when will i stop feeling this way

Not open for further replies.
I don't want to kill myself. i would never want to hurt my family and friends like that but i'm afraid that i might. When i'm in a state of over whelming depression or sadness i become consumed with ways in which i could take my life. when in this state i find myself driving recklessly wanting to drive off the road or off of a bridge. anything that would instantly take my life. it gets so bad i feel like i can't breath and get sick to my stomach. i would never hurt anyone else but i'm afraid of what i'll do to myself. I know i dont want to die but when i feel like this it seems like the only solution. i'm with my boyfriend the majority of the time and lately things have changed. I know he doesn't love me anymore, he makes it very clear that he doesn't want me around and while this isn't the reason for my thoughts it just adds to it. If things were the way they use to be with us i would talk to him about it but i don't want him to feel like he has to stay with me because of what i'll do to myself. He isn't the reason i want to kill myself i just want to make that clear. I hate myself and I'm tired of feeling this way. I was abusing pain killers and thought my substance abuse was the reason for my thoughts and feelings. i stopped taking them and thought i would feel better about myself and about life in general but nothing has changed. i'm passed the point of withdrawing so i know that isn't it either. when im alone im consumed with different ways in which i could kill myself. i don't think i'd do it because i know thats not what i really want but when i'm extremely depressed or upset i feel like a different person incapable of thinkng rationally. i'm afraid i might do something i'll regret. I don't want ot talk to anyone i know about the way i feel because i know it's selfish of me especially when theres so many other people that have it worse than i do. nothing tragic has happened and i haven't had a horrible life. my life has been fairly normal. i just don't understand why it's so hard for me to be happy. this isn't an emergency i just needed to talk about how i feel. i just want to be okay again


Well-Known Member
No wonder you're suffering. It sounds like you feel a lot of pain that you don't know what to do with.

Thoughts of death and suicide are not selfish. You don't enjoy them and would rather not have them, and it's certainly not your own fault. They can be a reaction to prolonged suffering that doesn't go away, and I think that's what you're going through.

I really think you're suffering from an increasingly bad case of major depression, and that's what's causing these intrusive thoughts that hurt you. You mention that what you feel doesn't coincide with what you think. You feel guilty for having these thoughts, and you don't think you'll act on them, but that you still sometimes "feel like a different person, incapable of thinking rationally." Feeling like you're not yourself during an episode like that is a pretty good indicator of a developing depression. A lot of people who start to suffer depression and then develop worse depression start to say that they don't feel like themselves, or that they don't understand what's happening to them.

Do you have access to any kind of counseling or therapy services? I would recommend that as a first step. If counseling or therapy alone doesn't work, it may be useful to try some kind of medication to help alleviate your suffering. It's likely these intrusive thoughts of death and suicide are only going to get worse without any kind of treatment. So I really think seeing someone who will listen to you and be nonjudgmental about your thoughts and feelings could benefit you. The ultimate idea, of course, is to reduce the frequency and intensity of the thoughts and feelings, with the eventual hope that they will disappear completely, and you can move on in your life. Does that make any sense, or am I wrong?

One last thing I want to ask is, can you identify what it is that might make you want to die? Or are these thoughts you have vague and unclear, without an immediately identifiable reason for having them?
Last edited by a moderator:
Not open for further replies.

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount