...the world I have to deal with is just too harsh. I live in a self-imposed bubble which consists of staying home and talking to and dealing with as few people as possible. The only people I do talk to (voluntarily) are my immediate family. I've been on antidepressants since I had a breakdown 10 years ago and have used either drink or drugs to take away the pain for at least 20 years. Since my breakdown it has been almost exclusively cannabis that I use to numb the emotions and let me drift through life with little or no chance of confrontation, disruption or upset. But my supplier has disappeared and when you're as reclusive as I am, what do you do? For the past two weeks it has felt as if the emotional blanket that I hide under has been slowly lifted and the world of people which I hide from is revealing itself to me once again and I can't bear it. I had a choice 10 years ago...to die or to exist as best I could. I chose the latter because of the upset my dying would cause but that decision came with conditions. I finally gave up on trying to be a functional "normal" person and realised that the only way for me to carry on was to be away from people and the only way I could possibly do that and be reasonably happy was to create a bubble around me which no-one could breach. But like I said, when the bubble bursts and your forced out the pain is just too much to bear. I could go on and on forever about what hurts me...a riot of personal and worldly issues...but right now I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up! I don't cry but today my eyes welled up and the sadness I feel nearly broke the dam!