When The Sun Comes Up On Friday-I'll Be Gone

[Godsdrummer]

When I got my electric bill yesterday, I panicked and turned off the heat to my apartment.

Your words of encouragement are aprpeciated and they sound wonderful, but I dont have the strengh mentally to get there.

 

[mdmefontaine]

the electric bill being 4x higher than your old one, really sucks.
life rains down on us sometimes....and we become ''disaster magnets''.

why would you say you are a bad father?

i read all your posts/threads, i see you around here all the time. and i have read about how much you love your children.

it is not easy being a parent. all of us parents want the best for our kids but all of us make parenting mistakes. if you LOVE your children with all your heart, and i believe you do....then that is the most important thing.

they will always love you.

they love you today. they are likely at school right now...it's nearly lunchtime and they probably think about you throughout their dad. kids talk about their parents. .. etc. and kids feel secure and loved when they can say ''my dad showed me how to do xxxxx or xxxxxx" they love to have daddy to brag about.

you are so important in their lives.
you MUST internalize this right now. please.

 

[Godsdrummer]

Take Your Pic...

I am a bad father because I destroyed our marriage. I am bad father because I a weak, poor pathetic person.

I am a bad father because I am writing this and wrote my first post on this thread while looking at the pics of my kids.

I am a bad father, because I can't provide for them the way that other guys could.

I am a bad father because I drive a car that I can't afford to repair.

I am a bad father because I am an alcoholic.

I am a bad father because I am going to leave them today.

 

[LastCrusade]

Take Your Pic...

I am a bad father because I destroyed our marriage. I am bad father because I a weak, poor pathetic person.

I am a bad father because I am writing this and wrote my first post on this thread while looking at the pics of my kids.

I am a bad father, because I can't provide for them the way that other guys could.

I am a bad father because I drive a car that I can't afford to repair.

I am a bad father because I am an alcoholic.

I am a bad father because I am going to leave them today.

my pick would be that you're a bad father cos you are opting to run away from your problems by prematurely ending your life and making your children live with the trauma of your suicide for the rest of their lives (if u do take your life). The shame you are going to put them through, the trauma that you are going to put everyone through. Thats not only a bad father but one that only thinks about himself and not think about the ones that he personally brought to this world. Irresponsible one also. Selfish, yes. very. Hope you dont get offended but if you do really take your life, thats my true honest opinion of you.

 

[Stranger1]

Hey FPS,
You are not a bad father..I wasn't there for my daughter for years. Her mom took her to New York and I couldn't move there because there are no jobs there..So I didn't see my daughter for like eight years. She is twenty seven now and she has always known I love her..She moved back down here about a year ago to the other side of the state so I only see her and my grandaughter every now and then..They both know I love them and they have decided to move back over here..
I wasn't able to be there for her but I will make sure I am for my grandaughter..I don't think I am a bad father , I just had circumstances that kept us apart..As long as you love them, then material things don't matter. My daughter tells me that she has no problem with me for not being there and I have no reason not to beleive her..Wait till you have grandkids they will be the joy of your life..That is what keeps me from trying to commit again..
All that matters is love!!!I know you have that so you are not a failure..My therapist always tells me your a failure only if you quit trying..Be there and they will respond in kind..Take care..

 

[Scum]

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. Currently though, I don't think you are a bad father, none of those reasons makes you a bad father. You go through with this, then yeh, you are. I have seen some very messed up people who lost parents to suicide, and to do that, knowing you are probably going to mess your children up makes you a bad father.

HOWEVER, right now you are not a bad father, and you still have a choice, you can choose whether or not to be a bad father, or a good father.

Which is it you want to be?

There will be free support groups around, maybe you could look into them. You could find there are ones for single fathers, or people going through divorces, or those with depression, or whatever. Maybe you could pick up drumming again, it might give you a positive outlet for what you feel.

I don't doubt you are in unbearable pain, but suicide is not your only option, not by a long shot.

You posted this thread, and then said you didn't want to be talked out of it. Can I ask why you posted the thread? What you felt the point of it was? What you wanted from it? I'm glad you did post, but I just want to make sure of what you wanted from the thread.

Please keep talking.

