I believe that there are worse things in life than death. Im very sick. Not like disease sick, but sick in the head. First off, let me say that I have NEVER hurt anybody. I am a pedophile, and turned on by violent sex. My girlfriend broke up with me over the weekend(over other things, she never knew about my issues) and I haven't had an erection for 2 days. Earlier today, I was reading these forums, and came across the rape forum, and sure enough, I became aroused. Again, I've never hurt anyone. The worst i've done is look at picture and videos. I hate myself because of this. I wish there was a button I could press, a switch I could flip to change me. If there was, I would do it in a heartbeat. There is more than just my sexual mindset. Suicide runs in my family. My father killed himself about 18 months ago, and a close cousin of mine did the same thing 10ish years ago. I could never go to a therapist, because I wouldn't be able to speak the words. I had a hard enough time typing this message to people I don't know and don't have to look in the eye. After my father died, I lost all interest in anything. I quit my job and moved 4000KM away from my friends and family. I maxed out all of my credit cards and other sources of funds so I could leave. I made sure the debt collectors can't find me, but eventually this money will run out. Now im alone, trapped inside of my head, which is an extreamely scary place to be.