I would say that I've suffered from 2 slowly debilitating diseases, neither will kill me, but I suffer great pain, and it will never go away. I take meds, and sometimes have moodiness. I also can't travel and work, but find happiness online and friends online. Still, I need my husband to take care of me, and that is the problem. He's burnt out. He's tired. He loves me, but he sees as we age, his life is being stuck with me. In a way I feel I owe him a suicide. He could then move on, enjoy what is left of his life, and not be broke from our endless medical bills. Even with in in surance we pay over $5,000 a year. That's a lot of travel and fun he could be having. Part of me, I owe him for all the happy years he gave me. He has been to every doctor appointment, even surgery, he's been there for the birth of our children. He supplied a nice home, a car and clothing... everything so I have not had to work. But it recently broke. He saw something he wanted, and he's been saying stuff like 'You know, I would like to buy something sometime." He's seeing how much his hard work is just to buy stuff for us, not himself ever. He paid for the kids college, he has kept me alive, he can't enjoy what his coworkers enjoy because of me. So when I asked how I could help him, he was "Well, we could divorce, I've been withyou for 20 years with your illness, and I perhaps have 20 years left. I'd like to be on my own, to enjoy what I've given you for 20 years" He's depressed as he knows in a divorce, he'll lose half of everything. It's like he can leave, and step away, be OUT, but he'll still have the financial burden. I frankly love the man. I want to give him that happiness. HE's made me truly happy, given me what life I have had, for 20 years. Withouth him, Im looking at a nursing home or home care in a small apartment. I'm looking at no pets (I've loved our pets) I'm looking at eating alone, being alone, seeing people only when it's time for them to help me. All my stuff, the computer and writing and people that make me happy... all gone. This lovely middle class life, gone. He knows the costs of someone else taking care of me. I want to give him the gift of my suicide. I want to give him, 20 years of happiness like he gave me. He thinks this is a good idea. No, not being a jerk. Not at all. He said thinking of me being alone or in a home, makes him sad. He gets if I were dead, he would get over it. He could look over the good years, the times he felt proud of taking care of me, when I could still do some stuff. When the medication didn't make me so moody. He wants to remember the happy years and keep some pride in what he did. I also don't want people saying "oh he left you, he's horrible". I want him to be seen as someone good (which he is). So we're talking suicide. TO make it all end on a happy note. I won't have to live without pets. I will die with happy memories. He can grab what is left of his life, and be happy. Together, not happy, with my suicide, one can be happy and I'll die with the good memories. I don't see anything wrong with it. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. I figure I need to talk to others. I know other people will illnesses that have chased away their spouses so they can be happy. I don't want to do that. Also does anyone know if he can divorce me and I can give him everything, and then let the government pay for my health care. THere is a part of me that is "maybe I would make friends at a nursing home. Maybe things would be good." But can I get a divorce and he has not part of having to take care of me? If I can figure out a way that the kids would not blame him, and would remain close and love him, I'd rather go to the nursing home and maybe find some way to be nice and meet friends and do some good. Who knows? I love doing stuff for other people. I like to find people online that need a joke or someone to check in. It's something that perhaps one of the children could pay for me internet and a computer, and life would still be worth living. I've lost the love of my soul mate. He's in favor of a suicide, so no one thinks he's horrible, and I also want that. But part of me clings to "well maybe I could do something good." Part of me is packing up all my stuff for Goodwill, and collecting my pain meds. He's pointing out I have so long to do this, then the divorce no matter what. (But I do need to find out if I can divorce him and give him everything and have no claims). Either way, time is limited and I need to make a decision fast. He's willing to help with the suicide, but not with the figuring out if I can divorce and not be a charge on him. If nothing else he says I have to make sure the kids don't blame him.. .suicide or divorce. Honestly we both get, he's counting on suicide. The divorce is just a scare tactic. But I'd like to find out.. and visit a nursing home. The state one for people without money. I thought I might evenlie to the kids and tell them I"m dead. Because I don't want their pity or their father being hated. It's all very hard, I have so little time. Anyone know about the divorce question? I don't want to spend any more of his money to go to a lawyer to find out. Thanks, I'm not depressed, just simply it feels good to perhaps help my husband who is depressed.