when will it get better?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by drendil, Apr 30, 2010.

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  1. drendil

    drendil Active Member

    all my life i've tried to do what's right, always giving for the other person, always sacrificing my needs, my happiness to ensure my spouse was happy...i finally after 21 years had to leave the abuse i recognize now.
    it's now been 8 months since i left and i found now that i feel like there is nothing in my future but sadness. No real friends to talk to..i was isolated from friends all that time. I am alone all the time..i cry going to work, at work, driving home from work..at night...i can't grocery shop because the songs played inside make me cry...it's so hard to see anything in the future but pain and sadness..people at work say don't worry things will get better, well all i can say is that i've had enough, i don't see anything that can bring any joy or happiness to me. i keep thinking i need a reason, i need something...i have no children, i have nothing to care for and no-one to care for me..i feel utter sadness all the time. this past week has been the worst week i've ever felt. without a reason, i just want to give up..i have nothing left inside. i feel so empty.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey have you been getting therapy at all you have suffered alot and medications can help with the depression. talking to someone getting guidance on how to move on it does help I am glad you are posting and hope others who have gone thru same thing can help take care and get help okay for you
     
  3. drendil

    drendil Active Member

    the resource is there but when i think about what to say i can't see anything that is going to help. i just can't think of what i did in my life to deserve what has happened to me. i'm not a bad person. i'm a very caring person and on top of what i've been thru and put up with all these years i now have been diagnosed with's diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol..i don't need this. it's too much and it weighs heavily on me. it hurts, it hurts so much.
     
  4. drendil

    drendil Active Member

    Well another piece of info to just make me feel better...for the past year I've been communicating/visiting with 2 friends from a long time ago. One of them I became very close to, so I thought. Since christmas though everything has changed...almost no communication..it was always me reaching out to talk, to help out, anything at all. it was always me, not them that wanted to start talking...well i decided to see if they would ever call me back..jeez even to see if they would call to say "hi, how are you doing?"...well it's been 2 weeks now and nothing, nothing at all..it just proves to me that what has transpired over the past year hasn't meant anything and it's left me feeling terribly sad and empty...a whole year wasted. it's terrible having no friends, no-one to talk to..to spend time with..i hate everything that's happened to me...i just can't understand what i did to deserve all this. i have nothing in my future, nothing to look forward to. i hate it..i have no children..nothing to care for..no reason to carry on..i've lost everything...you know the farthest i've gone with this is trying to figure out how to make potassium chloride...some days i just want to sleep and not wake up. it feels so hopeless...how long can one feel despair, sadness, sorrow,empty..how many weeks, months..
     
  5. drendil

    drendil Active Member

    so what's left when everything you had is gone...nothing in front of me but sadness..years of it...this is crap ..what's the point of going on when there is nothing of any value to me, noting to look forward to , nothing to care for...my parents should have let me go when i was born...it's just one bad thing after another..wrong decision here..another bad one there...life just really really sucks right now..i feel such despair i don't know what to do to fix this
     
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    i'm sorry you feel so bad.....
    I agree with violet that therapy might help you..it helps me .....why not give it a go and see how you go....
    maybe see your GP and talk to him about how you are feeling and some meds might be in order....
    stay and talk to us here....we understand your pain....
    do you still have your parents?
     
  7. drendil

    drendil Active Member

    For almost all my life I've the smiling guy, the happy guy, the guy who always was in a good mood...i realized during my marriage that it was a show..it was so no-one knew what was reallly going on inside me. I never spoke out, i never expressed my opinion because i was alway s wrong and i got tired of opening my mouth and have whatever i said thrown back in my face.
    IV, yes my parents are still alive and I am fortunate that when I left my wife that i had somewhere to go..i don't know where i'd be now. I have only broken down once in front of my parents and that was it. I now put on the good face at home so they won't worry. I've had years of practice hiding what's inside. i honestly don't know what's keeping me going...being sad and crying at all times of the day when i start thinking of things and trying to look ahead..it's just torture for me...and it's no life that i want to go thru for the next how ever many years.
     
