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When The Sun Comes Up On Friday-I'll Be Gone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Godsdrummer, Mar 5, 2009.

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  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I have struggled and tried, REALLY TRIED for 6 months to try and live this new life thrust upon me.

    I can't do it anymore.

    My coping skills are gone. Everyday it seems like more and more bad news...and I know that in the days and weeks and months to come, things are only going to get worse.

    Most of my problems are financial. Although there is this pending divorce court date on 3/16 where we enter phase 2 of the dissolution.

    I know longer have the mental toughness or physical strength to try for another day.

    I know I am supposed to be strong and be there for my children and my Mom and Dad and all those who care, but in the end....no one can help me.

    In the end...it's just me. Alone with my pain, alone with the burden of watching all that I have worked for, for the past 25 years slip away.

    I have thought that maybe I could just drink myself to death, but that is a slow drawnout process.

    I thought about a couple of methods I could use, however I don't want a traumatic death. And those methods would be bloody.

    I am afraid of heights, so I can't jump off of anything. I am afraid of water, so I can't drown myself.

    I guess it boils down to what I was originally going to do. And when I get off work today, I am going to the local hardware store, and will buy the needed item.

    I am going to go home. Shower ( I too want a clean corpse) eat my last dinner, drink a little, write a note and place it on my apartment door, and then go to the nearest park to find a suitable tree.

    I don't want people talking me out of this. I just want this to end. My life is a life of could have beens. But my fuckups have destroyed what should have been a great life.

    I have a great talent in music. I once ranked as one of the top 5 drummers in the state of Illinois, and that was back in high school!!!!! I could have been a music teacher, but I destroyed that. I could have been a United States Marine, playing in The President's Own Drum and Bugle Corps, but I destroyed that too. I could have had a marriage that lasted for the rest of my life. Destroyed that one as well.

    The destruction ends tonight.
  2. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Think about which one of your children or family members will find you.

    I'm not trying to guilt trip you but suicide is actually contagious. You have more chance of committing suicide if you knew someone who did. Would you want your children to give up and die?

    This descision to kill yourself will ruin your children's lives, make no mistake about it. Your life will get better, you're being impatient. I don't know what you've been through but six months is not a generous deadline for you to get better.

    Please don't do it. You won't just be ending your life, but your childrens.
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    My kids won't find me. They live with their Mom. No one will find me for perhaps weeks or months. I plan on going out into the woods.
  4. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    so it wont affect them?
    course it will. you have kids.. you are responsible for them forever. they need you
  5. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I know they need me.....but I just can't do this...it is too hard.

    Think of it like this. You are out on a hike, exploring the countryside. You have hiked for miles and realize your lost. You are tired and worn out. And the only thing in front of you is a mountain. Shear rock straight up, 1000 feet. If you could get over that mountain, then everything would be ok on the other side. But it's too far to walk around, too high and difficult and impossible to climb.

    That is where I am at. I can't get past this.
  6. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    please don't give up.

    i am in the exact same situation as you. and it makes any past problems, look trivial. this is hugely tough, and the financial hurdle is my biggest issue too.

    it seems impossible. but you will be able to rebuild. it is not even too late for you to pursue your career in music. there are many ways to live that dream. it does not seem possible now...because you are not thinking clearly.
    you are just trying to relieve your pain and suffering.

    you must continue to see your children's faces. please do NOT leave them a legacy of suicide. it will cause irreparable damage to them....think about that.
    deep inside you know that. and you don't want to leave them. they deserve a daddy. . . no matter if he has money or not. and you can be an example to them if you stay, and build yourself back up.

    right now, it seems too hard. i know that. but lean on us and stay. please do not go. pm me if you want to talk. i'll wait with you. pm someone else that you trust. or keep writing here.

    hold on to that part deep inside of you - that wants to stay. that wants to parent your children and be there for them. that part that posted this... that part is strong and courageous.... and you can use that strength to pull yourself out of this dark and scary valley. i know you can.
    we will be here for you xxx:console:
  7. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    you can.. there is always a way..
    6 months is not enough time to get past what you have been going through and you cannot say hand on heart that you have tried every med, every therapy every way to change things for yourself. try something else if those ways you tried are not working...you owe it to yourself and your kids...
  8. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Therapy and meds cost money. I do have health insurance but the copays are too much. Part of the reason why I am in such a financial hole now.

    Also got my electric bill yesterday. Frickin thing was 4 times higher now that I am in my new apartment than it was in my old one. I knew it was going to be a bit more, but 4 TIMES!!!!

    I can't even take a shower in the mornings. It is all I can do to get up out of bed. I cry all the way to work. 45 miles of it.

