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When you can’t forgive yourself

#1
I simply can’t forgive myself for some of the crap that I put my family through during a manic episode a few years ago. I mean I might as well have killed some one as it has all caused me so much anguish. I have been forgiven but will never forgive myself. I am sure if I kill myself it will hurt them even more. No pill and no amount of therapy can truly fix that but I keep on plugging away at it.
Others have done much worse and yet are able to move on. Why can’t I?
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
Hi @Hopeiseverything , I know how much you struggle with this and understand that forgiving yourself is hard, even when you have been forgiven by those who were affected by what you did. It doesn't sound that you caused any deep or lasting damage to anyone, so your guilt is way out of proportion to what actually happened. This makes me think there is something more to this feeling of unworthiness than what appears . You mentioned some painful, traumatic, unhealed experiences in your earlier life, so I'm wondering if this is perhaps the key that will unlock the mental/emotional prison you find yourself in ? Is this something you've went into in therapy?
 
#3
No, I did not cause any deep or lasting damage, just embarrassment To someone I love. Yet I am tormented by it daily. The person I ‘hurt’ actually laughed about it...and mind you it was 2 years ago. I have discussed my past briefly in therapy. It’s important to note that my mania was brought on by a trauma 3 years ago which resurrected old wounds. Just getting into all of that in therapy now. I am sorry, I know I am a broken record....I just most days do not see any way out. On top of it all the autoimmune disease that I have is disfiguring, and to someone who was verbally abused for their looks years ago, it is devastating. Only when I take a benzo does it all stop...but we know benzos are just bandaids....
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
I am sorry, I know I am a broken record....I just most days do not see any way out
Please don't be sorry. I'm glad you feel able to open up here - that what SF is for and why we are all here!
Only when I take a benzo does it all stop...but we know benzos are just bandaids..
Yes, but they can be very useful bandaids under medical supervision. Right now your safety is paramount in my mind, and I'm glad you will be seeing your psychiatrist soon.
I have discussed my past briefly in therapy. It’s important to note that my mania was brought on by a trauma 3 years ago which resurrected old wounds
There is good reason these childhood wounds are buried, and why they tend to surface when triggered by a traumatic event such as the one you experienced. What is hidden needs to come into the light of awareness in order for full healing to begin, and this is what could be happening to you right now.
Just getting into all of that in therapy now.
I think this is very significant and explains why you are finding things so hard going just now. It's instinctive to recoil from pain, and it's very hard to process long repressed traumatic experiences when they surface without the help and guidance of a skilled and experienced therapist who knows the territory. As I said your safety is the paramount consideration just now, and it could be that a rest in hospital
under the care of your medical team is needed before you are ready to proceed with the work of healing from the past. Please make sure your psychiatrist is aware of everything and if he or she recommends a period of hospitalization, I think you would benefit from consenting to it.

I really feel you are becoming burned out, and need a rest most of all right now, plus closer monitoring of your responses to medications that could be tried since your present ones aren't really working as they should. Above all don't give up because there is a way to healing and wholeness. It would be tragic if you weren't around to experience the joy of your beautiful new grandchild growing up. Think of all the milestones, birthdays, Christmases, and think of the deep sadness pervading those occasions for your family if you weren't there to share them.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#5
On top of it all the autoimmune disease that I have is disfiguring, and to someone who was verbally abused for their looks years ago, it is devastating.
Yes, as I said repressed pain stays repressed for a reason. But it also stays unhealed. When it begins to surface, take it as a sign from within that it's time to grow towards wholeness. Growth is often very painful, but with the right help and support, there's no reason why you can't turn what seems to be an unmitigated disaster into an opportunity to be all you can be, for yourself, and your loved ones
 
#6
Thanks Lara....I know you are correct. much of family does not know how sick I am...i know I already told you this before. I apologize. I fear ruining everyone’s Christmas by being in the hospital but I would ruin their lives even more if I wasn’t here I support..
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#8
Hey, no need for apologies here! I just wish I was able to suggest something which would bring you relief more quickly as you are a good person who deserves happiness, not an instant more of this terrible pain. I know you love your husband and family very much, but don't ever forget they love you too and would certainly want you to do everything you could to get well, instead of worrying about ruining Christmas for them, even if this means going into hospital if your doctor advises this.

Healing can happen for you @Hopeiseverything. As I see it, the pain from your early traumas, triggered by the recent ones, is surfacing. I would just like to say that the pain which is surfacing from your unconscious, brings behind it something beautiful which was buried alongside it. Do you recall a time before the traumas growing up? look at your young grandchild, her inborn beauty, innocence, and goodness. What did you lose, all at once, or bit by bit? What you lost is still there deeply hidden within you. Its only your awareness of it that was lost. The pain is the barrier, but it points to what lies beneath it, and what you will regain when you break through it. It's the pain of separation from awareness of your true self and when you find it again, become whole, the pain will go.
 
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