Ill start by saying I will never go thru with suicide and I can assure that. I basically hate my life, I can cry just by thinking of my life. I have 2 children who I know love me very much and I love them more than anything else. I have a sense of responsibility for them that I could never abandon. I believe Im good at loving my children but not so good at teaching them or doing simple things such as making sure they have done their homework or getting back with a teacher when a note is sent home, …I even have trouble getting them to school at all. I basically suck. I want to be perfect for them like the other parents I see….but im not. I worry everyday about whether or not im even going to get out of bed to take them to school the next day, sometimes I worry about it so much that I toss and turn all night and end up not sleeping at all. I give my oldest son whatever he wants to eat and hes becoming very overweight. I try to change these habbits and tell him no but then I start worrying that he will think that I think hes fat and he will start to hate himself just like I have always hated myself. Im all hes got as his dad passed away from cancer. I also worry that they will start hating me or feel unloved by me just as my parents always made me feel. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have never been loved by anyone other than my children. My mother doesn’t love me and told me to never speak to her again when I confronted her about my feelings. She laughed at me and made jokes about me with her friends on social media. We haven’t spoken now in about 6 years. I blocked her on my facebook because it upset me so much to find out that what I had felt from her for so many years was true. Sometimes I look at her pictures from other peoples account and get hurt at how much fun she seems to have…idk I guess that might seem creepy, I just don’t understand it. I had expected some sort of breakthrough in our relationship but it was just the opposite that I received. My father is a strange person. He sees me as a burden and prefers I stay away….I think anyways. He does do things for me, though I wish he didn’t because it only makes me feel like more of a burden. He owns a trailer park and gave me one of his mobile homes. I don’t think he likes my children either but idk really. I guess I don’t know him very much at all. Ive been told that he thinks im an ingrate and tells people that im a failure…he doesn’t know I know these things but his girlfriend tells me. My grandparents raised me. They adopted my dad when he was a toddler….they are wonderful and treat me very well but they are 91 yrs old and should have never had to raise me. I don’t have much to say about them because that’s that. I just feel so bad that ive burdened them all these yrs…they are so good to me and my babies.. I have never had any real or close friends. Not even one. I am in a relationship but I don’t know why. Im ignored most of the time and its clear that im a last priority, so most of the time I just don’t bother to speak. Though every relationship ive ever had has been this way… I guess that means I play a role in it. I’m so lonely all the time. If this makes sense I sometimes feel more alone when hes with me than when I really am alone. Ive worked the same dead end job for 5 yrs…I make $7.25 an hour and have never received a raise. I work every holiday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter…..for $7.25 and I don’t complain. I have too much anxiety to quit or to even tell them no. This summer I worked 90 days straight with no days off and it wasn’t because I needed the money, it was just because I have no backbone and for some reason feel bad. So I basically ruined my kids whole summer…because I was here and not with them. People tell me what I need to do all the time but it doesn’t matter because I wont do it anyways. Doing something to change my life takes effort and motivation that I don’t have. People say I need to breakup with my boyfriend and that I need to quit my job…or that I need to move…..but Ill never do it, ill never change any of it, because im mentally tired. Im drained. I want it all to end. I want to be done. I don’t want to hurt inside anymore. I don’t want Heaven, I don’t want Hell I just want it to be done. Just be done…to never have to feel anything ever again. I don’t even know why im writing any of this….idk. I sound like a whiny baby but I think that’s ok, because you don’t know my identity.