When you feel like even suicide has been taken from you.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Evanesce, Nov 30, 2012.

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  1. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    Hi all, just felt the need to post a rant about my life and feelings. I've been struggling a lot in the last few weeks. So much is going on and I don't always have someone I can share it with. I am in constant pain and waiting for the health system yet again. I have an apt next year in February to see if I have fibromyalgia, I hate this. Waiting is killing me, I don't have a life anymore. I can't sleep much at night because I lie down in pain and it's worse leaning on sore points. Usually there is no part of my body that I can rest on that doesn't ache if not hurt heaps. The my teeth are bad, happened really fast, so I've been seeing a dentist, manage to get a free one thru a special thing at our hospital, but this week I had fillings down and it looks like putty that is the wrong colour in the front of my teeth. I have the rich society system I live in. I have one or two more dentist apts left and that is to pull two teeth and do 4 fillings. I'm trying to study and get my life back on track after years of mental illness. My husband has prostate problems and so we are waiting for him to get an apt to see a specialist, might be cancer, who knows when he will be seen might be years. His mother is in hospital, she is 92 and had a fall, had to have surgery for partial hip replacement and we can't afford to go and see her. I'm so exhausted, worried, anxious, guilty, scared, hopeless and suicidal but I can't do anything about it. I've had 8 years intensive therapy with a top psychologist and now even thou I get the thoughts and feelings I can never do anything about it. I have a therapy barrier in the way and no outlet. I'm stuck stuck stuck.
    Anyway that's probably enough. Can't stand not know what to do and having to just be like this every day but there seems nothing else I can do.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Fleurise sorry to hear you are in such pain hun. Is there no way your gp can help you sooner You have so much on your plate hun no wonder you fee l so warn out
    I am glad you can come here and just release some of the stress as just talking about things can help some.
     
  3. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    Hi total eclipse thanks for reading this and responding that means a lot, I'm actually crying knowing someone cares. My gp can't help anymore than she already is as I need to get a diagnosis first.
    I'm glad I found the site too.
    thanks.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    OH hun iam sorry your gp cannot help Phone the specialist office ok ask to be put on a cancellation list that way if someone is sick and can't make it in they will call you I am glad you found this place too hun If every you need to just talk were here ok hugs
     
  5. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    Eclipse I'm never sure if I should share in chat, don't want to trigger others with my issues and it feel wrong to moan even when I feel this way.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You can share in chat if you are comfortable hun if it is triggering go to that room ok If you are not comfortable you can always post here hun or pm me hugs
     
  7. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You certainly can share in chat, particularly in Triggering. I have seen you in chat several times and you are a great supportive member there; it is absolutely okay to get some support for yourself. If you do not feel comfortable in the room feel free to PM me from chat anytime I am in there if you want to talk, I have had years of experience with physical illness and am happy to lend an ear.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  8. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    Hi Having one of those days where it started out well but as it goes on I realise that nothing has changed and even more has been taken from me. I also haven't SH for about 4 years, been thinking about it a lot lately. Therapy has robbed me of that as well. I really need to come up with some health ideas I can do when I'm in pain and limited by my body. I'm sad again and trying not to cry so I don't worry my husband. Can't believe how much it feels like my life is slipping away from me and my options are getting smaller and smaller. Hoping someone understand as I sure don't know how I'll cope like this.
    Not sure how much sense all that made but I had to type it out fast or I wouldn't have at all.
     
  9. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    I don't believe that I could ever self harm again, but something in me is beginning to think that I could suicide. I'm scared, I've tried it before and made it 4 times only to be brought back. I know what I did wrong and I'm scared. What if I can't control these thoughts and feelings.
     
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