 

[depressed-dad]

i am not guilt tripping i am not trying to change your mind and all i want to say is that i dont know you from adam, but 2-3 days ago i joined and posted on this site and wondered how i would make it through the next day when 24hours prior to my first post i held a <Mod Edit - methods>. was it not you that was the first one to answer my sry for help was it not you that told me that no matter how dark the darkness is now there is a light that would shine through. if there is anyone that knows what you feel right now it is me. i lost 2 family members in the last 2 weeks i know that our lifes are not exactly the same but i do know this without your words that day i may have already been dead. i might have <Mod Edit - methods>...who knows....think of this...you saved a life....is that not something to be proud of an accomplishment....i am here another day because of your words. i know its tough right now money is a part of my struggle but also my health that is the biggest right now. for the last month i have not worked between my derpression and the other issues that i have had. for the last 3-4 weeks i have been a drs pin cushion and guinea pig. had to have my gall bladder removed and yet was still in pain and they began drawing blood for this and that injecting dyes into my bloodstream and had a camera shoved down my throath.....all this on top of not working bills pilling up i have a $1180 mortgage and i have not paid it in 5 weeks. what will happen now once i go back to work whenever that is how will i get back what i have lost.
just remember that you saved me you showed my where my light is you helped me find it......you are loved by many no matter how alone you think you are you have honored my with your words and friendship therefore i will not and can not stand for this...iam sorry i dont know how to change your mind but know this....i am a grown man and can tell you that i feel for you and send love to you to help you in your time of need. if you need help climbing that 1000 cliff....i'll start with a ladder...if thats what it takes....we will get through the first 46ft together...after that we will find whatever other means to scale that wall. no matter what my friend...no matter what.....we may be miles apart but this here has brought us into each others lives and if this is what neeeds to be done then it needs to be done....
you will make it you will succeed....you will make it....messge me if need be will try to be on the remainder of the day just for you....we can help each other...

 

[Godsdrummer]

D-D...I think you just saved me back. I am literally crying at my desk.

Damn it....and the part is....I am sure the rope wouldnt have broken my neck. I would have died an agonizing death, or worse...decapitation.

I am such a loser.

But bless you D-D

 

[itmahanh]

We could be standing side by side that is how well I hear and feel your pain. Your situation echos mine so closely you would shiver. To all those that say you are a bad father for what you want to do (although well intended) .... shame. The last thing that is needed here is guilt. I'm sure hun you like so many other parents here (me included) deeply believe this is one thing you CAN do for your children to help insure they can move on to a better future. So the real issue here is not your kids, your parents, your friends or even your ex. IT's YOU!!!! You need to be able to find a solution, a better one than this that can help you to get past so many burdens that have been dumped on you without you asking or giving persmission to them. And I know you have tried. Tried until you can't take another breath. And you are so alone in your efforts. Like there isnt another possible place to turn. Not even so much for a break but even a another damn damn breath!!! Even the physical and emotional effort to get up each morning is finally at the point of almost impossible. You just dont want to have to face another day of new shit being piled on your plate. Am I even a little close? The answer? I dont know. I just tried an unsuccessful attempt. Back here, like you, hopelessly searching for any kind of answer that can help other than suicide. I know in your heart you really dont want to do this. And I know this isnt a post asking for someone to talk you out of it. It's a post of sheer desperation. So hun, please please take my hand. Maybe with two stubborn worn down souls like oursleves we may not find an immediate solution but we can atleast be there to hold one another up while we try. Please?

 

[Godsdrummer]

Ok so I have spent like the last hour inbetween my phone calls here at work, checking out the proper way to do the deed I was going to do.

I have chickened out once again. What I thought was going to be foolproof, isnt. There are just too many variables.

And then I come back here and read the words of D-D and Itmahanh, and well I feel like I am falling in love with you guys.

So....how do I live?

How do I cope with not being able to attend the divorce hearing on 3/16. I thought about writing the judge a letter explaining my absence. And even if I could get the day off, how could I bring myself to go?

How do I get the money to get the brakes fixed on my car?

The wife is hounding me for more money, even though she gets automatic child support taken directly from my paychecks. I worry that if I dont give her what she wants/needs...she will ask the judge to have more withheld from my paychecks.

