When the fighter is gone

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by total eclipse, Aug 6, 2009.

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  1. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i just emotion physically exhausted lie in bed nothing left in me
    just so hard to explain just know every part of me has given up
    even now physically somethings wrong going for test examines who cares really
    i feel death is coming not by my hands but gods i know i am dying hell im already dead and i just don't have the energy in me as i said the fighter is gone now she won't come back she has fought all the dam battles the dam wars she has fought and won so many times but one needs to know when to surrender when fighting is just not an option anymore The fighter is dead and soon will be the shell it protected for all these years. i want peace please just emotional peace is that so much to ask so nauseated so weak nothing left.
     
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    You say the fighter is dead but she's not, even though you feel like you're not fighting anymore you still are. It's seriously difficult to dig yourself out of a dark hole when you're in one, and it can take a lot of time but with the right help and support I'm sure you'll get there. Do you have anyone you can talk to?

    Why are you feeling like this? Am here if you'd like to talk. :hug:
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I dont have anyone as my therapist is gone for another week still not sure if i will go back as it all seems so useless now.
    My twin gone my daughter gone and it seems with out them i am falling deeper into this downward spiral. I need them to be here but it was not healthy as it seems we were intertwined
    i am ill now and worried about test feel maybe somthing is terrible wrong cancer perhaps Ive lost weight good thing fro size 18 to 13 in month i just am a wreck no energy don't want to go on.
    I use to be able to talk tosomeone but that was cut off no more going there
    i am having more flashbacks now my twin and daughter gone too much time and it seems the past is getting harder to keep there
    I just want it all to stop i want it all to go away i need it all to go away make it all go away.
    why can't i fight anymore i am just to tired to weak too old and i now see noone needs me they are getting better that i am grateful for then why am i soo dam sad because all my fighting has paid off for them my twin and daughter are now surviving
    i am rambling on but know in my heart i can't do this much longer I just want someone to tell me how to just keep it all buried how to stop people from hurting me i want to go back and scream and yell at him but i won't
    I won't give anyone that satisfaction of seeing they cause me anything
    I know now i have noone and that okay because it will be easier just to go away if i do have cancer i won't fight it i will let it take me as it is god answer to my prayers He has saw my suffering and is giving me peace
    I just want peace never hurt anyone why did they chose to hurt me.
    never again mary i told you not to trust anyone you never listen
     
  4. Violetm

    Violetm Guest

    Just think it is better now to stop the fight to fade away cant even logg in so i can put my thoughts in private dairy will find another way to do this. Why did he have to delete all of me i am useless now just tired noone will ever hurt me again noone will ever throw me away bann me lock me out no one because i won't give anyone that power again i will be the one to go away it will be my choice this time i will take control away from all of them i will have the peace i want i will never be intimitated judged used do you hear me never because i am not her anymore i am not her god never again. Wish i could make them understand the pain inside but he never saw it why when the others did they saw it but followed him it doesn't matter i never needed anyone nor will i ever sorry ranting again wish i could get back into private diary soorrry mind is not shutting down but will leave now take care everyone please stay well
     
  5. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there ..
    ur posts have really touched me.. i hope u are ok ??
    please dont give up.. u have us here.. we care about u.. i care about u .. u have become such an important person here! please stay strong.. :hug:
    do u know why u cant log in? have u contacted an admin/moderator?
    i will ask someone and post back here..
    please stay safe x
     
  6. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    just been told u are able 2 log in now :) ..
    will send u a pm .. x
     
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    ~violet~ having so much time alone can really cause a problem for some of us. You need something to distract your mind so it is not allowed to ruminate in those dark places. So often all we want is to be by ourselves because we are so tired and down and don't feel up to people. What we feel and what we need are completely opposite things. I don't know what you have for a support system, but you need to get yourself somewhere that forces you to change your focus. Go back and read some of the things you have posted to other members. Apply what you have said to yourself. Always easier from the outside isn't it? Your advice is generally sound :) :hug:
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thanks for your help mandy who ever you contacted it worked. able to get to private jounal so it has helped I know i have to keep going but i wish i could just push the switch to off sometimes Dam brain dam emotions god i know i am not her anymore so all this doesn't make sense. I have the ideal place and means a most peaceful and beautiful way but how how when i know god i know it will destroy them god. Maybe the time will show itself but not today not yet.
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i know i have to find a place to go where noone will see this i will the private journal willnot always be there and besides i have always been able to look out for me. always tell me smarten up grow up get you act together i will thanks gentlelady
     
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Just thought maybe you could use a few extra hugs :) :grouphug: :hug:
     
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thanks :hug: back to you to
     
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