When?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by James93uk, May 9, 2013.

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  1. James93uk

    James93uk New Member

    I don't think there has been a week in the past few years where i haven't thought up a new way to kill myself. The reason i didn't was my mum was pregnant, but now i have a sister. I didn't want her growing up not knowing her brother and the only reason I'm here is because of her. But now i have thoughts daily and sometimes i don't think about her. I'm not a selfish guy, much the opposite. But i've had enough. I don't see much point explaining my reasons because what would change. I don't see why people would want to know how as it may give others different ideas. It is just to document that at this moment in time, i could walk out of my house and end it all. I'm not going to right now, but there may be a point where my emotions step too far. I have waves of depression, sometimes I'm fine but it feels fake and a coverup. People stop looking and my face drops and my facade disappears.

    Is it better to do it asap so my sister doesn't know me as much? (She's 2), should i have done it ages ago when she didn't know me (but the shock to my mum might have caused my sister harm), or should i wait till i can't take anymore and when i no longer care?
     
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni


    What are you doing to bring about a (positive) change? What is your plan, how realistic is it, what support mechanisms do you have in place, and what are the road blocks in your wellness goals that are preventing things from changing?
     
  3. James93uk

    James93uk New Member

    I don't have any 'wellness goals' because honestly i want to do this, i just want,to hurt the least amount of people.
     
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    As a parent who lost a son, I can tell you that regardless how much you want to hurt the least amount of people... you still will. It's almost amazing how people are affected.

    Example:
    My wife and I eat at a pizza place here in town sometimes once a week. The young man at the counter who takes our order talks with us on a personal level when ever we go there, simply because we have ordered with him for so long. So one day recently, two plus years after losing my son to suicide, my wife has a picture of my son on her purse (a photo button) and the guy at the counter sees it when we're ordering and he says, "Hey, I knew that dude!" Well turns out he knew my son in a round about way and he then told us that my son's death totally changed his life - and that it devastated him and so many others.

    My point is, you can hope you won't hurt many... but you always will.

    If you have no wellness goals, then you are not trying to get better. It is always more important to try to get better than it is to try to minimize the pain of those you will affect when you kill yourself. Take this for what it's worth, I know... and, I have no reason to spin anything that is not pure truth.

    I'm just saying...
     
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