I am ok for today. Today is not the worry. Tomorrow, and next week and next month, and the rest of my life, that is the worry.

I did mean what I said to you D-D. I need to learn to live with my own advise I guess.

Truth is....if I had a method that would let me die in my sleep, I am sure I wouldnt be here now.

 

[depressed-dad]

D-D...I think you just saved me back. I am literally crying at my desk.

Damn it....and the part is....I am sure the rope wouldnt have broken my neck. I would have died an agonizing death, or worse...decapitation.

I am such a loser.

But bless you D-D

that is what we do right....cry out for help and those that we least likely think will help are the ones running to your side.....one thing that was put in to perspective for me here over the last few weeks days is that i am a 31 yr old man that sometimes has the heart of a 6 yr old...lol i love online gaming on my ps3....i have met ppl in europe and throughout the US...on thing that I have found out is that sometimes the greatest friends we have are those we never meet. I have friends here in maryland but yet no that i would consider my best friend. i met a man from florida who is ex military and now works for the federal government as a bomb appraisal officer(BOA) at an airport in FLA. he has never seen me i have never seen him....talk all the time on our games though.....my kids are 10-6-3 and their b-days feb10, Feb 25 and Mar 8 do you know this man sent my kids bday presents...."just becasue"!!!! has sent me things to help me out....he has been through alot...was in Iraq and helped with some of my coping issues....but my point sry for rambling is that there are good people in this world still and you are one of them you helped me see my value to this world and i will owe that to you forever....i am always here for you now you are a friend no matter what....if you ever need anything please dont hesitate and i will do my damnest to help however i can.....
BTW- one of my cousins play the drums and has for a long time and has tried to be successful and it is hard to but you know what.....just a question do you still play...have you stopped playing....maybe try andplay a little try to project your thoughts somewhere else....to be honest i use my games as an exsacpe and sometimes it works lately has been tough but it is where i can go to seperate myself from the pain just for a minute if that is all i get but that minute is free you know what i mean free of pain free of anger ...i am me again....
my thoughts and prayers go unto you my friend....

 

[depressed-dad]

sry forgot to quote reply but right before my last reply someone said that for those bashing you ....shame i agree that is the last thing anyone needs to have put upon them in this situation....turn the tables.....i know how he feels and if i was reading that the resentment alone is enough to add tho his trobled mind please i am no professional but do not blast someone who is crying out for help please....no disrespect to anyone by imo that is the wosrt....again my brother my thoughts are with you.....i hold you up....god bless tty soon

 

[Godsdrummer]

No I dont play anymore. I did restart up until the time my wife left me. But I had to get rid of those drums as I moved into an apartment. If I could afford it, I would get an electronic kit and just wear headphones while I played.

But I too have been getting lost in my games. I have a PS2 and am into the 5 game of my MLB 2K7 season. So far my Cubbies are 0-5. lol

Also I have been playing Call Of Duty 2.

 

[depressed-dad]

Ok so I have spent like the last hour inbetween my phone calls here at work, checking out the proper way to do the deed I was going to do.

I have chickened out once again. What I thought was going to be foolproof, isnt. There are just too many variables.

And then I come back here and read the words of D-D and Itmahanh, and well I feel like I am falling in love with you guys.

So....how do I live?

How do I cope with not being able to attend the divorce hearing on 3/16. I thought about writing the judge a letter explaining my absence. And even if I could get the day off, how could I bring myself to go?

How do I get the money to get the brakes fixed on my car?

The wife is hounding me for more money, even though she gets automatic child support taken directly from my paychecks. I worry that if I dont give her what she wants/needs...she will ask the judge to have more withheld from my paychecks.

I am ok for today. Today is not the worry. Tomorrow, and next week and next month, and the rest of my life, that is the worry.

I did mean what I said to you D-D. I need to learn to live with my own advise I guess.

