When talking fails

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sunnypseudo, Apr 22, 2016.

  1. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    I finally talked to my spouse yesterday. Talking to him even about small things is extremely difficult because he has held a pattern, many in fact that has proven to me that talking is ineffective but its what I'm supposed to do right? He doesn't like touch, giving it or receiving it from me. Yes me specifically. He's very affectionate with the children, plays with them constantly, hugs them ect, but doesn't do that with me at all. Two days ago I guess I crossed a line trying to hug him, wanting to be touched, I like listening to his heart beat and I feel safer in his arms, he pushed me away and stated as he likes to that he's not going anywhere. Well I fucking know that. Very short conversation there that ended in me stating that he doesn't like to be touched and he said "Sorry". So I very carefully laid out my words yesterday that it bothers me. It bothers me also that any choice or opinion I have that doesn't match his will continue in the same question over and over until I agree. These are life decisions not daily shit. I told him that not wanting to touch me or wanting me to touch him is painful. There is no rejection quite that that. I said I've already given up so much. None of what I said was hateful, I didn't raise my voice, shit I didn't even cry which is a first. And what was I met by? Silence all night. This is why it doesn't pay to talk. On the other hand my stomach didn't kill me last night so I guess it helped a little bit.
     
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Firstly, even if you didn't get the immediate response you wanted, I think you did the right thing in talking to him; communication is important.
    Maybe he needs some time to process what you told him?

    Has he told you why he doesn't like being touched? Maybe there is a trauma behind it? It's something I struggle with too... and I'm personally scared it will harm my relationship with my boyfriend when he moves up here...
    But maybe you can work together on this? Maybe you need to learn each other's boundaries... find 'safe spots' on him you can touch, let him guide you where it's safe... develop a 'stop word' if he can't handle a touch anymore.

    It will most likely be a slow process, but I think it would be good for him, as well as you.
     
  3. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    From what I know, he's been like that since birth. His own mother couldn't cuddle him as a baby. I know he was physically abused for a short time as a child and I would guess it has something to do with it but he would never admit to it. But seeing as how this pattern was there before he was ever hit by an adult, I really believe its just part of his personality.

    If our past is any indicator, patterns if you will, he will never have a rebuttal or voiced opinion about anything I said, because he never does. He sits silently then pretends like I never said anything. I hope this time is different, but I am not expecting anything. I agree communication is important but if its a conversation that deals with us or anything of importance he says nothing and never has. As much as I agree that learning boundaries are important his boundary equals eff-off. I don't know if its pride or disinterest that keeps him from even trying. His only interests, the only things he puts effort into are his motorcycle, working out, and his children. Now that I've given him everything he wants and make it possible to do whatever he wants, I don't even show up on his radar.