  8. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    Firstly, what you are feeling is perfectly understandable - one minute your life with someone is all mapped out forever, and the next thing you know you are on your own with no aparant future at all

    Secondly, you will feel better as time goes by but you need help, professional help, to get through this.

    I felt exactly the same way as you did when my husband left me, crying all the time, but I didnt have my parents alive to turn to. I spent years in turmmoil trying to cope and things didnt improve until I saw a therapist and went on meds temporarily for depression. If only I had sought help straight away it would have saved a lot of heartache

    Stay strong, you can get through this and please pm if you want to chat............
     
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Dave please go see your GP and get some help....find a therapist to talk to..
    I do understand how hard it is when a relationship breaks down...been there and survived it twice.....you can survive it to but you need to reach out for professional help..
    you have your parents to live for and you deserve a better life than the abusive one you had....
    your parents would be devastated if you go ...it will cause them immense grief and pain and change their lives forever for the worse...I know this as I'm living that nightmare....
    take care of you....:hug:
     
  10. drendil

    drendil Active Member

    i know...my parents would be devastated...i couldn't do that to them..so i live this hypocritical life pretending everything is okay..i have these notes to these "friends" that i just want them to forget about me and i'm not worth it. I'm torn between telling them and having no friends and not telling them and living with whatever time they give me. the odd time i do hear from one i don't want to reply....i must sound pathetic when i talk about how i feel and i don't want to be some charity case that they feel guilty about. i'd rather they just leave me alone now.

    i do see my GP soon about all the other crap that's happening inside me..i've stopped taking my blood tests..i don't care about them anymore..whatever happens, happens. god i went from one pill a day for migraines to 5 now for other stuff going on in me and i know more are coming. i do put on the good face when i see him too. opening up is just so difficult for me. being beaten down for every comment or thought i might have, has pretty well shut me down to talking.

    the time i did breakdown in front of my mom, she too mentioned talking to someone and all i could think about was that i didn't want to find the answer in a happy pill. i dunno. It's terrible at times... listening to the radio will set me off, music in the grocery store, T.V., even someone getting affection in a cartoon, a friggin cartoon...it's everywhere i go....tearing up, crying..i just stay in the basement every night.
     
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I know it must be so hard for you with the breakup and then your bad health on top of it but keep reaching out for help....
    the diabetes, blood pressure and high cholesterol can all be managed by the doctors but I urge you to start doing your blood tests again.....you don't need to have your kidneys fail or lose a limb in the future because you didn't look after yourself now....are there support groups there for diabetics? a chance to meet people who know how you feel....my daughter has diabetes diagnosed at 12..she's now in her thirties...
    all you are feeling is normal in the grief process....you have lost an important part of your life -your relationship - and it won't be easy but given time you can get through it...
    you have a reason to live....if not for yourself then your supportive parents who must love you very much.......:arms:
    take care
     
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    how you doing Dave??
     
  13. drendil

    drendil Active Member

    IV, i'm so tired of all this. playing the happy guy when i'm so empty inside. i feel so broken right now. i think my parents are the reason i'm still around. Acting happy around them and trying to keep up appearances at work is wearing me down. i just hate it. I feel like such a fake right now. The sadness is overwhelming alot of the time. covering up that i've been crying at my desk, in the car, at home...it's just an awful awful feeling. i know i couldn't do anything while they are alive. it would ruin them. i couldn't put them through it. they don't deserve that kind of grief as well. They are wonderful parents. i'm trying to focus on my job right now...i have a ton of pressure on me now at work. i've been working on a huge upgrade this past year and i'm the only one that can do it. i know it's affecting my blood pressure..when i get home it is always skyhigh. anyways... i'm alone a work right now...
     
  14. drendil

    drendil Active Member

    You know i listen to Rascal Flatts - WHY a lot..about somene who killed themselves....it just makes me cry..i try to get beyond the words and the feelings that there is a purpose.... a reason to go on...i need time..i just don't know how long.
     
