lymeinside, i think i feel much like you do. My family are the only people who know i exist. But recently i have realized something. This is my life. I do not belong to them. We do not belong to our families. We need to live our own lives.
(this is going to be quite a rant)
It honesly doesn't matter as much as one might think what our families think because, face it, if they're older chances are they will die before us. Then we'll be even more so completely alone. Thus we need to build relationships with other people and say who cares about family to a certain extent. This is completely necessary. A support network is a necessity. This forum is what I've found so far.
i used to go for walks in the city i lived. i liked that. Recently i realized that i don't do that anymore. it seems that any form of time-planning that I ever had has gone out the window. i have been wasting time more so than ever, almost like a professional time-waster.
As for drinking, drugs, etc. yeah, I've gotten drunk with people who were my drinking friends. no, I don't have them anymore. Sober we had very little if anything. Due to both their problems and mine, i no longer see them, but they are completely gone regardless. i miss getting drunk and would like to have that back. i have gone to bars completely alone, sat there with a beer, or two, and waited for something to happen. Very little ever has. i smoke the occasional cigarette. ocasionally it leads to the random conversation which can be very interesting. But these are what i would call single-serving friends. or maybe I'm just not being social enough. And with a guy i get homophobic(i need to be honest) so in a way i try not to get it going too much. As for drugs, I think I've figured out I'm better off without them. i haven't had much fun on them lately anyway.
On a lighter note, i went out yesterday, new years' day, to a touristy place, but the kind of place that people might go to when they're alone. Yeah. there were quite a few people i noticed there alone too. problem was i didn't really have the courage to talk to any of them. There was one girl sitting there with her computer. i don't know what she was doing. one guy asks me for a light, but he was talking in French and i didn't feel like putting the extra effort in. And then there were tow other girld as i was leaving that i could have talked to, but it's possible that they were with people. So i suppose that opportunity is out there. People can meet people in really random places. And there are a lot of lonely people out there, who would gladly talk to a stranger for at least a few minutes.
Now back to the negative. i've seen a few people from high school recently and now that it's maybe 6 years later, i've been too lazy and don't care to count, I hear all of the amazing things that they have done and i have absolutely nothing. And it pains me to think that these people feel sorry for me. i can't stand it. i literally have nothing in my life and people out there know that. This is one thing that leads me down the anti-social spiral. i don't want people to get to know me too well because soon they'll realize what kind of a loser i really am and either get rid of me completely, as has recently happenned with someone, or get sympathetic, which i can't stand. it makes me feel terrible. That is all i can think of right now.