes depression can change the way we react
to sexual attraction, sometimes people become pedophiles, but there
are even more things, sometimes people become zoophiles, necrophiles, and even more wierd stuff. For people with mental issues, its really normal.
Even me, i have depression, and my sexuality is far from beeing "normal"
But just like you, i never harmed anyone, and in the end its all that counts.

I really think you should conntact your local social support, ask them to help you, you dont have to tell them about your sexual "issues", just about you depression, and suicidial thoughts. You have to do it becouse only then thay will agree to pay you social support, and provide you with free psychoterapists.
then you should start paying back what you own to your bank, and after a while you will see how you become stronger, and you will feal better.