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when will somebody PICK ME?!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by dreamer11, May 5, 2013.

  1. dreamer11

    dreamer11 Member


    on the outside, i'm the girl who has it all together: i go to a public ivy university, i'm in a "top tier" sorority and have a high officer position in it, i have a 3.5 GPA, and i'm a rich white girl, but really, i feel empty inside and desperate for love and attention. this need sometimes literally feels like a tornado that tears up my insides and leaves me in bits. i'd do ANYTHING to make boys look at the way they look at other girls, or have somebody take interest in me, but they never do. i used to cry myself to sleep at night, but it's hard for me to cry anymore.

    i came from a verbally abusive home where "i love you" wasn't used frequently. i've never felt like i'm good enough, smart enough, fun enough, cool enough, etc. i've given so much love to my friends in the past to fulfill this need i have. anyway, it's rarely reciprocated. i'm constantly trying to be perfect to earn somebody's love, but i somehow never get invited to big date events and i feel like the last kid picked on the kickball field. Girls say i'm pretty, but that can't possibly be true if boys never notice me as more than just a friend, right? Most people say i'm fun, nice, and easy to talk to, but then why do boys never pick me? i'm a virgin at 20 and i'm ashamed. i never thought i'd be like this. i never wanted to be different, i just want to be loved. girls say my problem is that boys "respect me," well respect doesn't keep me warm at night or feel beautiful...

    i went to a single-sex school and am ready to be with somebody. Why do i have to keep waiting? i'm socially, emotionally, and sexually frustrated. i deserve to be with somebody, so why are these other girls who cheat, lie, and aren't...idk, with guys instead? i look at myself and wish i could get a boob job and have long princess hair like the gorgeous girls have, but neither parts will grow. idk what is so wrong with me?! my personality? my looks? i wish i knew so i could change. why am i unlovable?
  2. deano40

    deano40 New Member

    ur human m8 thats whats wrong :) just through being you u will bring the right man in your life. dont live life wanting to be like others just be yourself and respect who you are and the rest will come naturally
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry hun but looks are not everythng a guy wants ok You trying to be anything different from who you are will not work either you are only 20 what is the rush Join new groups take art classes music drama outside of school meet new people You will meet the right person just enjoy living ok Lots of people don't meet up with the right one to late 20 thirty even
    Get out try new things meet new people
  4. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    There is certainly nothing to be ashamed of for being a virgin at 20. I know a lot of "kids" my son's age, mid 20's, who are virgins, both guys and gals.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with you. But you may be trying a bit too hard. Let it happen when it happens. People are usually most attracted to others who are happy with themselves, and confident, so why not just enjoy what you are doing. You will find love in time, and there is no hurry.
  5. dreamer11

    dreamer11 Member

    I know it's not all about looks, I just feel like in our society, if you're attractive enough, your personality doesn't actually matter. Girls who are malicious yet beautiful get everything, and I feel like I'm left with nothing. Other girls who I feel like get picked over me just don't seem as caring or as fun, so I just don't understand what's so wrong with me that I never get chosen, what makes me worse than them? Because I don't see it. How can girls go from relationship to relationship and I can't even get a boy to want to kiss me when he's even drunk, let alone sober? The last boy who kissed me in October asked my friend out on a date 3 days later, I felt like such trash. I really liked him and he knew it, and took advantage of my feelings. But of course, I had to pretend like it was no big deal even though it felt like I was being stabbed a hundred times (I should probably clarify that the previous year, this boy ditched me after I got nervous about doing sexual things with him and told him I was a virgin). I was so excited in October and thought things were finally going to happen for me, and then it was all taken away.

    I know I'm young, but I'm so ready to be with somebody and have them care about me in the same way that I care for them. I feel like I'm drowning and falling behind. Guys don't like virgins because they're inexperienced and "clingy" at my school, and the longer I'm a virgin, the further behind I am to ever be with somebody.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry that virginity is now considered a detriment...waiting to love someone, and making that experience meaningful should be honored...I think there is some truth to the notion that people accept us to the degree we accept ourselves...I think the best way to find company is to do what you love and find people with similar interests...usually the right person comes along when we least expect it...enjoy who you are and someone (very fortunate) will enjoy you too
  7. 1112222