    And now it looks like I wont be able to attend the court date on the 16th as I can't get the time off approved at work.

    There is so much on my plate right now....I just can't. :sad:
  9. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    you need antidepressants.. would make things more bearable. some therapy is free if you look even in the usa...
    you are grieving your partnership ending.. give it time you can get through it.
    why wont your insurance cover antideps?
  10. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ....try again, re work and the court date.

    OR you can call in sick. i mean, come on. go to the doctor and get a note before you go into court, or after....if your employer needs a note.
    (that is very wrong of them to not excuse your absence for a court appearance) check with them again on that. you need to be at the court date.
    soliliquies is right with everything she has said. i just wanted to chime in re th court date. . .
  11. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Um I am on antidepressants. I take lexapro and abilify. I am just now in a couple of days finishing up the samples they gave me. When I got my samples filled at the local pharmacy, the dude told me that with my insurance the copay on abilify for a 30 day supply is $100.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I can't get in to see my Docs because I owe $65 in copays from previous visits to my therapist. I have only met my shrink once, and that was when I was in the hospital for my last big attempt.
  12. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    Rock can be crushed, sure it may take a long time to get through it, but what is on the other side is enough motivation! Now to have the determination, you have to decide. Will you pick up what is in your surroundings and chisel away or will you give up and be defeated?
  13. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I give up.
  14. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    trouble is with anti deps:

    they take a while to work.. they say give up to 6 weeks
    they need be taken regularly without breaks
    and they need to be monitored to get the dosage right
    can you not apply for medicaid or whateer it is there?

    i know you are skint.. but 100$ is nothing to save a life...
  15. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    Please don't give up! If you need to talk, we are here. You can pm me too if you feel you want to. :hug:
  16. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I have been taking those meds for some time now. And in truth all the meds in the world, won't stop my divorce, my car from crapping out or being repoed. And that could happen at some point. All the meds in the world won't give me more money I need to pay the basic living expenses.

    It's not like I can go out and find a better job...the economy sucks too much for that.

    Besides I am the anti-Midas. Everything I touch gets destroyed.

    Like I said in my first post, the destruction ends tonight.

    The only thing...and the only thing, that might keep me around, is that I am not at all happy with my method. Turns out I am picky with how I want to die.

    If only I had the money, I would go and buy a method, that takes but one pull. A moment of courage and then nothing.

    The method I have chosen for today too only takes a moments courage. But there could be several minutes of intense agony and incredibe pain. I am afterall a large man. I weigh in at 230-240 pounds, and I am only 5'6''. And if I dont do this thing right, I could decapitate myself. Not that I care, but I don't want to leave a bloody mess for whomever finds me.

    But I am out of options. I could try pills, but they would have to be OTC's and I would prolly survive that only to spend a week in the hospital before my liver gives out.

    I wish I could just die in my sleep.
  17. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    please don;t. your kids need you and you can turn it around
  18. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ...with your financial situation. . . i think soliliquies is right. you should qualify for medicaid. most county health clinics have low charge...many operate with a sliding/scale fee.
    and yes you have to be on the meds for a few weeks...but into the 2nd week you may see SOME lift..a bit of a ''clearing''. . .that's what my psych just told me.

    and yes. they have to be monitored and adjusted accordingly.

    but they can help.

    you have a huge task in front of you to create your new life. but nothing is impossible. it just seems that way now. take one step at a time.
    there are SO many options...other than dying.
    there are SO many ways to rebound and end up with a better life. but there is no way to rebound from death.

    your kids need you. if you have NO other reason at all....you HAVE to stay for them. kids that grow up without a father have higher rates of drug abuse, alcoholism, and yes, suicide. kids without a father often end up with teen pregnancies and emotional problems. and later in life, they have problems maintaining stable relationships.

    right now you are so scared and in so much pain you can't see this. i know that honey. BUT ..... go get their picture, get it out of your wallet right now. and you will see that THEIR lives depend on YOUR being alive

  19. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I am a bad Father.
  20. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    You are living a life full of past regrets and you are clutching to the past too strongly until you cannot face the future. Whats the point of regretting about the past when you can't change it anymore. You mentioned in one of your earlier threads that you are so happy having bought an LCD TV and that was just days ago and why the sudden turnabout? Okay you were a lousy dad/ husband/ etc....... so change and be a better one. you have financial problems, at this juncture in time, i think you are not the only one alone (millions r in the same predicament now). Suggest you to read the book :" The Law of Money" by Suzy Orman as a start. You know you are no longer a kid or a young man so you have got to be more matured and remain calm. No one can stop you from drinking unless you yourself decide for yourself to stop doing so. If you are tired, rest but you should not quit.
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