When the Ones Closest Don't Care

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by rtrt46546565, Oct 8, 2013.

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  1. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    The closest person to me is my mom. Not close in the sense that we bond and all that, but I've lived with her all my life, and well, she's my mom. My mom doesn't care about my problems. Honestly. She doesn't care that I'm depressed, she doesn't care that I have anxiety, and she doesn't even care that I'm suicidal. I could go into great detail about how I know this, but I don't wanna make this a super long post. But I will say this much... There have been multiple times when I've come to her, crying, expressing how shit I feel and how badly I wanna kill myself, and she didn't even stop playing her Facebook game, or some other non-important thing, to even look at me, nor did she even really say anything. There have been multiple times, while expressing those things, when she just ignored me and left the room like what I was saying wasn't important at all, or just tried changing the subject instead of talking about it with me. There have been multiple times, even while knowing how bad my social anxiety is, when she's acted like I'm making it up. When she's told me to just get over it, go get a job, stop being lazy, stop exaggerating, etc., instead of trying to understand my issue and help me through it.

    Anyway, I'm just wondering how many of you are in a similar situation, where the people closest to us just don't seem to care. Why do you think that is? How do you deal with it? How does it make you feel? Etc....
     
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Oh wow, that sounds like my mom...doesn't seem to give a damn at all. In fact, I can't think of a single person in my life who would care if I died. Definitely makes it hard to find a reason to stay alive. I have bad coping mechanisms, but I guess I do have some good ways to deal with things. I'm sorry that your mom treats you this way, because you don't deserve it at all. I know it's hard but I would just try to ignore her negativity and putdowns.
     
  3. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    ^Sorry to hear your mom is similar. :( It's really a shame, too, because our parents can be so great for us but sometimes they're really bad for us.

    If I may ask, even your other family members wouldn't care if you died? Have they shown this? I obviously don't know how they feel, but I hope they do care about your life because, like you said, not having people who care, especially close people, does make it hard to find a reason to stay alive.

    Yeah, ignoring her is, unfortunately, pretty much all I can do at this point. We rarely even talk because I don't even feel connected with her at all because of how she doesn't care about me.
     
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Well, I don't really hear from other relatives, but my sister doesn't have anything to do with me (and I'm not sure why), my grandpa is just a mean person, and my uncle is often talking about how stupid people are if they kill themselves. So I know that no one else would care, even people who call themselves friends. I get told that I shouldn't die because they care about me, and yet they hurt me as much as possible. I don't want to stay alive, and no one else seems to be giving me any good reason to. I can understand not feeling connected to her, I'm the same with my mom. I just stay holed up in my room and avoid people as much as possible, that way I won't be bothered.
     
  5. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    ^Have you tried asking your sister why she doesn't?

    That's a tough position to be in, your family not caring about you, or, at least, not showing interest enough that they do. That's exactly how it is with me and my family. The way I deal with it is by thinking pretty much "Forget them then." I decided a long time ago that if they don't care about me, or if they're not willing to show interest enough that they do, then I just need to move on from them and try to find people who do care. Family is supposed to be this sacred bond but that's not always the case. Sometimes the people you need in your life aren't the ones you initially get. I know that type of thinking seems harsh, but that's how I deal with my family situation. I guess it's my coping mechanism.

    Yup, holed up in my room, avoiding people is me, too.
     
  6. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I can't seem to get in touch with her...she lives in the same town as me, but even her closest friends have no idea where she is. I only know that she lives with some guy, but I have no idea what his name is, so I can't contact him to ask him about my sister. She has a Facebook but no info, so I guess she never uses it. I wrote her a letter a few years ago with my cell number, but she never got in contact. She knows my address and phone number, so I guess contacting is all up to her, and hopefully someday she will do that.

    I stopped caring about my family too, because if they don't give a damn about me, then I won't care about them either. It seems like every time I get to know someone, I'm used or betrayed, so I'm reluctant to get to know anyone else. I just want something that makes me truly happy and for it to stay in my life. All I know is loss and hurt and that doesn't help me want to stick around. I hope that you will be able to find people who truly care for you.
     
  7. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    ^Oh, okay. Well then yeah, seems it's up to her at this point.

    Yeah, I think, and I may be wrong, that's the best way to think about it for people in our situation. If family doesn't care about you, why care about them? If they don't take interest in you, why take interest in them? If they don't take time out for you, why take time out for them? Etc., etc.. Life is too short to waste energy on those who aren't good to/for you.

    I can definitely relate to being betrayed, being used, loss and hurt. I've known so many people, had so many friends, had so many good things happening with people, and it all turned to shit. But we can't give up. I just want that something that sticks around and makes me happy, too, and we gotta keep trying for it. Yeah, there are lots of shit people out there, but if we give up on the count of them, we might miss the good ones.
     
  8. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Thanks for your sentiments, but I don't see much point in sticking around. My mere existence seems to be a problem to most people. I have been told by a few people today what a bad person I am, but I haven't even done anything wrong. Everything I do and say seems to be misinterpreted for some reason. I'm in a bad place today but I always have been. Sorry that I wrote so much here, this is your thread after all, and I'm sure I'm being annoying. I wish you all the happiness in the world, because you deserve it, and I know you'll find it.
     