    1112222 Well-Known Member

    I hate to say this but you seem to have some sort of female equivalent of nice guy syndrome.
  8. dreamer11

    dreamer11 Member

    haha to the above, i probably do. i've tried sososo hard to wipe off the prudish image that came off my freshman year when the guy i really liked (see above) told his whole frat that i was a virgin. i bought sexier clothes and actively tried to erase that image, and i've been decently successful, but i'm still not with anybody. what's WRONG with me?!
  9. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Well.... idk you gotta be comfortable with yourself. I doubt there's anything wrong, but the thing is if you keep thinking there is, you're just blocking yourself. It can also make you pay more attention to "wanting somone" and trying to get on the good sides of people that show interest, which inturn can make things more "heavy" in the moment than they need to be. The main thing is to just be relaxed and take things as they are, or go for something or someone you want. But without compromising who you are. That's the most important thing, don't let your want make you question yourself or make you do or say things that put you in a vulnerable situation.
    Things will happen, especially when you're just chilled and yourself. Generally people just want to get on, have fun and make some motion. Like for example... telling that guy youre a virgin... well 19-22 year olds can be seriously immature. Sometimes they themselves don't know how to deal with personal things like that, and respond in immature ways.
    Just be cool, and let things happen. Maybe try relax some of those desires too otherwise they'll could come flooding out when you have a close moment with someone and sorta ruin the moment. If you get me.
  10. dreamer11

    dreamer11 Member

    haha yeah i realized the hard way that i shouldn't guy i want that i'm a virgin... i definitely won't tell the next guy.
  11. 1112222

    1112222 Well-Known Member

    Thats not what I actually meant.

    Being a virgin at that age will only be a big deal if you chose make it.

    But the thing is if you go around with a mindset that is guys should dating me over those shanky ho bags because I'm smart and I and deserve a boyfriend is going to be off putting and will come across as clingy.
    Not to mention if judging by your first post you seem to believe that having a boyfriend will solve all your self esteem issues... the problem is that in reality it won't

    So I think the best thing for you to do is rather than worrying get someone to love you, instead learn how to like yourself and gain some self esteem first.
  12. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    @dreamer11- I am past 60- I am ready to pick you up. Tell me your address via private message and I will pick you up. But will that make you happy? Would you like to be seen with an old man? If that makes you happy, I will meet you and take you out. But I know that you will still be unhappy. So, your problems are minor and instead of posting on this forum which is for suicidal eople you should consider posting on forums for people with social anxiety. Just search Google for "forums for social anxiety".
    Also be strong and consider your virginity as an asset and not a liability. Pray to God every morning and every night and ask him or her to give you strength. Ask him to fill your head with positive thoughts. God is our father and also your mother. Visit the following link to learn about Hindu gods and goddesses

    If you prefer, pray to Jesus or to another God!!!!

    Pray to God to make you strong so you become more mature and not bother with minor things like not getting a date. Learn new skills, help others.
  13. John B

    John B Active Member

    As a guy I can tell you, from personal observations, that some males view females as warm, self-cleaning, cooking, sex toys. They use them until they get bored or something better comes along. The females that fall into this category are either passive or completely fine with the behaviour because they think they’re in love, until they fall out. Personally I agree with the statement that “love is an emotion that no longer exists due to its distortion over the years by the media and popular culture”. People keep looking for love saying “this is it” “this is it” when it’s not and they only get hurt down the line when they fully acknowledge the facts of their situation. If you’re looking for love, you’ll never find it. You need to let it come to you, and if you think it’s there, don’t fully acknowledge it, verify, slowly. Is it legit or bullshit; don’t drop your guard unless you want to get hit hard. (Referring to emotion not physical, I need to make that clear.) So if guys don’t see you the same way they see other females, it could possibly be a good thing. Let me know if this helps in any way.
    -I do not know enough to have a valid opinion.
  14. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I was a virgin till I was 21. I was overweight and I found someone who liked me. So it definitely has nothing to do with looks. To be honest I wished I had waited longer because now I feel different and I don't have a boyfriend.

