When the only exit possible is not a good one

[AngiemelMC]

I don't really know how to start my topic.
I'm a 39yo woman, married, no kids (we can't have kids with my husband and this issue was the start of my depression).
I had also a good job until two years ago and I lost it, this was when my depression became really bad.
My life is a real chaos right now, both personally and professionally.
I don't know how to go through this because to me the only exit possible is death.
I'm completely lost and I'm also ashamed because all the things that are going bad in my life right now are more than 100% my fault.
And I can't go back in time and fix them, this is too late.
It's a shame too to be a grown adult and to not be able to find the courage to resolve all of your problems.
Things are going too heavy.

 

[MisterBGone]

Hello,
And Good Day!!! :^)
Thank you for sharing your story. . . I’m very sorry to hear of your troubles—if you & your Husband have a good Marriage, & still want to have kids - just letting you know (not that you already didn’t) that adoption is an option. How do I know this? Because I was! Adopted—that is. . ;^)
Wishing you well & hoping you can find some relief from your pain & your worries soon!
mr. b~

 

[SkyTree]

Hi! The only exit is not death. Just have hope for the future even though you do not know how to manage in the present. Something will come up! Everyone, no matter their age, has trouble dealing with their problems and what they have done in the past (including myself). You're not the only one so don't feel bad! We are all here for you!

 

[KindaOtiose]

Hi. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment.

Not being able to have a child must be extremely upsetting for you if you want one badly. I have no idea what "unable to have a child" means specifically, but there are other options if you are unable to get pregnant naturally, such as IVF (which will allow you to have a child that is biologically your own), sperm donors and adoption.

Nothing is unfix-able and death is never the only option. Although your problems may seem overwhelming and unfix-able now, it is fixable and things can get better for you. There is always hope. There is no need to feel shame either; no-one is perfect.

Have you considered options such as therapy or medication before? Have you tried reaching out to your husband about the way you are feeling? These things may help you.

I hope things can get better for you. Sending hugs .

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're going through this Angie

It's a shame too to be a grown adult and to not be able to find the courage to resolve all of your problems

I think sometimes we're made to think that that we're supposed to deal with everything in life on our own, but realistically, everyone needs help in life.

If you had a child and you got your job back, or something similar, do you feel like it would solve the problem?

 

[KM76710]

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story. This is a good place where I believe if you stick around you may find others who can help you along your way through this tough time.

 

[GMody]

We all have up's and down's in life. Things do get better. Do not lose hope. I too feel sometimes death be is the only way out. In my case I have two young kids so death however attractive is not an option. Have. you considered therapy. I just started mine. A good therapist can help you. Keep posting here.

 

[Lost and alone 1968]

Sorry to hear feeling down and thank you for sharing
I look at this every time I start feeling the same way you are right now. Hope it helps.
If things look hopeless, make sure your not facing the wrong direction.
Hugs

 

[AngiemelMC]

Hello and thank you very much for all of your replies.
Regarding the infertility issues, I've had considered adoption before but unfortunately it was a "big no" for my husband. And I can't adopt alone.
About the therapy solution, I only begin to think about it; I'm not really great regarding all the communication thing and I normally am a shy person.
It makes me inconfortable to speak to a stranger about my issues (it is not the same thing to "write" to some strangers about our problems because we are behind our screen computer so it's easier), but I know therapy sessions could probably help.
Someone asked me if I had had a child and if I still had my job, everything will be ok: I guess it would be ok. My depression starts slowly with the infertility issues and it really became out of control when I lost my job.
Days are up and downs for everybody but it's tough to keep your head up when your days are all really downs since long time.
It's like I'm drowning and everytime I try to get to the surface in order to breath a little, there's big waves on big waves which keep coming.
Like a nightmare without an end.
(ps: sorry if I make some language mistakes, english is not my birth language - French is).

 

[MisterBGone]

Hello and thank you very much for all of your replies.
Regarding the infertility issues, I've had considered adoption before but unfortunately it was a "big no" for my husband. And I can't adopt alone.
About the therapy solution, I only begin to think about it; I'm not really great regarding all the communication thing and I normally am a shy person.
It makes me inconfortable to speak to a stranger about my issues (it is not the same thing to "write" to some strangers about our problems because we are behind our screen computer so it's easier), but I know therapy sessions could probably help.
Someone asked me if I had had a child and if I still had my job, everything will be ok: I guess it would be ok. My depression starts slowly with the infertility issues and it really became out of control when I lost my job.
Days are up and downs for everybody but it's tough to keep your head up when your days are all really downs since long time.
It's like I'm drowning and everytime I try to get to the surface in order to breath a little, there's big waves on big waves which keep coming.
Like a nightmare without an end.
(ps: sorry if I make some language mistakes, english is not my birth language - French is).

