I came to a sad realisation today. Last week, I had a breakdown in front of my vocational advisor, Danielle. I told her that I felt alone, blank, hopeless. When she asked me about my future, I burst into tears again when I couldn't imagine anything other than darkness. It became clear to her that I was in need of extra help, and so she was incredibly kind and compassionate, referring me to a service that will hopefully get me on the right track. She was the first person I had truly been open with in years. I thought I had a hold on my depression, but it grabbed me again, choking the life out of me. Nearing the end of our appointment, Danielle still seemed concerned though I had perked up a bit after she promised me I was going to be okay. She asked me a question that I am still having trouble answering. "Do you have any friends you can talk to about this?" I nodded immediately when she asked me this, genuinely thinking that the answer to this question was indeed yes. However, as I went home after that appointment and tried to open up to one of my closest friends, I found it was near impossible. He was insensitive, almost bored with the conversation, and eventually turned it to make it all about himself. I've written a separate post about this guy, and I've decided he is not a good friend to me like I first thought. So, I did feel a little helpless then, but all was not lost. I had another friend I could turn to, one of those friends who always said she'd be "there for me no matter what". I've never, ever taken advantage of this promise she made to me, I've never wanted to burden her, no matter how hard it got. She too suffers a great deal with what I suffer through, so I always feel awful about expressing my woes with her, in case I trigger her or in case I appear like a negative energy in her life. I've always tried to support her through anything and everything, despite the fact she tends to isolate herself in times of despair. This means it becomes increasingly difficult to stay in contact with her, and I've always understood that. It is her way of coping, and although it may not be ideal, I completely understand it, as I have exercised this myself in the past. However, as times get harder and harder for me, I need a friend's company more and more. She, sadly, is the opposite. She needs more alone time the worse it gets. I checked up on her today, as I noticed that she seemed to be dipping again, secluding herself and avoiding responding to anyone's messages. See, she is usually an incredibly popular young woman, and I expect she has a lot of people chatting to her every day (as her job as a hairdresser is very social), and I can understand that it could be all too much for her some days and she would much prefer the silence of alone time. Anyway, she expressed to me that she is not doing so well, and that she needs to be alone. As always, I respected this. I'm leaving her alone until she finds her feet again, and I really hope she does soon as I always tend to worry about her a lot. However, and I know this will sound so selfish, I just wish I had a chance to tell her that I'm doing pretty terribly too. She always tells me that she'd be there for me, always, no matter what, but sadly I don't think she has the energy to keep that promise. Without her, and without my other so-called "friend", I have no one. No one. I thought that maybe, if the pair of us weren't doing so well, we could work on ourselves together and try to lift each other's spirits. Sadly, that just isn't how her coping strategy works. Please note, I don't blame her or hold any anger towards her at all. I just hate how conflicts like these can so easily happen and how there's no easy answer. I can't just find a new friend in the friend shop, and I can't just make my already amazing friend feel better with some kind of magic pill. I wish I could. I really do. Perhaps I need to get over my fear of burdening people with my issues and just try and be more open with more people, but I'm sure you guys understand how difficult that is. But as of right now, I have all of these emotions spilling out of me and no one around to catch them. I have to keep them bottled up but I think I'm about to burst, and I'm scared. My next appointment with Danielle is tomorrow. I guess I'll have to tell her that, in actual fact, I don't have anyone to talk to about this except her. I hope so much that she doesn't feel pressured by this. She is, after all, just my vocational advisor. I'm sure she didn't sign on to have a complete wreck of a girl as one of her clients. This is one of the many reasons I am thankful for this site. I don't feel as alone with this site. Though there are times when you just need a hug. I'm sure you guys understand.