Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LetItGo, Jan 1, 2008.

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  1. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Havent been around the past month, as some of you would know, I moved to another state to try and start a new life with someone special, but it hasnt worked out.

    I cant say its not depressing me, I put a lot of hope into it, too much really, blind faith, I went into it with the blinkers on, praying for the best, but life just isnt like that, not for me anyway.

    This failure is playing on my mind a lot, but the last thing i want is for her to blame herself, I can honestly say ive tried to do the best I can to make it work. I still think shes beautiful, understanding, a genuinely sincere and caring person, but aside from the physical, theres nothing more between us. I wish there was, I know my feelings are stronger than hers, but theres no point in waiting for a lightning bolt that never arrives.

    Im working again but the job is extremely boring, im so fucking sick of retail, my pay has gone backwards (although that could change end of Jan) if i stay here, i will end up working 2 jobs, 1 full time, 1 casual, working 7 days a week, as im set to start the casual one the beginning of this month, im just waiting for a letter outlining the days I will be working etc. Could get a pay rise in the full time job also, but who cares, seriously? who the fuck cares, money cant make up for spending so much time doing something that brings you down, that contributes nothing towards making you feel better about yourself, nothing that feeds your head, your heart, your soul.

    Im very depressed. I dont know where my life is heading, its just a billion miles away from where i want it to be, and no matter what I try, Ill never be able to change, thats just the simple truth of it all.

    This place I live in is a constant reminder of getting old, so many old people live here, its like one big retirement village, and while its great to see older people getting on with it, all i see is death, and dying alone.

    Death and dying alone, thats all i see for myself.

    People talk to me now and im completely tuned out, there is nothing left, no emotion, no humour, no life, I can barely muster a few words, you might as well be talking to a blade of grass. I find myself bored out of my skin 90% of the time, whether it be at work or at home, im extremely frustrated with the dullness of it all. I dont think it would matter what I did either, im so disconnected from everything, I cant appreciate the world around me, interesting people, interesting places, interesting conversations, sights and sounds...it all just goes straight through me, nothing seems to register with me anymore. Im more or less a zombie.

    I know im an asshole of a so called "friend". Havent spoken to anyone for weeks. Its just proof of the pudding isnt it?

    Why continue like this? what for?

    I dont want this life i have now, not the way it is, not the way I feel. I know im going to kill myself, its not if, its just when.

    Im sorry
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 1, 2008
  2. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Hey Matty :smile:

    I've missed talking to u lately and have been wondering how ur going...as good as it is to see a post from you I'm sorry to see that ur having a rough time. I know what it's like to have strong feelings for someone who doesnt feel the same way so i can definitely sympothise with you on this one. I may fee like all u can do is block it out but the best thing to do is face it, head on.

    This relationship didnt work out but think of countless lessons you have learn from the whole experience. And another positive - by moving away and finding new work etc you've taken yourself out of that comfort zone that u stuck to for years. that can only be a positive thing!

    Time will patch up this wound and love will heal it. Love from family, friends and maybe a new partner for you. Accept this fall and move on to bigger and better things. U have so many reasons to be proud of urself - dont push that to the side.

    You are strong, you are a good person - you will pull through! It's a new year, a new day and a new chapter in your book - YOU can make it the best one yet!

    Please take care and i look forward to talkin to u some time soon.

    By the way...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! :biggrin:

    Shauna xo
  3. fixintodie

    fixintodie Active Member

    i feel the same, and unless anyone can convince me otherwise i feel dying is the right thing to do.
  4. fixintodie

    fixintodie Active Member

    i'm just giving myself time hoping for some epiphany or some moment that transforms my current situaton into one that is more tolerable and pleasant. maybe a couple months to a couple years, i'm not stupid enough to go ahead and do it now. im embarrassed at what i've turned out to be in life, i've avoided friends and family and now i find it hard to re connect with them. i feel too distant and unexperienced in life. often my head goes off in thoughts writing out a suicide note, that id like before i depart tryign to explain myself and mimimize any guilt anyone may feel.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Matt :hug: I don't have enough spirit left to talk you out of it..I'm sorry, I'm so sorry :hug:
  6. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    What do you feel would feed your head, heart and soul?
  7. Madeleine

    Madeleine Member

    I have a strange way of thinking these days. When I read other people's posts - including yours, MJ - it seems to me than none of them have very serious reasons to commit suicide and their reasons for doing such a thing might by overcome with some efforts and patience. So I am ready to tell anyone: "Don't do this and don't be so desperate! I can see from what you say that everything might be OK in the future, believe me!".
    Yet regarding myself I cannot find any words of encouragement, I can't find any solution and it seems to me that only my reasons for doing such a thing are serious, more exactly the only serious reasons in the world.

    My conclusion is that it is not the reasons or the situation we are in, but the fact that we don't feel enough strength within ourselves to deal with the situation which is the cause of all this. We have a very hard work to do ahead of us.
  8. Thelonlyone

    Thelonlyone Member

    Yeah, Last year around this time My G/F of 8 years. She took my son with her.It was devastating to say the least. But I managed to get thru it and went into another relationship. To soon i know but i did. Well i had been seeing that girl for around 9 months and she split 2 days before Xmas. So now i dont get to see my son, and i lost another one..I have alienated myself from all my friends. So here i sit alive and alone.
  9. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I could say all the shit i've said in the past, but words grow old sometimes. I'm sorry you are struggling, wish you could see the bigger picture to things but only you can do that and no amount of words I could possibly say will make you see. I'm sorry that nothing I nor anyone else says is much comfort or help. Stay safe.
  10. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    matt :hug:
  11. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Thx everyone for your :hug: 's. I dont know what to do. Im lost, totally and completely lost
  12. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Just let it be, whats meant to b wil be and u might find that the moment u stop letting the pressure get to u things will start going your way.

    I know how u feel tho matty, it seems like things just dont work out. But I have hope that for u...sometime soon....it will all fall into place!

    Please take care xo
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