When you know you'll never be different!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Richsmiles, Jan 28, 2012.

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  1. Richsmiles

    Richsmiles New Member

    I'm new to this site, I'm new to this kind of thing. My names Rich, 26, I'm from Leeds and i quit my job today.

    I don't know anyone here, even so I'd like to tell my story. It may help me, it may not but maybe, just maybe there will be positives to it. I'm sick, I'm lonely and a diagnosed suicidal manic depressive. It started end of July last year when my ex broke up with me. I'm gay. At first I broke down because I love him and I didn't see it coming but then things got worse. I became severely depressed, my friends got sick of hearing my problems, as did my family and a lot of eye rolling started. I began to realize that they didn't want to hear it anymore. So I locked myself away. I went to ongoing therapy sessions and started on SSRI meds. I've had 6 months of crying, loneliness and heartache. I lost my job because my mood was interfering with my work and managed to get a new job.*

    Shortly after the breakup I disappeared and was found hours later by the police, I was arrested under section 28 mental health act because suicide resources and a noose was found in my house. Since then it's been incidents with the police, crying for hours on end and I even spent Christmas and New Year alone, my choice.*

    My family has never been close, my real parents broke up when I was 10 or 11, but I never let it bother me, dad remarried and I stuck with my education, going to collage and even getting a top class engineering degree.

    Today I walked out of my job, a stupid thing to do considering I've got bills to pay, but I never liked it anyway. Tonight I've found myself packing up the house, my books DVDs and even taking the canvases off the walls, packing my life away into boxes so that when the time comes and my body is found, relatives will have little to do.*

    It's been a couple of months since iv tried to hurt myself, but the past has seen me cut myself in the bathtub Cutting is bad, it hurts but is nothing compared with the hurt I feel mentally, cutting releases endorphins, endorphins relieve pain, even if it is mental.

    I must stress, it's not just my ex, however much I miss him, it's my family we have never been close, it's work, it's my absent friend, it's money but above all it's knowing that I will never have or behave like the people I envy as per my personality. The trauma of breaking up made me realise that I'm different, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'll never be popular like my ex, I'll never be as good looking, I'll never have the family or siblings he has got, I'll never have a massive group of friends and I'll never behave or have that addictive, funny personality. It's as impossible as it is hopeless to change your personality. But I cannot accept myself.

    I'm paranoid and suffer from anxiety attacks, I haven't seen friends or family in over a month and a half. I'm aware it's my fault and I cannot break this cycle. If I have to leave the house I can shake, and be stood at the door a long time, scared shitless I'll run into someone I know. It's a pure mental fear now of being judged.*

    I'm constantly thinking about suicide, I've even researched it, long and hard, down to the smallest of details. Iv even looked into ambulance response times over the last 2 years and contingency plans if they were too quick getting to me. I know I can walk upstairs . Why? Why is it that even though I feel so bad, so inferior, I can go to the extremes of getting in the car and shopping for things to aid my exit of life?? How much must I think of myself??

    I used to be happy, I had everything, a job I loved, a house, a car, a boyfriend and close friends. It's all my fault.*

    I don't necessarily want help, it would be wasted on me with my mental state. I just need to tell someone or something just a bit of what I'm feeling.*

    I'm sorry world, I've failed you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2012
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    you have not failed us my friend!!
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