When's it going to stop?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by princessofelegance, Sep 19, 2014.

  1. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    So this all started about 8 weeks ago, I started to feel really down after a long illness with a gland infection and lower lung infection. I was put on anti biotics to fix this and then went back and had a blood test because my gp thought that i had glandular fever. Which i've found out since i dont. When i had the blood test i was tested for all viral infections and it all came back clear. I've been found fit and well. So I started to wonder... why am i feeling so down? im not ill. So what could it be, so over the last 6 weeks things have been slowly getting worse. I've been feeling worse and worse, more and more depressed and sometimes even suicidal.
    I saw my cpn after about 3 weeks of being like this and spoke to her and she informed me that i only had 10 days until my psychiatrist appointment, so i just decided in my head that i would stick it out until my psychiatrist appointment in the hope they'd be able to help me. During this 10 days, i had several episodes of extreme rage, i'd cry to the point of having a panic attack then i'd hit myself in the head until my boyfriend restrained me.
    All i wanted to do and still want to do is self harm. It's all thats going through my head. I can't get rid of it. During this time. My boyfriend made a decision to lock away all the sharps, medication and pain killers in a locked cupboard in my kitchen, which i've been fighting against since it was done. But he's made up his mind and i cant change it. I know its for my safety because if i get hold of something sharp i would lose the plot and self harm in a very unsafe way. It's unsafe anyway but id probably make mistakes. Take it too far and hurt myself badly. He tells me its for my safety but sometimes when i feel my bpd is really playing games i can't understand why he wants to help me. I just wish he'd give me something sharp so i can just hurt myself badly or die. But he won't. So thats that. So i got to my psychiatrist appointment. It was the worst appointment that i'd had. I pretty much begged him to fix my anti depressant. He refused. Twat.
    He just said i needed to come off of some of my medication (quetiapine, carbanazapine, clonzepam, trazadone, paliperadone) He just said that i needed to come off my depo injection which i agree with, its not helping. Infact apart from the quetiapine nothing is helping me.
    He said i needed to come off one of my anti psychotics. which is fine. Not a problem with that.
    But refused to change my anti depressant. I walked away from that appointment in tears. My boyfriend came with me and he was so dissapointed we had both put our eggs in one basket and hoped he would help. But he didnt.
    So a few days along the line, im calmer. Less crazy, im still so down that i feel like being dead. Like nothing is worth fighting for and there's nothing left in my fuel tank.
    Then today i spoke to my CPN. She was actually surprisingly very helpful. She agreed she was going to email my psychiatrist and tell him it was a serious priority to change my anti depressant and was i happy with him prescribing without seeing me, which i am. Totally fine with that. I dont particularly want to see the bastard again. She banged on as she usually does about me doing therapy which i KEEP telling her that i will do. I havent refused it. But how am i supposed to do therapy when i feel so low and have done for 6 weeks. This isnt BPD symptoms where your mood fluctuates from day to day sometimes hour to hour. This is serious depression. So its friday now, im seeing her next thursday. Hopefully she either comes around with a prescription or some news of what he has decided. Because im done. Im done putting a strain on mine and my boyfriends relationship. Im done being depressed and boring and lack of energy and suicidal.
    I just can't understand what caused it. But maybe i'll never know.
    When's it going to stop?
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm glad that your CPN is helping you and is supporting you through this. Hopefully your psych pulls his finger out and gives you something to help with the depression.