  9. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    It might not be unconcern or non caring, sometimes (and I speak as a mum) it's hard for a parent to face up to a child's pain, especially if they don't know how to help.
    When a child is young it is so much easier, a scrapped knee can be healed with a plaster and a hug, but a hurt mind can throw up feelings of being a bad parent, guilt that it's something you (the parent) did or didn't do, or just plain fear of what your child will say or do next.
    That said, avoiding the situation isn't going to make it go away, so somehow you need to convey what's happening with you in a way that doesn't make her shut down.
    Not knowing your mum I don't know what would work for the best, but when ever my son has stated that he's unhappy or his life was in the toilet I always tried to find practical help for him; getting him into college, seeing our GP etc.
    Perhaps if you worded it as "mum I need help/ need to see a doctor" she might be more able to put her own guilt or fears to one side.

    And Witty, I know we're not much, but you will always have us.
     
  10. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    ^^Sorry most people make you feel that way, and that's really awful people would actually tell you that you're a bad person, but why not just forget them then? I'm sure it's probably not easy to do that if you're constantly having to deal with those things, but just fuck those people then. Don't waste your energy on people who will bring you down, spend it on trying to find people who won't, people who are right for you. And you might think that there are no people for you but there are. I believe we all have people, somewhere out there, that will accept us for who we are and won't bring us down, we just gotta find them.

    Don't be sorry. I made this thread for communication and we're communicating. Feel free to post as much or as little in my threads as you want to. ;)


    ^Yeah, I can understand that. And of course, since I'm not a parent, I can't fully relate to those feelings. However, I can't help but feel that parents(Or just close people in general.) should put their guilt/fears aside even if only to show SOME attention towards the situation. But just simply ignoring it and being completely uncaring just seems wrong to me.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 8, 2013
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    It is wrong, and I as a parent could no more ignore my son than I could stop breathing, but my own mother has a wonderful ability to brush things aside, so I do know how you feel when it happens.
    I guess we each deal in our own way, but that doesn't get you the help you need and want and that is something she does need to address.
     
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Matt, My first two thoughts were this: first, I am so sorry you are not being heard. And that your pain is not being recognized by your mom. Thats a terrible feeling. Second. my thought was that perhaps your mom has coped with her own problems by pushing them aside. case in point, playing facebook games instead of listening to your own kid. Sometimes people at an early age decide the only way they can get through things is to hide aka stuff everything. And so they do. They end up building walls so they will never have to get near the pain. Eventually the investment in never allowing the pain to get near, that they push away all pain from people. or the people they are the closest to. eg Never get near the pain of your kid. Because that would be too close to the pain you have been stuffing. I am not excusing her by any means. But it could be the explanation. She could be very wounded herself. And is not strong enough to face her own wounding. So she pushes away your pain. Just a thought. of course I do not know if I am right about this. :hug:

    Witty, I care. But I think you know that. I am sorry someone said mean things to you yesterday. You certainly do not deserve that kind of treatment :hug:

    Terry, I bet you are a good mum. And yes all mums sure do fall short at times, knowing how to deal with the pain of their older chidlren. Its just part of being a parent. :hug:
     
  13. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Thank you, flowers, and thank you Terry :hug: I hope things get better for you, Matt, and for everyone else who has to deal with anything like this. It's not right, and especially at our lowest, we need caring and supportive people in our lives. I just hope we can find them.
     
  14. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    @Terry: Thanks for understanding. :) It's nice to hear, especially coming from a mom, that I'm not wrong on this.

    @flowers: You definitely could be right about that. It has crossed my mind. And I don't mean to seem like the bad guy, like I can't understand what she might be going through, but Idk because she doesn't tell me anything. We've been rarely talking to each other for a long time now. And now that I think about it, I don't think she's ever opened up to me about anything at all.

    @Witty: Agreed. And I hope we find them, too.
     
  15. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Matt, you are not a bad guy. You need a mom to not dismiss you. Thats a legitimate and appropriate need. If in fact my guess turns out to be right, then the rejection will not have ever been about you. It will have been about her. While that does not make the hurt and pain go away, it might help a teeny bit in the future to see that the rejection came from her wounding. And not because of who you are.

    But honestly, it doesnt change the hurt now. And it never ever is an excuse for what she has done. Just an area where after working on it with a therspist in the future, it might be helpful to your healing. But please never think that you are a bad guy because of not being able to see under her behaviors. Its not your job to do that :hug: Yoiur job is to find ways to figure out that you are worthy of all that is good, incuding being heard on the deepest levels. Now, theres quite a job for anyone who has been dismissed. Yes?
    ps if you find out how to do that, please let me know. I could use some helpful hints in that dept :)
     
  16. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    ^Thank you for your kind words. :hug:
     
  17. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    My family doesn't care about my problems either. But then, that doesn't really apply to this post, because my family was never very close to me to begin with. In fact, nobody is that close to me anymore. The only person who was close to me is dead.

    My mother "talks" to me about once a month, if I'm "lucky". And by "talks", I mean she sends me a text message. Yeah. Real personal shit. Then she tells me she "loves" me.

    The heavy use of quotation marks is intentional.
     
  18. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    ^I'm sorry that your family doesn't care, and that you lost the only person who was close to you. I hope this isn't outta line or anything, but at least you got to enjoy having someone close for a time. Alotta people have never even had one person close to them.

    My mom and I don't ever have serious discussions, but we do say a few words to each other here and there more than once per month, but I can definitely relate to the "loves" me thing. Mine will say she does, but she doesn't act like it even in the slightest. I honestly think mine doesn't love me. I think she just deals with me because she feels she has to, being her kid and all.
     
  19. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am very sorry she is like that. so many people have no clue what love is. they use the word. But back it up with no action. too many people are incapable of being a proper parent. They are incapable of love.
     
  20. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I don't know if I'll find anyone who truly cares about me, but I feel that you will. I hope everyone else finds the same. I don't think I will because what people really feel about me is so far beyond what I would have ever thought. I never thought so much hatred could be directed my way for no reason.
     
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