    I was in an abusive home as well, my father was not the affectionate type so I love you, or anything like that was not used. Also my dad would force me to kiss him on the mouth and so that affected me...I think that kind of broke me and so being in relationship with guys is hard for me... and also I don't cause drama...guys seem to like girls who cause trouble...since I don't, I'm pretty easy going, guys don't looks really much my way...still I do attrack guys...just not the guys I want...

    sorry for rambling, but hang in there...it's better to wait for the right one than just be with one to not be alone...that's when things get bad....
  15. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    Single-sex schools are the worst. Luckily I didn't go to one, but just know that they are awful places to meet the opposite sex. I'm stating the obvious but I really believe once you get out of your college situation and away from sorority chicks and frat douche bags you will see that things aren't so bad. Look I could compare myself to frat boys all day too but that doesn't make me bad looking. No one is perfect and I think that is your problem, you want perfection. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and I think you just hold yourself to such high standards that you are constantly disappointed. There are plenty of guys out there who would pick you, you are just surrounded by the wrong kinds of people.
  16. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    In reading this thread, I have noted that there have been a few good suggestions made.

    The female equivalent of the nice guy syndrome... > In reading the OP it's potentially easy to see why.

    I have found that those who often claim that they are nice, often tend to not be (not deliberately in some cases), but when there's a suggestion that others aren't an equal because of their known 'mistakes' (cheats/liars), that comes across as bitchy, and more than likely as a result of ingrained verbal abuse that you went through at home.

    Regarding the virginity side, I find it fairly common for people to be 20+ and still be one. If you think of it as an issue because of the way social interactions are surrounding it, then you're trying too hard to fit in, losing part of who you truly are along the way. Being one is not a crime.

    Perhaps you need to look at what you do - and what you want to do. If possible, with the guidance of a therapist, it could be easier because they'd understand it better. You cannot see what your body language gives off (70% of communication is non-verbal) to other people, and they may be able to read the apparent desperation to enable you to work on finding a different approach that works for you.

    Comparing yourself to others will lead to more disappointment than success. Brings out jealousy and envy/potential greed as well as foul mood attitudes. I can understand the desire for someone to love, and for someone to love you, but you have to be you, not be what you think others want you to be.
  17. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    I was still a virgin at 20 and I'm a guy. The sky didn't fall. I still ended up having the two most adorable kids in the world (unfortunately my marriage fell apart after 12 years, but that is a different story). As far as why guys don't ask you out, maybe it's because you have it so together on the outside that they assume you must have a boyfriend. Either that or maybe they feel intimidated by you because why would this good looking, intelligent girl who a high officer in a sorority want to go out with me? You say you're "not good enough", but maybe it's just the opposite. Guys are maybe afraid to ask you out.

    I have a suggestion, which you can take or leave. Nothing wrong with you suggesting to a guy you are interested in to accompany you for a coffee. The first serious relationship I had wouldn't have happened if she didn't ask me out. Don't sell yourself short and go for it!!!!
  18. inkdrop

    inkdrop New Member

    I feel like I'm in the same boat.

    I go to a good school, my grades aren't wonderful but I'm not on the warning list (this rounds), I'm the president of the most prominent Student's Association at school.
    I know for a fact that I'm caring... I'm caring to the point that I put myself after last. I'm good looking; slim, boobs, long hair, avg height, long legs. I have many talents that they claim are supposed to make the girls flock to you.

    But here I am; empty, alone, sad. Something must be wrong with me and I don't even know what it is.
  19. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    It's unfortunate that so many of us internalize the responsibility/blame for our loneliness.

    When we are ignored/rejected we assume there is something wrong with us.

    I wish we could all realize that the way others treat us is often more a reflection of them and their shortcomings.

    inkdrop (and others), please don't change who you are just to please them!
  20. Kurouin

    Kurouin Member

    You are hanging out with the wrong crowd and you are trying to get the attention of the wrong guys.

    A true man will love whether you are wearing sexy lingerie or boxer briefs. He will learn to accept all of your good sides and bad sides. It is hard to admit it, but all humans are flawed in someway or another. Your virginity will not matter to him because what matters is who you are and how you carry yourself.

    That guy you had a crush on in freshman year is a douchebag, telling all his fratboys about you being a virgin and making it into a joke. He probably didn't deserve someone like you.

    I will give you this advice, as a somewhat reasonable guy. Just be yourself and carry yourself well. Have a strong will and don't try to emulate others. Focus on your career, that's what you are in school for. Work on yourself. Find hobbies and interests that you can be passionate about. Those will take your somewhere and hopefully in those hobbies and interests you can find a guy who will respect and love you. I understand how it feels to be lonely and how much you may want a boyfriend at times, but in my opinion it is better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't appreciate you.

    Keep on growing and refining yourself as a person, not just as a girl or a woman, but as a human being. You will find a great man who will love you forever and literally take a bullet for you. It will be a long wait, but when it finally comes you will be crying tears of joy.