  15. drendil

    drendil Active Member

    I saw my GP last night...I couldn't do it...i couldn't tell him what's going on..he's doubled up my BP pills. My parents had friends over for dinner last night..i was included. i played the happy camper. i just feel my life has been such a waste. i just wish it never happened. i feel like such a fake nowadays. i go back in a month..maybe things will change. i just don't see it.
     
  16. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi Dave...I don't know how I've missed your posts....sorry...
    I can hear you are still in pain ...but glad to hear you don't want to leave your parents with the grief of your suicide..
    re the doctor...do you think if you wrote down how you feel and gave it to him that would work for you?..
    there is no reason to be embarrased about how you feel...doctors are trained to take care of you and they don't pass judgement when you're depressed..
    I also urge you to tell your parents you're not the "happy little camper" they think you are....I'm sure they would understand and support you...
    trying to be someone you're not puts an awful lot of pressure on you....
    please take care of yourself...
     
  17. drendil

    drendil Active Member

    Hi IV
    just reading your words, i broke down again. i'm sorry. i can't tell my parents. they've been through enough already. i'm just glad they are around me. i don't know where i'd be without them now. i do go back to my GP in a month. more and more tests....i'm not sure what a panic attack feels like but a couple of days in the past 2 weeks i've been having pains shoot across my back and right in my chest..the pain does go away but it is intense. ever heard of this kind of pain? i think it's work related..i'm under a lot of pressure for the past while and i think things are coming to a head. everything is supposed to be approved today but actually i'm hoping it doesn't now..i really don't care anymore. if it gets approved i'll be working this weekend if it doesn't i'll be working at my other job...as they say "no rest for the wicked".....i've been told by my boss if it doesn't go thru then October is the next time we try the upgrade, and in his words "it would be a shame"..so sue me. the way he came across was it was like i had wasted the past 9 months working on this project by myself. he has no idea the crap i've had to deal with, getting this project to where it is now. nevermind i feel like i'm waffling..

    These "friends" that i have been with the past year , i haven't heard from them in over 3 weeks now and i'm about done with them..i feel like a part-time friend if anything..it just feels like i'm not important enough to get a phone call , to hear a "hi dave, how are you? wanna go for a coffee, meet for lunch?" i'm tired of reaching out all the time and being ignored..i now have messages already setup to reply to them if and when they decide to converse with me to just forget about me, i know i'm not worth the time anymore and that the past year has really meant nothing to them. i think i would rather just say goodbye and move on. no point living on a faint hope that something might improve my situation. anyweays, i have to get back to work..we'll see what this day brings..

    thank you for your words IV. hope you are well. take care.
     
  18. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I hope everything goes well at work today....it's a shame you don't feel able to tell your parents...
    sorry what I said upset you...
    re the pains i think you should go back to the GP as soon as you can ....I've not had that sort of pain but since you have BP you need to get it checked out....
    my panic attacks were more like an emotional panic inside ..an urgent need to get out of the situation and then trouble breathing ...
    understand what you're saying about the friends too..
    sounds like a huge workload...
    take care..........
     
  19. drendil

    drendil Active Member

    It's funny, i think parents have a sixth sense....tonight, out of the blue, my mom actually asked how my "friend" Cindy was doing and i told her i hadn't heard from her in about 3 weeks...i told her it didn't matter and that i was tired of being this "part-time" friend that gets a call or text whenever...i also told her i was tired of reaching out all the time and just being ignored..i try not to think about them but something always brings me back to thinking about them. i feel like i'm in a catch-22 position...say goodbye and have no friends outside of work or just wait it out for the next message to come my way.

    my day actually wasn't too bad. if the testing completes tomorrow then it looks like i will be working the weekend for this install..it will take me 20-24 hours to do it. too bad, i was hoping to put my feet up for a bit this long weekend....something else about me that flaired up today for some reason..i have a hernia in my belly button...had it for about 3 years now...but today..it was so tender to touch and the area around it is sore. if it gets worse i will end up back with the GP. my prior doctor said it was genetic and that in time i might need surgery for it..what's next eh?
     
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    sounds like your body is telling you to slow down..may not be a bad thing to have the operation so you can have a few weeks off to rest....
    how did your Mum react?....you're right ..we parents do have a sixth sense..
     
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