I have struggled and tried, REALLY TRIED for 6 months to try and live this new life thrust upon me. I can't do it anymore. My coping skills are gone. Everyday it seems like more and more bad news...and I know that in the days and weeks and months to come, things are only going to get worse. Most of my problems are financial. Although there is this pending divorce court date on 3/16 where we enter phase 2 of the dissolution. I know longer have the mental toughness or physical strength to try for another day. I know I am supposed to be strong and be there for my children and my Mom and Dad and all those who care, but in the end....no one can help me. In the end...it's just me. Alone with my pain, alone with the burden of watching all that I have worked for, for the past 25 years slip away. I have thought that maybe I could just drink myself to death, but that is a slow drawnout process. I thought about a couple of methods I could use, however I don't want a traumatic death. And those methods would be bloody. I am afraid of heights, so I can't jump off of anything. I am afraid of water, so I can't drown myself. I guess it boils down to what I was originally going to do. And when I get off work today, I am going to the local hardware store, and will buy the needed item. I am going to go home. Shower ( I too want a clean corpse) eat my last dinner, drink a little, write a note and place it on my apartment door, and then go to the nearest park to find a suitable tree. I don't want people talking me out of this. I just want this to end. My life is a life of could have beens. But my fuckups have destroyed what should have been a great life. I have a great talent in music. I once ranked as one of the top 5 drummers in the state of Illinois, and that was back in high school!!!!! I could have been a music teacher, but I destroyed that. I could have been a United States Marine, playing in The President's Own Drum and Bugle Corps, but I destroyed that too. I could have had a marriage that lasted for the rest of my life. Destroyed that one as well. The destruction ends tonight.