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When the bubble bursts...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by everedge, Jun 21, 2010.

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  1. everedge

    everedge New Member

    ...the world I have to deal with is just too harsh. I live in a self-imposed bubble which consists of staying home and talking to and dealing with as few people as possible. The only people I do talk to (voluntarily) are my immediate family. I've been on antidepressants since I had a breakdown 10 years ago and have used either drink or drugs to take away the pain for at least 20 years. Since my breakdown it has been almost exclusively cannabis that I use to numb the emotions and let me drift through life with little or no chance of confrontation, disruption or upset. But my supplier has disappeared and when you're as reclusive as I am, what do you do? For the past two weeks it has felt as if the emotional blanket that I hide under has been slowly lifted and the world of people which I hide from is revealing itself to me once again and I can't bear it. I had a choice 10 years ago...to die or to exist as best I could. I chose the latter because of the upset my dying would cause but that decision came with conditions. I finally gave up on trying to be a functional "normal" person and realised that the only way for me to carry on was to be away from people and the only way I could possibly do that and be reasonably happy was to create a bubble around me which no-one could breach. But like I said, when the bubble bursts and your forced out the pain is just too much to bear.
    I could go on and on forever about what hurts me...a riot of personal and worldly issues...but right now I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up! I don't cry but today my eyes welled up and the sadness I feel nearly broke the dam!
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    When we isolate ourselves we destroy ourselves. I want to believe that I need no one. Yet I am here on this forum. Now that the bubble has burst, Why not rebuild your bubble again? It will be hard but you can make a new one, a better one.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Good to cry let the dam tears out the pain out finally let it go so healing can be done Call your doctor let know you need something to help calm you something legal there are meds that can do that. okay don't suffer get proper help okay now.
  4. everedge

    everedge New Member

    Tonight I cried for the first time this century. God it hurts doesn't it? I usually stay up till the sun comes up but I'm exhausted and going to bed soon. I just hope that tomorrow I find a shred of strength and motivation to pick myself up. I'm a depressive but this is the worst I've felt for a few years. I do occasionally run out of weed and get a bit grumpy but this episode has come out of nowhere. I'm flipping between despair and self loathing and my brain is firing a thousand thoughts a second. I'm a mess!

    @Forgotten_Man...Thankyou. I think I just wish I didn't need anyone but I know I do. I find anything but the shallowest/briefest interaction with people difficult. I run scared from meaningful relationships and am therefore not a good friend...I let people down. You're right, my bubble is seriously flawed. I have to protect myself but not like this!

    @~violet~...Thankyou. I hope you're right about crying being healing. What I do know is that it's exhausting! I've been to numerous doctors and therapists over the years but my cynicism has always gotten the better of me and I've never really let the help in. If I could change that then maybe there's hope for me yet. Like a lot of depressives (I think) I'd make a good counsellor but can't apply my advice to myself. Look where believing that I know best has got me! The changes I need to make seem insurmountable and have been the same for years. I know what I need to do but it's the not knowing where I'll end up that scares and paralyzes me.

    Thankyou both for your support!
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