Truth is....if I had a method that would let me die in my sleep, I am sure I wouldnt be here now.

well i will try and be here the next day the next week and hellif we have to shit the rest of our lives together to help one another....i am still down but damn it i am inspired now to help in anyway i can...........know this....no divorice is easy but write the letter as for extetion or however you could to get some time to prepare....again we are alike in many ways but this is one way we differ and i am sry but you will find the path that leads you out of the clod, the darkness...you will. just always have your eyes open and looking ahead.....i might not be the best with words but i do know that the more that i(personally) look back the wosre i feel...i have tried to shut out the pain of my past slowly but surely i will make it out of my cold my darkness....just know that there was a reason you joined this site when you do just know that there was a reason you answered my cries for help and just know no matter where you are or how you feel my hand is always there streched out to pick you up when you fall. to rest on your shoulder when you need the comfort and to always be there for you to have as a friend....

 

[depressed-dad]

No I dont play anymore. I did restart up until the time my wife left me. But I had to get rid of those drums as I moved into an apartment. If I could afford it, I would get an electronic kit and just wear headphones while I played.

But I too have been getting lost in my games. I have a PS2 and am into the 5 game of my MLB 2K7 season. So far my Cubbies are 0-5. lol

Also I have been playing Call Of Duty 2.

i love call of duty.....see we have another thing in common...lol but we do the same....keep in mind thatthere are things that we give up for reasons beyond our control. you will have a chacne one day to have that kit and you will again be able to play....focus as hard as it is focus on the knowledge that you are a great man you are a great person and not just in my eyes but in the eyes of many...i ahve seen some of your posts here due to the fact that i have been reading everything lately to try and get any type of help out of it that i can....you have shared you thoughts with alot of ppl here and i am sure that they thank you for evry kind word...there will alwaysbe a place in this world for you jsut know that and it is always open for you.....i have to jump out for a minute but i will return very shortly..brb

 

[Godsdrummer]

Cool!

 

[mdmefontaine]

hey...i am glad to see the Die-o-'Meter move down a bit.....
would love to see it come down even more......

so please keep heading in that direction...i'll be checking on you.
:hug:

 

[Scum]

Ok so I have spent like the last hour inbetween my phone calls here at work, checking out the proper way to do the deed I was going to do.

I have chickened out once again. What I thought was going to be foolproof, isnt. There are just too many variables.

And then I come back here and read the words of D-D and Itmahanh, and well I feel like I am falling in love with you guys.

So....how do I live?

How do I cope with not being able to attend the divorce hearing on 3/16. I thought about writing the judge a letter explaining my absence. And even if I could get the day off, how could I bring myself to go?

How do I get the money to get the brakes fixed on my car?

The wife is hounding me for more money, even though she gets automatic child support taken directly from my paychecks. I worry that if I dont give her what she wants/needs...she will ask the judge to have more withheld from my paychecks.

I am ok for today. Today is not the worry. Tomorrow, and next week and next month, and the rest of my life, that is the worry.

I did mean what I said to you D-D. I need to learn to live with my own advise I guess.

Truth is....if I had a method that would let me die in my sleep, I am sure I wouldnt be here now.

I don't think you have chickened out at all. I think by choosing to stay and fight you have taken the harder route, the strong route.

I think what you need to do right now is to not look at everything. Just try and cope with bite size chunks. Cope with the next minute, or hour, or day, cope with the next task that has to be done. Try not to look further and wider, just take tiny steps.

If you look at the whole thing it will be completely unmanageable and feel very overwhelming (which is what I sense from you right now, I sense you feel completely overwhelmed and drowing in all this). Try to break it down. If someone presented you with an elephant, and told you to eat it, how would you do it? Just bite by bite. You wouldn't look at the whole thing because it would feel like something you couldn't do. Just take each moment, by each moment. Reach out, find support (it is there, it's just finding what works for you, around your financial issues).

We will be here.

 

[Scum]

I also just want to say that I think the only person bashing the OP is the OP because he feels bad about himself, not any of the posters. Some might disagree and say I have bashed, and maybe others. I personally think that different things work differently and reach out to different people in different ways. For the OP, this time, it was DDs words, which is fantastic, but for another person, it might have been the children, or something completely different. also, different approaches work best. I think people on this thread just said what they thought from the heart, as they saw the situation, and that's what the gift of this site is, is that everyone sees something different, but that something will reach that person, because all people are different.

So hate me. I just stated it as a saw it. Don't like it, put me on ignore, then everyone is happy.

 

[Godsdrummer]

Scum,

I don't hate you and I appreciate yours and everyone's concerns.