@AngiemelMC
Your English is excellent!
i understand and hear your hesitancy towards therapy & disclosing private thoughts—or any thoughts, for that matter, as being “uncomfortable,” or unsettling. But believe it or not! There are a great many who are dealing with this very same thing—& maybe even have crippling social anxiety, or whatever else, inhibits them - makes them nervous, around others, etc. some people are just weary of speaking to a professional about their problems, in general, especially if they are not used to opening up about their “feelings,” and etc.

but what makes them work so well — & is one reason you should consider — is that it is precisely or exactly this “objective,” view of your life & it’s issuers that makes it so effective. In other words, they’re not going to be emotionally “crushed,” by any tragedies or horror stories you may have, because you are not their “friend / coworker / family member & etc.” whereas, with all of those other kinds of relationships, even if they are professionals themselves, because they know you in a different light - friend / family - (they will then have a “subjective,” view of you. In other words, “Oh! Well, that’s just so & so... you know her?! Right!? Okay well we’ve already got our minds halfway made up based on our previous history together. So our view is colored before hand! : )
Bon voyage! ; ) mein French isnt nicht so gut...
anyway... “food for thought!”

 

[MisterBGone]

Correction: “Issuers” should read, “issues!” ; ) ...which is pretty good, for me - only one typo (that I can see...)

 

[MisterBGone]

They can also help with a “life raft,” / “life vest,” / & be a “Life Saver,” of sorts, in this struggle with the water in which you mention (the ‘drowning!’) : ) good luck 🍀

 

[may71]

Hello and thank you very much for all of your replies

You're welcome!

Regarding the infertility issues, I've had considered adoption before but unfortunately it was a "big no" for my husband

Aside from his refusal to adopt, how you do you feel about your marriage?

sorry if I make some language mistakes

Nothing to worry about, your english is very good

 

[KM76710]

Hello and thank you very much for all of your replies.
Regarding the infertility issues, I've had considered adoption before but unfortunately it was a "big no" for my husband. And I can't adopt alone.
About the therapy solution, I only begin to think about it; I'm not really great regarding all the communication thing and I normally am a shy person.
It makes me inconfortable to speak to a stranger about my issues (it is not the same thing to "write" to some strangers about our problems because we are behind our screen computer so it's easier), but I know therapy sessions could probably help.
Someone asked me if I had had a child and if I still had my job, everything will be ok: I guess it would be ok. My depression starts slowly with the infertility issues and it really became out of control when I lost my job.
Days are up and downs for everybody but it's tough to keep your head up when your days are all really downs since long time.
It's like I'm drowning and everytime I try to get to the surface in order to breath a little, there's big waves on big waves which keep coming.
Like a nightmare without an end.
(ps: sorry if I make some language mistakes, english is not my birth language - French is).

You are doing great for English as not your born language. I love learning new languages myself and speak four of them including my native English, five if you count Texan with all the slang.

 

[AngiemelMC]

Hello and sorry my late reply.
Regarding the question about how I feel about my mariage, I felt really confident in the future of my mariage and our life as a couple before the infertility struggle begins.
Everything was great.
But when this issue began, it became a collapsing house of cards.
Now there is something broken in our relationship; the love and the feelings are still there but there is this big gap between us.
I know that a lot of people on this forum have a lot of problems which are more important than mines, and I'm sorry.
But the truth is I don't know how to break this infernal circle...
Regarding to find a job, it will be great if I had a job of course; but my confidence is not there anymore and I think my professional skills are not there anymore too.
So I don't have the strengh to kick my ass myself right now.
I'm ashamed to tell that I've tried to suicide myself last week (hanging) but I've felt. Miserably.

 

[may71]

I know that a lot of people on this forum have a lot of problems which are more important than mines, and I'm sorry

Hey, there's nothing to be sorry about. There's no contest about who's got it the worst. If posting here helps, you're using SF the right way. This is what SF is for.

I'm ashamed to tell that I've tried to suicide myself last week

Sorry that this happened. It's sad that you felt bad enough to make an attempt, but I don't think there's any reason to feel ashamed about it. It's really important to stay safe, but I don't think shame has to be part of that.

Do you think your husband would be willing to go to couples counseling with you? Individual counseling might be a good idea too.

I wonder if being a foster parent on a short-term basis might be an option. Your husband might agree if it doesn't represent a long-term commitment, and he might warm up to the idea of being a parent on a long-term basis.

 

[may71]

Hugs Angie

 

[alixer]

I hope you’re well and whatever you couldn’t fix you were able to release and move on from. You mentioned courage. Sometimes it’s not something we tap into but rather something that we have because there is no other alternative. I like this quote from MASH: “You know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, it’s somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.”